Voids
Voids
When I look back on my life, I see a lot of voids/holes. I always had a
sense that I didn’t belong anywhere, and given our childhood, it isn’t
hard to understand why. Now without going into much detail, I will
simply say this: when humans feel empty, they have holes to fill and the
natural reaction is to fill them. We do whatever we think it takes to
fill that hole.
We were poor, had no running water and we had an
outhouse. We couldn’t find our clothes in a laundry pile high enough to
reach the ceiling and were lucky to have shoes. My shoes reeked like I
don’t know what. I never knew what happened to my presents every year
right after Christmas. For all I know my big girl doll is still locked
in that little attic room off the stairway of the old Robinson’s house.
(I swear I saw it there once.)
Most of us struggle to fit in. I
wanted to be liked just as you do now. In that little tiny town of New
Diggings, Wisconsin, I started smoking at the age of 11, partly to fit
in and partly out of boredom. That didn’t fill the hole.
I
continued to feel inadequate, orphaned and unworthy of anything. I tried
to fill that hole with people. Nothing took the emptiness away. Most
times whatever or whomever I chose to fill that void with, simply made
things worse. I hadn’t even learned to make good healthy choices in my
life. People, boyfriends, women didn’t fill that hole.
I went
through a party phase, but never stayed in it long. I needed to be
social and fill the gap with friends. Partying, no matter what you are
using to alter yourself, whether drugs or alcohol, only exacerbate the
problems in your life. They make you act stupid or mean, or lazy and/or
they keep you co-dependent and unhealthy. Once they become a common
staple in your life, they even affect your ability to have meaningful
relationships. I praise God I never got to that point. Partying didn’t
fill that hole.
As for friends, well, friends let you down. Friends
have their own lives, their own agenda. Friends even betray you for
various reasons. I found myself being counselor, used… but not a true
friend. Instead of learning to be full, I was emptied over and over
again. To this day I have learned to be a wonderful friend to others but
have no need for or expectation of them for my sake. Friends didn’t
fill that hole.
I was saved at an early age and had a great and
powerful faith. I went to church regularly. Though my family life was
painful at home, I never had such peace. But shortly after my divorce
the pastor came to my home at night and tried to be inappropriate. I not
only turned from the church but I lost my connection to God. Not on
purpose, but back then, I never read the bible. The church was where I
got my deposits of faith and hope. There was nothing left to fill me
once I stopped going.
At one point in my life, I tried finding
comfort in material things. I was so miserable in my relationships, that
the only way I could find happiness, I thought, was in buying diamonds.
I felt I deserved them because I worked hard and had nothing else to be
happy about. So by Heaven, I was gonna make myself happy. I stayed in
relationships that were not only living in sin, but were extremely
unhappy. To this day, and for at least ten years now, the diamonds sit
in a safe where I never wear them. Diamonds didn’t fill that hole.
It wasn’t until my sister Bootie died that I started looking for real
answers. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I always believed in God and talked to
Him and sometimes about Him, but I didn’t KNOW him. I just thought I
did. Grieving leaves an awful big hole to fill. I thought I was tough
enough to blast right through it, but it ain’t so. I read “There’s a
Spiritual Solution to Every Problem.” Great book, and it was the reason
that I started reading the bible. I needed to know God. I needed answers
for myself. People mean well but they only repeat what is told to them
and just like that old game of telephone wire, when you get information
second and third hand, it ain’t accurate. People tend to just believe
anything that is told to them.
At this point I have read it too
many times to count. Reading God’s word gave me hope, peace,
understanding, strength, knowledge, wisdom, patience, joy…. The word
moved me from sin, is my light in the dark world. I can’t even count
what the bible has brought me besides closer to Christ. I crave His word
and more understanding. I need to serve Him.
My hole, my void, is
filled. Not only that, but by my faith in God’s power and persistent
prayer, others have been healed. I have witnessed first-hand, the power
of Faith in God. Meth addicts and alcoholics and huffers healed
instantly, lives completely turned over to God, children getting their
parents back and restoration of the family that will affect generations
to come.
What, my darling people, are you filling your voids with?
Do you need alcohol to have fun? Do you smoke cigarettes and can’t stop
filling your lungs with that poison? Do you need material items; purses,
shoes, the best car, the newest clothes, the most marbles, the
prettiest skin? Do you need pain killers, uppers, downers, weed,
anti-depressants, etc? Do you surround yourself with men, women,
friends, animals, imaginary people? Is your life all about you and
seldom about someone else? Do you just go along with the snideful
remarks, the gossip, the hate mongers, the mean people instead of
offering loving correction or walking away?
God is the only thing
that will fill that void. We were born inherently knowing that He exists
even if we don’t know-know it yet. The Holy Spirit moves us to Him in
our lives. Until we return to Him and get to KNOW him, personally, we
will always be trying to fill that elusive void.
We go anxiously to
be filled with the Holy Spirit and to fellowship with others. We go to
find out how we can serve God more and better. We go to pay our tithe so
that that money will reach places like teen challenge Home of Hope, or
people in Uganda who need churches and bibles, or people who need
food…etc. We go because when we leave, we have the fuel to get through
another dark week in the world. We read the bible and pray and talk to
God through-out the day/week. We talk to each other and our kids about
Christian morals and values. We feed ourselves with the word so that we
can get through another dark day until we go to church. We can even be
filled during the week by watching online sermons and listening to Klove
or Air 1.
Romans 15:13: May the God of hope fill you with all joy
and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may
abound in hope.
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