Emotional abuse-gaslighting

We hear a lot about gaslighting these days and my natural curiosity compelled me to look it up. I had no idea how prevalent it truly is. It is important for you to first read (much of) the article that I posted below between the arrows, then I will elaborate on my experiences and knowledge. ************************************* Here are some details from online, much of which is pulled from a Daily OM website article: “What is gaslighting? 8 signs you’re probably being gaslit.” There are so many more excellent articles about galsighting, including how to respond to such people. I am posting the signs first, and then the details of the article after so that you can see if you, or someone you know is being gaslit. After I post much of the article, I will delve into the dangers and different reactions below. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> How to Spot Gaslighting Behaviors Gaslighting involves a complete lack of empathy for the victim and can be extremely tricky to spot. To illustrate what that looks like in practice, here are eight telltale signs of gaslighting that can occur. *********** 1. A Gaslighter Uses Loaded Words Against You ****************** There are certain words and phrases that people use when they want to invalidate your thoughts and feelings. If someone calls you “crazy,” “irrational,” or “too sensitive,” they’re likely trying to attack your point of view, says Polk. A gaslighter may also accuse you of “imagining things” or “overreacting” to something they’ve said or done. **************** 2. A Gaslighter Is Extremely Defensive ***************** Polk also says that gaslighters tend to get overly defensive over small confrontations. Gaslighters need to be right, dislike criticism, and refuse to accept any blame, so if they feel like you’re challenging them, it’s not uncommon for them to become highly defensive in response. ********************** 3. A Gaslighter Is Constantly Telling You How You Feel ********************* One major gaslighting flag is when you feel something and your partner is like, “You shouldn’t feel that,” Dr. Bridbord says. Only you get to decide how you feel about a situation, but gaslighters will often try to make you question your take on reality to get you on their page and to undermine your judgment. ******************* 4. A Gaslighter Always Makes You Out to Be the Bad Guy ************************************ A common tactic used among gaslighters is DARVO, which stands for deny, accuse, and reverse victim and offender. A gaslighter might deny their victim’s assertion of hurtful, deceptive, or manipulative behavior, according to Bridbord. Not only that, but they also might turn around and accuse the wounded party of unfairly attacking them, turning themselves into the victim and you into the bad guy. Reversing blame can also look like the gaslighter saying that you made them behave a certain way, and that it was your fault. *************************** 5. You Start to Question Your Reality Around a Gaslighter ***************************** The result of being gaslit is you begin to feel as if you can’t trust your own thoughts or feelings. That’s one reason it’s difficult for a victim of gaslighting to realize what’s happening. A gaslighter might make you feel this way through outright denying what you know to be true, saying that you’re confusing them, trivializing your feelings, or completely ignoring you and changing the subject. However they attempt to manipulate you, Bridbord says, their gaslighting behavior can lead you to experience “a chronic sense of self-doubt” and loss of confidence. You may notice you’re having a harder time than normal making decisions because you don’t trust yourself, and that you’re overly worried about the consequences of making the wrong one. *********************************** In a healthy relationship, be it romantic, friendly, professional, or familial, you should be made to feel good about yourself, because people who care about you and respect you want to build you up and for you to succeed. Gaslighters, on the other hand, will often tear down your confidence as a way to make you easier to manipulate. **************************** 6. A Gas-Lighter Undermines Your Self-Confidence ********************* “If you’re feeling depressed and anxious, that doesn’t mean your partner is gaslighting you, of course,” stresses Bridbord. “But if you have these other feelings that are associated with it, like your partner doesn’t feel safe to you, your partner doesn’t feel like somebody you can really be yourself with, and that they have your back,” you might be a victim of gaslighting, says the expert.  ******************** 7. A Gaslighter Outright Denies What You Know to Be True *************************** In extreme cases, gaslighters will delete or destroy evidence of something that happened in order to maintain their version of reality. “They may move or adjust things so you question your memory,” Nickerson says, like the husband in Hamilton’s play. They might also deny saying or doing things you know they said or did (but have no evidence of), then try to make you feel like you’re making things up. ************************ 8. You Feel Like You Need to Agree on Everything **************** In a healthy romantic relationship, it’s normal to have disagreements. You can agree to disagree and accept the fact that you have different perspectives, so long as you’re respectful and caring and you acknowledge each other’s point of view. “But when you’re in an abusive relationship, it’s not okay to have a different perspective, in essence,” Bridbord says. “You’re supposed to be the same.” In the workplace, a responsible and ethical manager will recognize the power imbalance between themselves and their employees and be mindful not to exploit it or deflect their actions, explains Polk. Whereas “a boss that’s gaslighting would make an employee feel dumb or irrational for things they don’t know. For example, ‘You didn’t know you should’ve called them back?’ [But] the underlying issue is the boss providing inadequate training or guidance. A healthy boss in that situation would say something like, ‘I’m sorry, I forgot to mention that it’s our policy to call back in that situation.’” *************************** Over time, a gaslit employee might begin to lose faith in their own abilities, question their reality, and become a less effective worker, not to mention feel miserable going into the office every day. *********************** ---- According to Merriam-Webster, gaslighting is the “psychological manipulation of a person usually over an extended period of time that causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories and typically leads to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, uncertainty of one’s emotional or mental stability, and a dependency on the perpetrator.” *************************** ….we associate gaslighting with toxic romantic partnerships, but it can take place between parents and children, with our supposed friends, in the office, when we go to the doctor, and even on a societal scale when used to deny the existence of structural biases. ******************************** “Hands down, it’s always manipulative, but it’s not always intentionally abusive,” licensed clinical psychologist Karen Bridbord, PhD, tells DailyOM. **************************** “A subtle form of gaslighting may be saying to your partner, ‘Seriously, this is still bothering you?’ We could say that statement is more basic dismissal, but gaslighting falls under that category,” says Jason Polk, LCSW, a licensed therapist and social worker. ************************** “….an example of a more serious form of gaslighting could be something like your significant other deleting texts or emails and then denying that they ever existed in the first place. She tells DailyOM that in the case of a parent and child, gaslighting often happens alongside serious forms of emotional, physical, or sexual abuse. A parent might say, “Oh c’mon, that didn’t hurt.” That will cause a child to question their reaction to the pain they’ve experienced. ***************************** “If someone constantly invalidates your feelings and tells you that how you think, what you remember, and what you perceive is wrong — they are gaslighting you,” Dr. Nickerson explains. **************************** Nevertheless, it’s always valid and even wise to exit a situation if someone is behaving poorly toward you, whether or not they’re using gaslighting tactics. “The definition of ‘poorly’ is subjective, and that’s the point,” Polk says. “Your subjective reality is yours, and it’s valid. No one can define it for you.” **************************** In fact, experts say that gaslighting is common among people with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). People with NPD have an inflated sense of self-importance and a lack of empathy, and often use charm and deceit to manipulate the people around them. Gaslighting is a major part of this. ************************************ What to Do If You’re a Gaslighter ********************* Though it’s painful to look in the mirror and see yourself as someone who uses manipulative, gaslighting tactics, you can change your ways. Simply thinking you may be a gaslighter is a good first step toward addressing the issue and healing. “That requires a degree of honesty and humility,” Polk says. “Then you need to start practicing and expressing three things in your relationship: empathy, accountability, and vulnerability.” *************************** Bridbord says that in many cases, gaslighters learned their behavior through interpersonal relationships they were in as children, and that it’s possible to unlearn these behaviors — if, that is, they’re willing to put in the work. ************************ Try to practice seeing the other person as separate from yourself, with different values, opinions, and experiences. One step you can take is to ask your partner or the person you’ve been gaslighting to point out when you’re doing it, and to practice showing empathy, taking responsibility, and learning from the experience. Seeing a therapist can also be helpful. ************************** Are You Being Gaslit? ************************** Ultimately, if you have suspicions that you’re being gaslit, that’s confirmation enough that something isn’t right in that relationship. Recognize gaslighting for the serious problem that it is, and respond in a way that puts your health and safety first — whether that means confiding in friends and family, going to therapy, or exiting the situation. Most importantly, remember that your thoughts, feelings, and memories are completely valid, and treat yourself with compassion as you go forward toward a safer, healthier place. <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< AI google: Gaslighting can involve: • Lying or withholding information • Constantly criticizing • Blaming • Making verbally abusive statements • Intimidation • Denial of responsibility • Minimizing abusive behavior • Backhanded compliments or apologies >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> • Passive-aggressive gaslighting is a form of manipulation: It's a way to gain power and make someone doubt reality and their sanity. • Gaslighting can be subtle and difficult to detect: It can involve persistent lying, subtle digs, and judgments. • Gaslighting can be disguised as sarcasm or negative humor: This can include making fun of or embarrassing someone in private or public. • Gaslighting can be used by covert narcissists: They may use gaslighting, manipulation, and intimidation to gain control over others. • Gaslighting can involve plausible deniability: The gaslighter can easily deny that what they said or did was intended to harm. • Gaslighting can involve twisting the truth: For example, a partner might tell you they went to a bar but leave out who was there. <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< This is me now. ************** 1. You are rarely in it alone. What you are learning, your children are seeing and learning. ************** 2. It is not normal or acceptable or cute. You need to address it and make a life changing decision. ****************** 3. You aren’t the only victim. The person who is gaslighting you has a story too, but that doesn't make it your job to fix them if it damages you or your children. ******************* 4. Most likely, the perpetrator has other disorders that make him/her susceptible to gaslighting. ***************** 5. You need counseling. There are domestic violence FREE counseling online. You need to repair your broken thought processes and relearn how to be yourself and strong. ********************* 6. Your children need counseling to undo the damage of what they saw and learned. *************** 7. You can’t change it if you don’t change your situation first. ******************* Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse. It has been going on for centuries… probably as long as the world has had people in it. The word may be a new term for it but the behavior is ancient. It may or may not be part of the method of abuse when an abuser is first trying to brainwash and condition you. They do it to make you stay, by weakening your self esteem and breaking you down so that you believe that no one else will have you and that he loves you more than anyone else ever would. (When in reality, his treatment of you proves quite the opposite.) Actions really do speak louder than words, people! ********************************** Many times, emotional abuse (gaslighting) is linked to narcissists, pathological liars, passive aggressive behaviors, antisocial behaviors, ADHD… in fact, it is likely that emotional abuse or gaslighting is linked to many disorders that already exist in the perpetrator. *********************** As a vulnerable, low self esteem personality, with a horrific childhood and lack of familial love and support or any combination of such afflictions, a person is ripe for such tactics. It usually starts out slow enough so that you don’t notice. You may notice ‘cute little’ signs of jealousy. Comments about his/her possessiveness. He may express quaint “old fashioned’ ideas of marriage and wifely duties. But it quickly escalates to one sided battles about ‘did you just look at that man who walked in’ to ‘if you leave me, I will kill you.’ ******************************* What I wanted to talk about is us. The ones on the receiving end. ******************** You see, the first time this happened to me, it worked. I was terrified to leave. I cowered when I saw that look. I once chased one of his friends away from my door in complete fear of my life. Not fear of him but fear of what my husband would think and do. He had come to ask for my husband, who wasn’t home. I literally shook as I told him he had to leave. Unfortunately, I was beat for that anyway. (My first husband had his own wicked childhood and demons.) ************************ It took me about 5 years to tell someone about my abusive marriage; it is hard to hide black eyes and bruises. (He did get better at not hitting me where it showed.) If he wasn’t so hot headed and lazy, I probably would have died there. But I convinced him to let me work (because he wasn’t) and that was my saving grace. People noticed. One security guard at my job recognized the signs. She had been in that situation too. The Motorola nurse began to ask questions about my headaches, etc. She talked to me over an almost two year period until I was ready to leave. She would call shelters and see if there were beds available for a woman with 3 kids. When I couldn’t sneak away, she would try again. She never gave up. ********************** I finally let her help me. She found a shelter in Mesa. The shelters are highly secretive. They arranged everything from my order of protection, my divorce help, my domestic violence classes, counseling, lodging, food, supplies for the babies. I had three young kids at the time. I was terrified but I could not believe that there were such places that cared about other people. ********************** By that point in my life I couldn’t believe much good about anyone. I doubted their motives, their goodness and their sincerity. But it was my history talking. The examples that I learned as a child taught me the lie about who I was. I had gone from a mother who had a nervous breakdown, to a foster home that I was too young to remember, (who I am told loved me and spoiled me), back to a neglectful and perverted father, to neglectful, poor and dysfunctional upbringing where I wasn’t wanted, to a perverted brother in law, and I could go on and on… but I won’t. Suffice to say, I was already broken and ripe for brainwashing. I looked for a way to belong and be gone. ********************** Even after spending several months in a shelter, I found myself still suffering the side affects of my physical and emotional abuse. It took me several years to work through not making the same mistake twice, but decades in learning to trust. I think that having a job as an investigator for over ten years just made my perception of people worse and my critical judgment and caution sharper. I learned to be even more suspicious. But here is the take away. I got an education (college levels). I found an excellent paying job, and was determined to do it alone. I became independent and strong. I refused to subject myself or my kids to anything of the sort ever again. (Though I must say, my two girls ended up in abusive relationships. My oldest told me “you did it and I have to find out for myself.” It broke my heart.) You see folks, this is what your kids will see and mimic. *********************** Gaslighting to the person that I was, worked. But gaslighting to who I am now doesn’t. It does not make me dependent and insecure. It has the reverse affect. It used to make me afraid. Now it makes me verbally combative. It actually makes me angry and resentful. Resentfulness can destroy a person from the inside, out. It is like small drops of poison that slowly overtakes the soul. Whatever good that you might get out of life is slowly darkened so that all you can see is the gaslighter’s abuse until you become part of the problem. It changes you… if you let it. **************** I recognize manipulation of any kind right away and it repulses me. It happens in work situations, counseling, family, and friends. Depending on who the culprit is, I either bite my tongue and ignore it or address it right away. And sometimes, I don’t handle it the way that I should. I bite back or turn cold. ************** I truly believe that it works best if I remain calm and address the behavior. Similar to the parent who is fully aware that they are in control, talking to the child who is behaving badly. You can afford to remain calm and correct the behavior because you know that you are in control. If I were to snap back, instead of remain calm, the perpetrator can twist it and say “what is wrong with you?!” But if I were to remain calm and direct their attention to the proper way to speak to me, it would have a better affect. Over time, they would learn to avoid repeating that mistake. You see, they are broken too. They need understanding and guidance also. God only knows what led them to be who they are. Life is hard. More and more people have had nasty upbringings and horrible examples of what relationships should look like. We need to help each other or, if we can’t, move on. *********************** I want you to understand that this is not normal behavior. It is never acceptable. It will never be healthy for you OR your children to witness because it breeds more brokenness and bad behavior. It destroys relationships with family, friends and coworkers because NO ONE wants to be around it. And it does take years to recover completely from it.

Performative

Performative: (Thanks Angel for sharing this word with me.) ********************************* A new term, to me. Essentially meaning, "performative acts or behavior intending to show others how they wish to be seen by others rather than who they really are." ************************************* If you think this isn't you, then read it and dismiss. But give your life an honest look, if only for your kid's sake. ********************************* Question: How long do you and your kids have their phones and electronic devices in their hands? Are you able to put it down and forget it for a half hour, hour or two or more? (Be honest, I have seen many of you that can't) Do your kids whine and complain when they can't have them? If I look at a tiny snapshot of your lives on social media, I would only see what you want me to see, likely not what is truly happening in your life. Your snapshot may make others think that you have it all together, while, in fact, your relationships, your home and life is falling down around you. ********************************** Some people know the truth because they know your life. But most think "oh my gosh how sweet" because they don't. You may also post something sad or dramatic to gain sympathy. And sometimes, people get hostile about things but don't explain what is truly happening, again, for attention. This is a new and pretty common plea for attention since the advent of social media. ******************************** I would ask you to nurture your relationships, not your social media pages. Put down your phones and tablets. Spend the appropriate amount of time with your kids, on your home, with your animals, on your responsibilities WITHOUT electronic devises or media attention for doing what is supposed to be normal in your life. ********************************** Do you think that you could be affected by this? To find out, do an experiment: ***************************** Lock away your electronic devices for three (3) days. (All of your household, children included.) Lock them up, out of sight, if needed. Only answer the phone out of necessity. No long texts, chats, phone calls, NOTHING that isn't essential to your life. To be sure, keep televisions off unless watching programs together when all else is complete. *********************** Spend your time on this: *Talk with your kids. * Have the kids do their routine chores. * Do YOUR chores. (If you don't assign chores, do it now-but make sure you have some too. The household is your primary responsibility, not your kids.) * Help them with homework. Make sure they did or are doing it. * Spend play time with your animals. * Make a lovely sit down dinner. * Have a real dinner conversation about their day. Talk about what they value most. How they feel about social media, likes and ignores. Friends. Activities. If old enough, drugs, boyfriends, etc * Clean up thoroughly after dinner. * Check their rooms and chores. * Do an activity together. * Send them to bed. * Have a nice glass of wine to wind down. REPEAT **************************** Not only should this bring your house and kids in order after a week, but it should build your bond and expand their insight into the damage of social media. It should also help you gain control over the things that seem to be getting away from you because you didn't notice how much time you spent with your electronics instead of your life. *************************** We are losing our ability to focus on our real lives, in favor of the facade that we display in the media. Please. For your kids sake and that of our world, your world even, focus on what you should be doing, not on what might gain likes and teach your kids the same. ******************** Again, if this isn't you, great, but if it is.... this is your chance to regain control of your life.

The True Nature of Things

There are wars and rumors of wars in this world. Do you think this is a sign? I mean, that isn’t the only sign, mind you. I certainly see. So many people out there are turning against each other, speaking hate and division. Christians are judging and condemning others, against those very ones that God created, right, wrong or indifferent. We speak not out of love, but out of our own sense of arrogance and righteousness, which by the way, we have no right to. ******************************************* Matthew 24: 6-13: “And you will hear of wars and rumors of wars. See that you are not alarmed, for this must take place, but the end is not yet. For nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom, and there will be famines and earthquakes in various places. All these are but the beginning of the birth pains. “Then they will deliver you up to tribulation and put you to death, and you will be hated by all nations for my name's sake. And then many will fall away and betray one another and hate one another. And many false prophets will arise and lead many astray. And because lawlessness will be increased, the love of many will grow cold. But the one who endures to the end will be saved. And this gospel of the kingdom will be proclaimed throughout the whole world as a testimony to all nations, and then the end will come.” ********************************************* Just look at all of the judgment and condemnation on social media. There are Christians and those who claim to be Christians on both sides of the political fence and still we defame, slander and spread half-truths out of ignorance and mob mentality. We, including our leaders, act and speak like hateful children fighting over a toy. Each wants to play king of the hill, to be on top. Neither caring about the masses of people who blindly follow with little to no true knowledge of the issues. The true issues are buried, while the true agenda is not even really hidden in rhetoric. Hate speech. Division. Defiance of our laws. Discord. Lies. Condemnation. Slander. Racism. Greed. Immorality. All of it swirling around for the discerning person to see, and yet, it is ignored because someone claims to wear the name tag ‘Christian’. ***************************************** Do you know what a Christian, a real Christian looks like… and is supposed to act like? Sure, we all stumble into the muck and mire of the world from time to time but we don’t LIVE there like pigs. We don’t wallow there being arrogant in our sense of superiority…. ********************************** Listen with a discerning heart. A true Christian heart. ******************************** James 2:9-10: “But if you show partiality, you are committing sin and are convicted by the law as transgressors. For whoever keeps the whole law but fails in one point has become accountable for all of it.” ********************************* James 2:12-13: “So speak and so act as those who are to be judged under the law of liberty. For judgment is without mercy to one who has shown no mercy. Mercy triumphs over judgment.” ********************************* James 3:2: “For we all stumble in many ways. And if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle his whole body.” **************************** James 3:6-9: “How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire. And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell. …. but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God.” **************************** James 3:16-18: “For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice. But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.” ****************************** Don’t spread it. Dread it. It is a sign of the times. The worldly poison that we swallow causes us to become like them. Go back to the bible. Remember what we do, what we put out there in the world is either with love or with hate. We cannot have both in our hearts and belong to God. ****************************** James 4:11-12: “Do not speak evil against one another, brothers. The one who speaks against a brother or judges his brother speaks evil against the law and judges the law. But if you judge the law, you are not a doer of the law but a judge. There is only one lawgiver and judge, he who is able to save and to destroy. But who are you to judge your neighbor?” ************************** Love. Gentle correction in love. Hate is not the answer.

The House is swept clean

Anyone who knows me will tell you how much I love a clean house. Organized, dust free, no dirty dishes or laundry piling up, clean floors, homey but prettily designed. Perhaps I clean too much... ***************************************** I have swept the house clean. I wandered far and found myself in darkness, again. I have not kept my light with me. Perhaps due to some worldly sense of rebellion and angst I suppose…. I really don’t know why, and, for that alone, I have become full of darkness. I am surrounded by the phantoms of the past, the whispers of the present and the doubts of the future. Cast into the old sea of forlorn wondering and twisted turmoils of life itself. I am bound to my own self doubts, my humanness and mistrust of others; such things that I thought were cast off forever. It whirls around my head and heart like a tempest and fills my stomach with such bile. I know, too, that I am not alone in this for no one who knows the Truth and walks away from it’s sanctuary can be in the light for long. Colorful words for such a dark colorless place to reside. ******************************************* Oh, I talk to Him plenty, but it becomes far and few between. I love Him always and am His, such as I am… but I feel that I have dwindled like a raisin in the sun becoming a dried up shell of who I should be. ********************************************** So, after much torment, I reach for my bible for comfort. Pleading for the closeness and sanctity that I used to feel. I come to James. ******************************************* James 1:1-7: “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. ****************************************** If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double minded man, unstable in all his ways.” ***************************************** Therein lies my problem. How ‘bout you? When I ask for guidance, I ask in doubt. I see no earthly reason why I, a sinner, a slacker, a sloth, a grumbler, a hypocrite, a wandering soul, should be deemed worthy of any assistance at all in this life. Oh, I don’t mean that I have doubts in His ability, no indeed. I have doubts in my own position in this world, my deserve-ed-ness (my own word), so to speak, to receive and accept help of any Heavenly kind. I am two-spirited, as it were. I believe with my whole heart in my God, my King and Christ Jesus but also, I harbor my old spirit of brokenness and doubt. Again, not in Him, but in this world, in my position in it, my worthiness, my plight, my… usefulness. *************************************** I wandered away quite willing to move on with my new life, exploring other Countries, holding close those I love dearly, restoring our empty, worn home and preparing for a future of idleness. In fact, I swept my house too clean. For that, I was visited by many ghosts that I had long since rid myself of. They come ten fold now because there is an empty shell that I failed to keep stocked with faith and light. They like, no- they LOVE the vast darkness that we prepared for them. ************************************* James 1: 13-15: “Let no one say when he is tempted, ‘I am being tempted by God,’ for God cannot be tempted with evil and He Himself tempts no one. But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death.” ************************************* You see, too much of a good thing can be sinful. We develop a higher desire for that thing and place it before all else, including our time with God. We fill ourselves with other things slowly and totally unaware-or we kid ourselves and say we were unaware when, in fact, we knew full well what we were choosing. Good things really, can be a distraction and become an idol, too you know. It is a gradual decent. Our family takes precedence, our home remodels, our vacations, yes, even our Christian duties and or status… can all become more important than God. ************************************* Experiences can become a division point, too. Negative experiences in the church, with specific ‘Christian people’, even pastors or priests can affect our walk. But here is the thing… are we NOT smart enough by now to realize that the evil one uses such distractions for his purposes, to distance us from God… the God that has a higher calling on our lives and you would think that we would get that by now?? *********************************** Okay, so we are all human and NONE, in fact, are worthy. That isn’t a reflection on God, or Faith or Christ. It is a reflection of our sinful nature. Duh! ********************************* We only notice when we hit bottom and our insides feel empty, our lives feel hollow, our worries override our sleep and we fall fully prey to the turmoil that is this world. This is truly how it happens, folks. We left our peace and chose to be bobbing out there, alone, in the sea without our life vest. (Our life vest being our Light vest; being God). Such is my life. Is it yours too? ******************************* You may recall, if you have read anything from before, I always warned my students that life in the world is harder than in Adult and Teen Challenge, or any such long term, live-in program. Inside, there are daily devotions, prayers, Christian education, Christian mentors and everything revolves around His word and desires. But once you graduate and leave, you are out in the real world. The world isn’t centered on God. It has its own set of rules and, frankly, none are very Christian. ***************************** In order to survive in this dark world, the student must remain connected to the Word, daily devotions, regular church and Christian connections. If you have trouble getting out to a church, then online it or TV, but, by all means, continue to do what is right in the eyes of the Lord and fill your heart and home with His word. But let it go empty; let it go void of His love, His guidance, His word…. Well then, there now is your empty house for seven more demons to take hold of… or at least 7 times the number that resided there before and more evil than before. You get the idea. *********************************** Matthew 12:43-45: "When an evil spirit comes out of a man, it goes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it. Then it says, 'I will return to the house I left.' When it arrives, it finds the house unoccupied, swept clean and put in order. Then it goes and takes with it seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there. And the final condition of that man is worse than the first. That is how it will be with this wicked generation." *************************************** So, if you find yourself, where I am now, simply crack His book, pray and work on getting back in the fold before the evil one notices you've gone and comes after you again… and he will.He always will.

Broken Vessels

Death, or the threat thereof, has a tendency of bringing up memories and coloring the wherefore and how comes in a different light. Most of you have been to funerals where the picture painted is not the one that you think best suited the person. If only we could paint with that brush during life. Some do, but most don’t. ****************************************** I have seen beneath the brokenness of so many others, not to mention myself. I can look at generations and understand how the sins/damage of the father, so to speak, carry on into the generations and lives and relationships and the stories of everyone who comes after. I have heard some of their stories, and I know my own, as does God. There is ALWAYS something that leads to brokenness, even if we never know the truth that lies behind someone else’s pain. We all have a story and sometimes, in the telling of it, we paint over it too, so that others won’t know our shame and pain. That is the bottom line, isn’t it? We can’t handle the rejection and we can’t afford to trust others with our real stories. We have been betrayed by the least likely in our lives. ***************************************** Psalm 31:12: “I have been forgotten like one who is dead; I have become like a broken vessel.” ********************************* Some people build up the pain into a prickly anger that boils over at anyone near them. Sometimes they tell stories to paint a far better picture. Some wallow in the brokenness and seem to enjoy the attention; starved for it. Some manipulate and lie because they don’t trust that people will accept them for who they really are or were. Sometimes they bury themselves in substance abuse to drown out the pain. Sometimes they turn to other bad choices out of deep seated needs never fulfilled. Sometimes they hide and become a shy introvert with no close relationships or trust. Sometimes, actually many times, they mold their lives into a combination of coping mechanisms like these and, sadly, the possibilities are endless. **************************************** Because there are more of us (broken vessels) in the world, most times broken vessels tend to gravitate to other broken vessels. When one lashes out in a storm of insecurity and rage, the other perpetuates the situation out of ignorance and brokenness too. Neither understanding how to defuse it; how to communicate pain and fear. It is a natural progression into dysfunction, to be sure. So naturally children and others who live in the environment can be damaged from the fall out of such storms. Thus, we have the world we live in and the product of this chaotic, violent age.*************************************** Like my favorite saying goes: Henry Wadsworth Longfellow: “If we could read the secret history of our enemies we should find in each man’s life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility.” ******************************** It is so very true. The secrets of our lives can be damaging, not just to us, but to everyone in our lives, especially our family, our children. If we could reveal the brokenness without fear of rejection and judgment, bringing the truth to light, we could heal and change and others can understand and be a part of the process. ********************************** 2 Cor 12:9-10: “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” ******************************** I see what people COULD be or could have been if only…. Fill in the blank. Perhaps in my old age it is easier to feel more sympathy, to paint with the possibilities instead of the dark hues of judgment. Perhaps you too can benefit from this option. ****************************** James 5:16: “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.” **************************************** We must arm ourselves with the love of God, the lessons in the bible, the promises of God, to learn and understand our purpose here despite the obstacles and damage. We must find and be a part of a good Christian community that supports us and does as good Christians should do. We can do it with God, but not alone. It is the people in our lives that choose the light over darkness that can draw us out and guide us to a better place. Ideally, not in death; ideally at a time in our lives when we haven’t been hardened by life choices and damage and deteriorated by brokenness and pain.

The Deaths of Sin

Finding Victory Over satan's Tricks & Traps by Tony Evans https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DIqzGP5CudY

Train up a Child

I was watching Tony Evans today. His sermon on “Life’s Disappointments can turn into God’s divine appointments.” There are some powerful statements when Mr Evans sermonizes. And it strikes me enough to share it with you. One such statement is: ************************** “It is unfortunate that we will do, in the career realm, in the financial realm and in the education realm, what we are unwilling to do in the spiritual realm. And that is, GO For It!************************************** “We will make great sacrifices, time and attention to make more money, get a title by our names, get popularity and notoriety, get elevation for what this world values and what it legitimately needs in order to function, but often at the cost of dreaming big spiritually.” ***************** My mind goes to our children, because while I can’t reach the adults in this world, despite my love and fear for them, it is the children who will suffer from the ignorance and lack of faith of the parents. Yes, as an adult, you have the right to choose what you believe and to go to hell in a handbasket if that is what you choose. I am so sorry to hear it and it does indeed break my heart…. But by your decision to NOT educate yourself spiritually, you are likely also NOT teaching your children about God and the sacrifice Jesus made on the cross for them either. ********************** I get that you see they are just as happy and oblivious to the ramifications of your decision on this side of the world because it IS the world of darkness and the evil one is in charge here so all manner of distractions and side shows exist to make you feel justified. Here. Some parents even disparage God and biblical teachings to their children or worse still, warp and mold it into something that it is not, like those who teach hate and twist scripture to suit them. Oh, there is a world full of false prophets and fake Christians proclaiming the Truth when the truth is not in them. Just look at our politicians, our government and our business practices. ***************************** But hear me out here. Do you research and read up on all of the things that you need to know in this world to become better educated and knowledgeable about them? Or... do you just believe what other people tell you? Do you get an ‘inclination’ or a ‘feeling’ that something doesn’t ring true and look it up? Do you just believe what facebook posts say, or Q or conspiracy theorists? What do you do when you want to understand something? Do you research or do you just repeat nonsense other people say about it without a true study of it? Are you wise? Are you a Lemming? Are you discerning? Do you have blind faith and believe what you hear, failing to see what is there? People do that, you know. TOO many people.***************** Believe it or not, someone very close to me used to quote what he heard from websites and others over his many years as if it were straight from the bible. I would lovingly tell him, “Until you read it for yourself, I don’t want to discuss it. Read it for yourself. You are a brilliant man. You look up EVERYTHING that you don’t understand and learn about it first hand. Either read the bible for yourself, New Testament first, or we can’t talk about it because what you were told, or what you believe, is not in the bible.” ********************** Over the years, he began to witness what God can do, will do and has done, in other’s lives… especially the broken. He was watching people’s living testimony play out in real life. People’s addictions removed, lives saved, children’s lives saved, families restored, miracles occurring. He listened and watched… and then, he began to read for himself. He couldn’t deny it any longer. *************************** But think of this… while you are in darkness and not seeing, you are raising up a family of unbelievers who also are in darkness and cannot see. They don’t know about God’s promises. They don’t understand what hope does and how it changes you. They don’t understand how to truly combat the evil that presents itself in their world. They have no inclination to believe or follow God and have eternal life rather than hell and damnation… THAT alone should be inspiration enough to save them from the darkness they could experience in a lifetime without God as their guide. **************** You fail to equip them for the inevitable and possibly hinder them from being open to faith in the One who can comfort and guide them through life. People will ALWAYS fail you. People die. People move. People aren’t mentally or spiritually equipped to support, defend or enable children through life but GOD and His word is ALWAYS there. ******************************* It’s my pain. It is my heart’s burden. KNOWING that Trinity pleaded to go to church as a child and loved hearing the bible stories. She would call me up and tell me to come get her. As a teenager, when we had her, she found God and cried like a baby at the fact that He forgave and loved her wholly. Knowing that she LOVES God so much and yet, through her life, was not equipped to turn to Him when trials came. She was not strong enough to understand that she was loved unconditionally by Him. That she only needed to call out to Him for strength. That there was another path. The world became so ingrained in her soul that it blinded her from the True power of His love. Her own choices have blurred reality to the point of death… and she can’t see it. But I can. There is only one of two ways this ends. And we already saw how it ended for our son-in-law at age 34. ****************** Do YOU not see it? Do YOU not want to give them every opportunity to live in the Light in this dark world instead of by its lowly ways? To share with them the Power, the Hope, the Love that the bible has for them? Why be okay with them to live in darkness expecting nothing and leaning solely on you? They need to be equipped to make that decision for themselves and yet, you are not equipping them. If you wait too long, the WORLD will be ingrained in them and they will not trust much else except by the mercy and grace of God. ********************* We will suffer at the hands of this world and its ways. But Paul did too, for his faith. ********************* 2 Cor 11:24-27: 24 Five times I received from the Jews the forty lashes minus one. 25 Three times I was beaten with rods, once I was pelted with stones, three times I was shipwrecked, I spent a night and a day in the open sea, 26 I have been constantly on the move. I have been in danger from rivers, in danger from bandits, in danger from my fellow Jews, in danger from Gentiles; in danger in the city, in danger in the country, in danger at sea; and in danger from false believers. 27 I have labored and toiled and have often gone without sleep; I have known hunger and thirst and have often gone without food; I have been cold and naked." ********************* 2 Cor 12: 6-10: “6 Even if I should choose to boast, I would not be a fool, because I would be speaking the truth. But I refrain, so no one will think more of me than is warranted by what I do or say, 7 or because of these surpassing great revelations. Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” ********************** His faith, despite ALL of his hardships kept him strong and focused in this world of false prophets and dark deeds. It gives us principles, morals, guidelines, to follow which the world does not adhere to. It gives us hope where there should be no hope. It gives us wisdom down through the ages. It gives us truth so that we will not be misguided. it gives us discernment so that no one can deceive us. It protects, defends, comforts, loves and surrounds us with others who have the same values. ************************** In Europe, we saw so many histories of the young, younger than 18, who gave their lives for their faith. They had a choice from day 1 because they were raised to know the truth when they saw it and were willing to die for it. And die, they did. In this country we wouldn’t be willing to live for it, let alone die for it. We won’t even crack a book to see what it says. We follow any whim and believe every author of nonsense when it comes to raising children and yet, we cannot… we do not fully equip them to decide what really matters for themselves. ****************** And you? What do YOU want for your kids, if not for you? That is my heartbreak… for you, yes, but more for the young lives that must endure darkness without truth and hope. You set them on the dark path and expect them to see the light? Fully equip them and let them decide for themselves. ***************** Prov 22:6: “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” ***************** Give that some thought. *********************