Remind me again... regrets

I reach up to scratch my eye and, in the process, discover an uncharted jungle between them. Clearly it has been left unattended for days. I wonder aloud, 'Oh my gosh... how many people have been close enough to me to see that ungroomed jungle of brows?!' It isn't like I don't have time to do it. I used to have a regimen. Like clockwork and sometimes more. I am an extra-ordinary organized person... or I used to be. Schedules, routines, spreadsheets, lists... love them all. But ask me when I last checked the mail, my bills due date, my eye brows, shaved, laundry or dusted.... I just don't recall. This is why I look at all of you out in this world, living your lives, oblivious to what is coming and I just wish that I could approach you with what I have learned, the hard way, and save you the pain and anguish. What would happen if I told that woman over there, right now, about regrets? Or I think, 'Does he know just how important every moment can be, should be, with your kids?' I still picture myself in your place when I look at you all. I see all of my misguided steps and mistakes and... regrets. I always think, as the old clique says, 'if only I had known then what I know now.' Then I wonder... if an 'observer' came up to ME, filled with love and the desire to enlighten and help me along my path at any critical part in my life, would I listen... or think they were rude and give them what for? Probably the latter, to be honest. Believe me, God puts people in our paths, sure enough, but not like a disinterested observer. I can't say 'disinterested’ because God is very concerned for us and He sends people with our best interests at heart. Can you imagine someone approaching you? "Excuse me, This particular time in your life will affect how you feel, how you grow, how you and your descendants live for generations to come. You should think very carefully what you say and do at this point.” Well, at any rate, I don’t have one, an observer, so I have no one that will hit pause and remind me to pluck, shave, dust, take my meds or call a doctor. I simply have to pretend to still have it all together. My cast iron, silver bullet mind has turned quite fluid. It now shares more properties with mercury. Elusive, fluid, fleeting and scattered. This isn’t all that you have to look forward to, you know. Everyone jokes about losing the car keys but we ‘forget’… ha ha get it? … We rarely talk about the moments where we are in the middle of our bank account and can’t remember what we were going to do. Or when you are trying to channel surf and you forget what you were looking for. Or someone asks you a question and instead of understanding immediately what they are asking, you take precious seconds to process what they said and they get impatient. It isn’t because they don’t love you. It is because this isn’t the person that they are used to and now they think you are playing dumb…. Whose playing? It is the slow degradation of our bodies and minds toward death. Nice, huh? I actually now have to intentionally think about all of the things that used to be so automatic that I never thought about them. Like feed the dogs, pay bills, get the mail, check emails and pluck, of course. This daily life stuff isn’t neatly filed away in a cast iron mental chart… it is floating around in the little recesses of my mind and when I try to reach for it, it slips away again… just like mercury. But as I age, and I don’t know if I am the only one, I assume that I am not… As we age, we long to snug up those relationships bonds that have loosened over the years with careers and responsibilities that got in the way. We long to let those closest to us know that we love them… to make SURE that they feel it and know. I feel my mortality in a way that I never have before. The saying ‘One foot in the grave’ comes to mind. I am not being dramatic. I am being real. My continuing list of infirmities make it real. I feel my entire body as it attempts to do what it always has. I feel it when I am not even moving. You tend to look at things a lot differently when your body and mind start to fail you. My work used to take over my life. My pride and judgments built barriers. Material wealth, careers, looks, conquests…. None of this will bring you peace or love. They are all weights that drag you down. But you can’t see that in the moment of pursuit. You see it in hindsight. You see it with age…. Ideally. It all comes down to relationships. Life is a balancing act really. I am constantly critiquing my past choices, from the smallest degree of my thoughts to the largest of decisions. Nothing is sacred. I wonder if it is a Christian thing or if everyone eventually analyzes their thoughts for hidden motives or judgments on every level? I am just me so I don’t know. I spend a lot more time analyzing the real motives of past situations, second guessing judgments, words, actions, choices…. But deeper. Inside. Character. Integrity. Fallibility. Sinfulness. Regrets. I have so many. So…. Here it goes…. At 62, I often people watch. Not as a creeper or nosy neighbor but out of curiosity and concern. I have always been interested in the psychology of people. In my teens, I wanted to be a psychologist. I wanted to dig deeper. I wanted to know the why of what people do and how they feel. I still do. I am grateful that God moved me in that direction. As a minister, I can do the same. I am so grateful that God never gave up on me. I can see a million reasons why he should have. But He gave me One reason why He won’t. Jesus. I watch people and wish that I could impart upon them how crucial life is, to cherish every moment, to trust in God’s plan for their lives, to literally teach their children about their salvation, to choose wisely each path, each reaction, each precious word. I always shake my internal head at myself for all of my wrong choices. Understand that my desire is not to criticize but to save you from yourself. … because I didn’t have an ‘observer’ and the one that tried to guide me (the Lord) I ignored for too long. There truly is a REaction for every action. But further, for every INaction there is a reaction. I truly can’t keep track of which I have more of and I know I will learn all about it on my final judgment day. I will apologize now for making those of you in line behind me who have to wait so long for your judgment day. Along with all of the things that are obvious to anyone, my sins in general, some of my other regrets must be said: • I regret all of the times that the Lord tried to capture my attention and I chose me instead. I gave Him Sundays for a little bit, but the rest of the time, I gave to myself… out of selfishness, ignorance, or any number of human failures that I am. It is a long list. • I regret not praising my children enough. For being so caught up in the rules, making a living, ‘getting things done’ that I was rarely in the moment with them. They were gifts from God and I treated them like property. (They would disagree but it is their love that blinds them from what I feel are my parental failures. Of which there are many) And yes, we have generational curses that will continue because of our failures. Keep that in mind next time you make choices when dealing with your children. • I regret not following the Spirit every time that God put people in my path that needed to be encouraged or loved. Sometimes I was too fearful, selfish, unsure to feed into them. Like Moses afraid to speak up, I let my pride interfere and I didn’t trust His wisdom. I didn’t understand that He would give me the words. And I didn’t have to care what I looked like because as long as I glorify HIM, not me, I plant the seed. He waters. He is the Gardener. I am the Servant. He gave me the gift of seeing the hurt in other for a reason. • I regret not being honest more as the situation warranted. My selfish ambition kept the truth from my lips. Too many times I chose the path of least resistance, especially as it related to my ambitions. The peaceful approach, ‘go along to get along’ is never the answer. It is a cop out. When a wrong is committed it is always wrong no matter who does it or what impact they have on your life, career or health. Love and truth must prevail if only for the good of other people’s souls. And our own. Those watching are more likely to understand Whose you are if you do what is right in the eyes of the Lord. I learned the hard way that His will WILL prevail and I will be happier if I trust in Him and not man. Man will always let you down. Like Jonah and the whale. The course of our lives WILL happen but we prolong the agony by trying to do it our way instead. • I regret being too honest. There were times that I wielded my truth like a sword with the intent to wound, not to to help. I was brutally blunt and rude. I meant to wound and weaken others into submission, not to build them up or teach them out of love. For that, I am so very sorry. • I regret that, at times, I allowed people or things to be my god. That is to say, I pushed God to the background because of my own relationships, because it wasn’t ‘in’. Relationships, jobs, vanity, pride, control, fear… all my constant companions that tag teamed me to keep me distracted from my God. Hear me now, as a Christian, I was too busy putting someone else on a pedestal. Let me tell you, Christians, this is such an easy thing to do in ministry. We hold up the person, we revere the person instead of understanding that the power behind us ALL is God, not ourselves. We read the words but we don’t really HEAR. God is our Savior. People don’t have to listen to Him, that is true. So the fact that they do what is right for your sake is wonderful, but don’t EVER think for one minute that God isn’t the real reason why people are compelled to do what is right. We must have no idols before God. I have so many regrets. Heed my warning. As my life wastes away, and since I started this blog to help you see that God loves you, He never gives up on you and if you are thinking of Him… it is only because He has chosen YOU to follow Him. No matter who you are. No matter what you have done. Let Him in. You can do life without Him but it costs so much more. If you are seeking Him, doesn’t matter where you are at in the scheme of things, it is because He is beckoning you to follow Him. He will give you the strength to walk His path.