How to Communicate-when things are rough

A friend of mine once asked me to draft some rules to communication for her after we talked about issues she was having in her relationship. The key to any relationship is this: If I love you so much that I just want to serve you and make you happy, and you feel the same about me, then we don’t have to be selfish because we are busy taking care of each other. Strive to be this way in your relationships. The passage about Jesus washing His disciples feet really gave me a picture of how I should be with people. I’m not, but I try.

1. Never drink and talk
a. Alcohol/drugs enhance emotions
b. They also numb your common sense
c. You should never drink and try to talk about anything important or drive anyway

2. Immediacy
a. Never wait to approach a subject unless you are too angry to talk about it. Not talking about it right away is a breeding ground for satan to generate resentment.
b. If you are too angry, tell them you are very hurt but need time to process it so that you won’t handle it without love
c. Go to your corner, pray and then come up with what it is that hurts you and how you can resolve it before you talk about it, but do it quickly, don’t wait for days

3. Choose a quiet, private place at home: Never argue in front of others:
a. Never show resentment, sarcasm or anger in front of the children, family, friends, etc.
b. Children need to feel secure; fighting makes them feel nervous and insecure. They know you aren’t perfect but they need to see emotional maturity. They ‘feel’ the tension, but need to know that you love and respect each other enough to discuss it and come to a compromise without involving them in the drama.
c. Family and friends feel uncomfortable. They really don’t want to see or feel that drama.
d. You can’t take back what you say once you have said it, to each other or in front of others-Words are like poison. Once it gets in the target audiences heads, you can’t get it out. It plants seeds of doubt, hurt and destruction to relationships.

4. Never in anger:
If there is a situation that requires immediate discussion, and has made both or one of you angry, you must have established boundaries:
a. Separate first (minimum of ten minutes) and think of a loving approach.
b. Write down how you feel, if necessary, but not the anger. Recognize what hurt or fear you feel that is making you angry.
c. All of your anger generates from past pain or insecurities. It is critical to separate past issues from current.
d. Understand your own damage. For example: I would say mine are:
i. Trust issues from a past filled with liars, cheats, molester, abusers, etc
ii. Guarded with feelings, hard to allow myself to be at someone else’s mercy emotionally
iii. Fiercely independent, difficult to rely on someone else
iv. Bluntly honest and open
v. Organized and structured, makes me difficult to relax at times
vi. You get the idea…
e. Don’t be dramatic. Not everything re quires the same intensity. You wouldn’t discuss who washes dishes with the same veracity as you would who was pulled over for drinking and driving.
f. Talk about how the issue makes you feel inside, because that is truly what you are dealing with-how you ‘feel’ about the issue.

5. Touch and Prayer:
a. Praying first always helps us find common ground and keep centered
b. Try to hold hands or touch knees when talking
c. Intimacy is a great way to remind us of the love in our hearts. It is harder to lash out when you are being intimate.

6. Take turns:
a. Keep it brief and to the point. If you have to write down your issues and the solutions you have first.
b. Give each other five minutes to discuss their points.
c. Listen with all your heart. Try to see where you are failing, not where they are failing.
d. No interruptions no matter what, write down short responses if you have to.

7. Keep it on issue:
a. If it is about the kid’s curfew, don’t bring up last week’s night out with the girls, unless you didn’t handle it last week.
b. You cannot bring up old arguments that were resolved. Once you come to resolution, an agreement, you cannot go back and argue it again later unless you felt bullied into agreement. It is done until someone violates that agreement.
c. Forgiveness and deciding to move past something means that you cannot use it as a weapon to hurt the other person in the future or you truly didn’t forgive and move past it. If you keep dredging up old wounds, then maybe you need to have a second look at your decision making skills.

8. No name calling or personal attacks:
a. If you are discussing who does the dishes last, don’t call the other person lazy or names.
b. Don’t make statements about the other person always being right. That is antagonistic and will only make it worse.
c. Don’t say ‘you win’ or ‘I give up’ just to end the discussion. Come up with constructive ways to compromise.

9. Find middle ground:
a. Come to an agreement on how to resolve the issue such as a list of chores, a way to reach each other or the boundaries you want to set that both of you must stick to.
b. There should be exceptions where it is needed, and agreed upon consequences for not following the agreement.
c. You shouldn’t change the rules to suit individual needs without agreement. For example: “Hey, I know it is my turn to take the kids to school but I have to go to work early tomorrow, can I trade you a day?”

10. Walk away:
a. If you cannot find middle ground and it becomes heated again, agree to walk away and address it later.
b. If you find that one of you keeps repeating the same thing and you are not getting anywhere, you need to separate.
c. Once someone throws in the white flag and says “enough”, do not follow the other person to continue the argument
d. Have a set place at your home to go cool down (back yard, front yard, hallway closet, pool)
e. Do not drive away or leave the house during an argument! Insecurities (fear and pain) work both ways. Most people have abandonment issues. It is never good to make other life altering decisions or to leave when one of you is upset. It adds to an already painful situation.
f. Make an agreement when to meet on it to discuss it.

11. Be gracious:
a. If someone is acknowledging a weakness, blame, fears, or poor behavior, be open and understand
i. where it is coming from
ii. how vulnerable they must feel to admitting it
iii. how much love and acceptance they need
b. Learn to respond to that pain with love and forgiveness
c. Never use it against them in the future. Prove their trust was not misplaced.
d. Keep it to yourself.

12. Safety phrase:
a. If during the discussion, someone is getting too heated, have a key word or phrase ready to indicate that without upsetting it further.
b. Touching their arm lightly and saying “It is okay.” Or perhaps a hug and “What if I get us some tea and we can come back to this?”
c. When someone says or does that thing to indicate it is escalating, you both agree to stop and defuse it no matter what.

Just practice it. Be that servant to your partner and agree to some boundaries in all your painful discussions so that you don’t’ do anything to breed resentment, frustration or anger. Stay in love and respect your partner always. Think of how you want to be treated.

In Christ’s love,
Lynn