When I was a little girl, it was our habit to pick
daisy flowers or something with petals and pull the petals off one by one. Each
petal indicated one or the other of ‘He loves me’ or ‘He loves me not.’ The
last petal pulled was the answer. Typically, we were talking of someone we
thought was cute or whose attention we wanted. As you grew up, it was more
about love being returned.
About a week ago, as I lay in bed, I battled the same demons
in my head. I might as well have been playing that game again. I couldn’t stop asking
questions of God and fighting negative thoughts. You know the ones. They tell
you that you aren’t good enough. You are doing enough. Why were you chosen to
serve God’s people? Who do you think you are? You don’t read the bible enough.
You are too human and you feel what you shouldn’t, you think what you shouldn’t,
you do what you shouldn’t. And worse, 'why aren't you home with your family instead of here living as you do?' It was one of the biggest battles of my mind.
You see, I love what we do! I spend most of my time
doing finances in an office for the ministry, but my favorite time is when I
see my students or spend time at the men’s center with my husband who also
works here. My heart soars when I am around the students, male or female. When
I am there, I have a supernatural ability to ask them questions I, myself,
would never ask of someone I don’t know well. And when I give in to the compelling
push of my soul, I reap rewards of truth, brokenness and humility from them. They
confess their history, their pain, their desire for healing and their need for
love. We have deep conversations as the Spirit moves us both through the pain into
resolution. They think this session is for them alone. They don’t understand
that I gain as much insight and healing as they do. We are all broken to some
degree. We all need to seek truth and light to battle what lies ahead.
This world is filled with darkness and danger. People
who, in worldly terms say that they love us but have no clue what that means.
Their humanness causes pain and suffering to everyone and, I suspect, their history
would reveal such pain and suffering as well. Enough to explain the damage they
reap on their children and others in their lives.
Eph 6:12: “For we do not wrestle against flesh and
blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic
powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the
heavenly places.”
But lately, my health has taken a nose dive. My
medical has increased to what may be unaffordable. Our finances have been
better. My husband is physically broken but refuses to stop working for this
cause. (I totally agree but worry about him just the same.) And I wonder how long we can live in this skoolie “The Bus of Hope” at
our age. We could never afford to live in a real home here in California. Sometimes,
I miss my home. It is selfish, but real to say. I am old. Dry shaving and being cold while conserving electric and such is not an easy life.
Missionary work is
not for the weak of wallet. 😊
And many of our family members back home are struggling with demons as well. I
have beat myself up for being where I am rather than with them. But I know that
I am wanted and needed in ministry, back home I would just be a thorn in their
side. Sin like the darkness after all. They aren’t ready for the full light
yet.
Seems we are under attack in all areas of our lives. Anyone
would be bound to wonder if this just isn’t God’s way of sending us packing.
Telling us to go home and forget it. Our mistake.
As I came up with new reasons why I shouldn’t even be
serving Him, I kept coming back to the same thing.
1 Cor 26-31: “Brothers and sisters, think of what you
were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not
many were influential; not many were of noble birth. 27But God chose the
foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the
world to shame the strong. 28God chose the lowly
things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to
nullify the things that are, 29so that no one may
boast before him. 30It is because of
him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that
is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. 31Therefore, as it is
written: “Let the one who boasts boast in the Lord.” d”
And it dawned on me too. It isn’t what we do. It is
what we believe. It isn’t by works, it is by grace!
Eph 2:8-9: “For it is by grace you
have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the
gift of God— 9 not by works, so that no one can
boast.”
I can do nothing without Him. All of our service is
for nothing if I do not believe. Just the fact that I believe and have given my
life to Him is enough. My works are a byproduct of my love and faith in Him but
they are certainly not why He loves me, has forgiven me and saved me from
eternal damnation.
Don’t get me wrong, we can’t just believe in Him and
then sit in the dark and continue to do what we do. Once we give ourselves to
the Lord, it is natural to desire to know Him and please Him by following His
will for our lives. But no one comes to the Lord and then continues to peddle
darkness. They desire to produce good fruit that shows their love for the One
who saved them. They desire to share the light with those who do not know Him
yet and are stuck in darkness.
Mat 5:15-16: “Neither do men light a candle, and put it
under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in
the house. Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good
works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.”
We have to fill ourselves with the light so the
darkness that is in us flees and the light can be at home in us. If we don’t
read the bible, how can we know how to live our lives and what to expect when
He comes again? We forever try to walk in His ways and if we do stumble, we
rush to repent and resolve never to do it again. But we will never be perfect
and be able to do enough to ‘earn’ His love or our salvation.
I know, I do have a thorn in my side. We all do. There
is a good reason for that. It keeps us seeking Him. It keeps us humble before those who would
turn in disgust because of our haughty ways. It keeps us anchored to our lives
in Him knowing that at any time, we could fall out of grace and into darkness
again.
2 Cor 12:7: “So to keep me from becoming conceited
because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in
the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming
conceited.”
People, you are broken.
You have a thorn like me. But you are loved and He has given His only son to
die on the cross for YOUR sins too. There is nothing that you CAN do to earn
that love and grace except come to Christ. But there is much that you can do to
show that you are His. Produce only good fruits of the spirit. Share your lamp
with others. Repent when you fall and do not seek out darkness. Love your
fellow person and show them who lives inside you!
He uses us because who in
the world could believe that we, of all people, have had such a transformation?
If a preacher repents and comes to God, that is wonderful but not surprising.
But if broken, sinful people turn their lives around, well, that is a testament
to His power and Glory and Grace, is it not?
We are going to be alright,
you and I. We have the power of the Holy Spirit in us.
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