Saturday, June 8, 2013

Voids

Voids
When I look back on my life, I see a lot of voids/holes. I always had a sense that I didn’t belong anywhere, and given our childhood, it isn’t hard to understand why. Now without going into much detail, I will simply say this: when humans feel empty, they have holes to fill and the natural reaction is to fill them. We do whatever we think it takes to fill that hole.
We were poor, had no running water and we had an outhouse. We couldn’t find our clothes in a laundry pile high enough to reach the ceiling and were lucky to have shoes. My shoes reeked like I don’t know what. I never knew what happened to my presents every year right after Christmas. For all I know my big girl doll is still locked in that little attic room off the stairway of the old Robinson’s house. (I swear I saw it there once.)
Most of us struggle to fit in. I wanted to be liked just as you do now. In that little tiny town of New Diggings, Wisconsin, I started smoking at the age of 11, partly to fit in and partly out of boredom. That didn’t fill the hole.
I continued to feel inadequate, orphaned and unworthy of anything. I tried to fill that hole with people. Nothing took the emptiness away. Most times whatever or whomever I chose to fill that void with, simply made things worse. I hadn’t even learned to make good healthy choices in my life. People, boyfriends, women didn’t fill that hole.
I went through a party phase, but never stayed in it long. I needed to be social and fill the gap with friends. Partying, no matter what you are using to alter yourself, whether drugs or alcohol, only exacerbate the problems in your life. They make you act stupid or mean, or lazy and/or they keep you co-dependent and unhealthy. Once they become a common staple in your life, they even affect your ability to have meaningful relationships. I praise God I never got to that point. Partying didn’t fill that hole.
As for friends, well, friends let you down. Friends have their own lives, their own agenda. Friends even betray you for various reasons. I found myself being counselor, used… but not a true friend. Instead of learning to be full, I was emptied over and over again. To this day I have learned to be a wonderful friend to others but have no need for or expectation of them for my sake. Friends didn’t fill that hole.
I was saved at an early age and had a great and powerful faith. I went to church regularly. Though my family life was painful at home, I never had such peace. But shortly after my divorce the pastor came to my home at night and tried to be inappropriate. I not only turned from the church but I lost my connection to God. Not on purpose, but back then, I never read the bible. The church was where I got my deposits of faith and hope. There was nothing left to fill me once I stopped going.
At one point in my life, I tried finding comfort in material things. I was so miserable in my relationships, that the only way I could find happiness, I thought, was in buying diamonds. I felt I deserved them because I worked hard and had nothing else to be happy about. So by Heaven, I was gonna make myself happy. I stayed in relationships that were not only living in sin, but were extremely unhappy. To this day, and for at least ten years now, the diamonds sit in a safe where I never wear them. Diamonds didn’t fill that hole.
It wasn’t until my sister Bootie died that I started looking for real answers. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I always believed in God and talked to Him and sometimes about Him, but I didn’t KNOW him. I just thought I did. Grieving leaves an awful big hole to fill. I thought I was tough enough to blast right through it, but it ain’t so. I read “There’s a Spiritual Solution to Every Problem.” Great book, and it was the reason that I started reading the bible. I needed to know God. I needed answers for myself. People mean well but they only repeat what is told to them and just like that old game of telephone wire, when you get information second and third hand, it ain’t accurate. People tend to just believe anything that is told to them.
At this point I have read it too many times to count. Reading God’s word gave me hope, peace, understanding, strength, knowledge, wisdom, patience, joy…. The word moved me from sin, is my light in the dark world. I can’t even count what the bible has brought me besides closer to Christ. I crave His word and more understanding. I need to serve Him.
My hole, my void, is filled. Not only that, but by my faith in God’s power and persistent prayer, others have been healed. I have witnessed first-hand, the power of Faith in God. Meth addicts and alcoholics and huffers healed instantly, lives completely turned over to God, children getting their parents back and restoration of the family that will affect generations to come.
What, my darling people, are you filling your voids with? Do you need alcohol to have fun? Do you smoke cigarettes and can’t stop filling your lungs with that poison? Do you need material items; purses, shoes, the best car, the newest clothes, the most marbles, the prettiest skin? Do you need pain killers, uppers, downers, weed, anti-depressants, etc? Do you surround yourself with men, women, friends, animals, imaginary people? Is your life all about you and seldom about someone else? Do you just go along with the snideful remarks, the gossip, the hate mongers, the mean people instead of offering loving correction or walking away?
God is the only thing that will fill that void. We were born inherently knowing that He exists even if we don’t know-know it yet. The Holy Spirit moves us to Him in our lives. Until we return to Him and get to KNOW him, personally, we will always be trying to fill that elusive void.
We go anxiously to be filled with the Holy Spirit and to fellowship with others. We go to find out how we can serve God more and better. We go to pay our tithe so that that money will reach places like teen challenge Home of Hope, or people in Uganda who need churches and bibles, or people who need food…etc. We go because when we leave, we have the fuel to get through another dark week in the world. We read the bible and pray and talk to God through-out the day/week. We talk to each other and our kids about Christian morals and values. We feed ourselves with the word so that we can get through another dark day until we go to church. We can even be filled during the week by watching online sermons and listening to Klove or Air 1.
Romans 15:13: May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.

No comments:

Post a Comment