And Still You Doubt

Because I see u hiding in the shadows, thinking that no one sees, And you keep on taking substances to try to find relief, Or you may vomit what you eat or maybe cut until you bleed, Because you lost all of your hope and you just cannot believe, And so I grieve... I truly grieve Because you think beauty is skin deep and that it somehow passed you by, And so you cover up with products that they sell with one more lie, Or you may be just rich enough to let the knife give it a try, Because you'd rather look good outside than believe I made you right, And so I cry...I truly cry Because you want to do what you want, but you couldn't take it slow, Someone said your special; but it was all for show And now you are left empty with nowhere else to go, Because My Life is not enough for you, your letting your life's blood go, And so I moan... I truly moan Because your childhood was taken from you by the evils hiding there, And so you grew up being hurt and living all your life in fear, And now you can't trust anyone and you refuse to shed a tear, Because you think your anger's stronger than the Spirit I left here, Not so, my dear. My Spirits here You think that no one cares about you and that you are all alone, And so you push people away and just continue on your own, And now you miss out on the love I send through others I have shown you, Because your brokenness surrounds you from the pain that you have known, And my heart weeps. I truly weep I knew you long before you were formed and loved you even then, I shared my Words of wisdom for your guidance and had it put to pen, I left the Holy Spirit here to give you guidance from above I chase you even in your darkness, bringing people filled with love, And still you doubt... what I'm about

Remind me again... regrets

I reach up to scratch my eye and, in the process, discover an uncharted jungle between them. Clearly it has been left unattended for days. I wonder aloud, 'Oh my gosh... how many people have been close enough to me to see that ungroomed jungle of brows?!' It isn't like I don't have time to do it. I used to have a regimen. Like clockwork and sometimes more. I am an extra-ordinary organized person... or I used to be. Schedules, routines, spreadsheets, lists... love them all. But ask me when I last checked the mail, my bills due date, my eye brows, shaved, laundry or dusted.... I just don't recall. This is why I look at all of you out in this world, living your lives, oblivious to what is coming and I just wish that I could approach you with what I have learned, the hard way, and save you the pain and anguish. What would happen if I told that woman over there, right now, about regrets? Or I think, 'Does he know just how important every moment can be, should be, with your kids?' I still picture myself in your place when I look at you all. I see all of my misguided steps and mistakes and... regrets. I always think, as the old clique says, 'if only I had known then what I know now.' Then I wonder... if an 'observer' came up to ME, filled with love and the desire to enlighten and help me along my path at any critical part in my life, would I listen... or think they were rude and give them what for? Probably the latter, to be honest. Believe me, God puts people in our paths, sure enough, but not like a disinterested observer. I can't say 'disinterested’ because God is very concerned for us and He sends people with our best interests at heart. Can you imagine someone approaching you? "Excuse me, This particular time in your life will affect how you feel, how you grow, how you and your descendants live for generations to come. You should think very carefully what you say and do at this point.” Well, at any rate, I don’t have one, an observer, so I have no one that will hit pause and remind me to pluck, shave, dust, take my meds or call a doctor. I simply have to pretend to still have it all together. My cast iron, silver bullet mind has turned quite fluid. It now shares more properties with mercury. Elusive, fluid, fleeting and scattered. This isn’t all that you have to look forward to, you know. Everyone jokes about losing the car keys but we ‘forget’… ha ha get it? … We rarely talk about the moments where we are in the middle of our bank account and can’t remember what we were going to do. Or when you are trying to channel surf and you forget what you were looking for. Or someone asks you a question and instead of understanding immediately what they are asking, you take precious seconds to process what they said and they get impatient. It isn’t because they don’t love you. It is because this isn’t the person that they are used to and now they think you are playing dumb…. Whose playing? It is the slow degradation of our bodies and minds toward death. Nice, huh? I actually now have to intentionally think about all of the things that used to be so automatic that I never thought about them. Like feed the dogs, pay bills, get the mail, check emails and pluck, of course. This daily life stuff isn’t neatly filed away in a cast iron mental chart… it is floating around in the little recesses of my mind and when I try to reach for it, it slips away again… just like mercury. But as I age, and I don’t know if I am the only one, I assume that I am not… As we age, we long to snug up those relationships bonds that have loosened over the years with careers and responsibilities that got in the way. We long to let those closest to us know that we love them… to make SURE that they feel it and know. I feel my mortality in a way that I never have before. The saying ‘One foot in the grave’ comes to mind. I am not being dramatic. I am being real. My continuing list of infirmities make it real. I feel my entire body as it attempts to do what it always has. I feel it when I am not even moving. You tend to look at things a lot differently when your body and mind start to fail you. My work used to take over my life. My pride and judgments built barriers. Material wealth, careers, looks, conquests…. None of this will bring you peace or love. They are all weights that drag you down. But you can’t see that in the moment of pursuit. You see it in hindsight. You see it with age…. Ideally. It all comes down to relationships. Life is a balancing act really. I am constantly critiquing my past choices, from the smallest degree of my thoughts to the largest of decisions. Nothing is sacred. I wonder if it is a Christian thing or if everyone eventually analyzes their thoughts for hidden motives or judgments on every level? I am just me so I don’t know. I spend a lot more time analyzing the real motives of past situations, second guessing judgments, words, actions, choices…. But deeper. Inside. Character. Integrity. Fallibility. Sinfulness. Regrets. I have so many. So…. Here it goes…. At 62, I often people watch. Not as a creeper or nosy neighbor but out of curiosity and concern. I have always been interested in the psychology of people. In my teens, I wanted to be a psychologist. I wanted to dig deeper. I wanted to know the why of what people do and how they feel. I still do. I am grateful that God moved me in that direction. As a minister, I can do the same. I am so grateful that God never gave up on me. I can see a million reasons why he should have. But He gave me One reason why He won’t. Jesus. I watch people and wish that I could impart upon them how crucial life is, to cherish every moment, to trust in God’s plan for their lives, to literally teach their children about their salvation, to choose wisely each path, each reaction, each precious word. I always shake my internal head at myself for all of my wrong choices. Understand that my desire is not to criticize but to save you from yourself. … because I didn’t have an ‘observer’ and the one that tried to guide me (the Lord) I ignored for too long. There truly is a REaction for every action. But further, for every INaction there is a reaction. I truly can’t keep track of which I have more of and I know I will learn all about it on my final judgment day. I will apologize now for making those of you in line behind me who have to wait so long for your judgment day. Along with all of the things that are obvious to anyone, my sins in general, some of my other regrets must be said: • I regret all of the times that the Lord tried to capture my attention and I chose me instead. I gave Him Sundays for a little bit, but the rest of the time, I gave to myself… out of selfishness, ignorance, or any number of human failures that I am. It is a long list. • I regret not praising my children enough. For being so caught up in the rules, making a living, ‘getting things done’ that I was rarely in the moment with them. They were gifts from God and I treated them like property. (They would disagree but it is their love that blinds them from what I feel are my parental failures. Of which there are many) And yes, we have generational curses that will continue because of our failures. Keep that in mind next time you make choices when dealing with your children. • I regret not following the Spirit every time that God put people in my path that needed to be encouraged or loved. Sometimes I was too fearful, selfish, unsure to feed into them. Like Moses afraid to speak up, I let my pride interfere and I didn’t trust His wisdom. I didn’t understand that He would give me the words. And I didn’t have to care what I looked like because as long as I glorify HIM, not me, I plant the seed. He waters. He is the Gardener. I am the Servant. He gave me the gift of seeing the hurt in other for a reason. • I regret not being honest more as the situation warranted. My selfish ambition kept the truth from my lips. Too many times I chose the path of least resistance, especially as it related to my ambitions. The peaceful approach, ‘go along to get along’ is never the answer. It is a cop out. When a wrong is committed it is always wrong no matter who does it or what impact they have on your life, career or health. Love and truth must prevail if only for the good of other people’s souls. And our own. Those watching are more likely to understand Whose you are if you do what is right in the eyes of the Lord. I learned the hard way that His will WILL prevail and I will be happier if I trust in Him and not man. Man will always let you down. Like Jonah and the whale. The course of our lives WILL happen but we prolong the agony by trying to do it our way instead. • I regret being too honest. There were times that I wielded my truth like a sword with the intent to wound, not to to help. I was brutally blunt and rude. I meant to wound and weaken others into submission, not to build them up or teach them out of love. For that, I am so very sorry. • I regret that, at times, I allowed people or things to be my god. That is to say, I pushed God to the background because of my own relationships, because it wasn’t ‘in’. Relationships, jobs, vanity, pride, control, fear… all my constant companions that tag teamed me to keep me distracted from my God. Hear me now, as a Christian, I was too busy putting someone else on a pedestal. Let me tell you, Christians, this is such an easy thing to do in ministry. We hold up the person, we revere the person instead of understanding that the power behind us ALL is God, not ourselves. We read the words but we don’t really HEAR. God is our Savior. People don’t have to listen to Him, that is true. So the fact that they do what is right for your sake is wonderful, but don’t EVER think for one minute that God isn’t the real reason why people are compelled to do what is right. We must have no idols before God. I have so many regrets. Heed my warning. As my life wastes away, and since I started this blog to help you see that God loves you, He never gives up on you and if you are thinking of Him… it is only because He has chosen YOU to follow Him. No matter who you are. No matter what you have done. Let Him in. You can do life without Him but it costs so much more. If you are seeking Him, doesn’t matter where you are at in the scheme of things, it is because He is beckoning you to follow Him. He will give you the strength to walk His path.

The "Less than: List

Another sleepless night. Most nights are like that with exception of the nights when the medications that help me sleep through pain actually works. Such is life at my age, I guess. I lie in bed most nights and repeatedly pray or say the name Jesus in order to lull myself to sleep and try to keep my mind from wandering. Some nights, lately, I lie there and think of all of the bad choices that I have made in my life, how much time that I wasted not following Christ, how many times I failed to follow His calling on my life… you know, all the what ifs that haunt us? You have them too, I suppose? I am not perfect. When people try to compliment me about being sweet or good, I have to try to set them straight. After all these decades, I figured out why people say things like, ‘it isn’t me, it is Christ in me.’ I say the same thing adding that if what was in my thoughts came out of my mouth, they would see that it isn’t me. I could picture some people thinking, “She is NOT a good person. She is still the same as she was when...” Others may say, “Nonsense, you are so sweet.” (Usually my kids :-) And still others may just tell me not to give God a black eye by being less than perfect in front of others. Whatever your thoughts on it, there is a battle in my mind telling me that I am failing, that I may not be chosen and I toss and turn over it until I sleep. So, if you are like me and you doubt yourself or your salvation, this one is for you, too. Even as I write it, it is for me. Again, He compels me to tell you this so that you will know. There are some hard and fast truths that we MUST remember. These are what I must tell myself. 1. God is omni-everything. Omniscience, Omnipresent and Omnipotent. ………….. Ps 147:5 If we know this, then why do we have trouble trusting in Him? Do you think that anything in your life is just too big for Him? 2. Christ loved us all so much that He died for us. ………………………………….. Jn 3:16 He literally chose death to save us, already knowing what we would do and be. All our warts and ugliness are not unknown to God. 3. We are chosen. We cannot seek Him except if He has called us. ………………….Jn 6:43-44 He chose us knowing what we bring to the table. We didn’t ‘find’ salvation. He chose us. We came to Him because we know His voice because we are His sheep. 4. God gave us to Christ and no one can snatch us out of His hands. ………………..Jn 10:27-30 We are on the list. We are His. He sought us out. It is not a mistake. Don’t let the evil one convince you otherwise. 5. None of us are worthy. ……………………………………………………………..Rm 3:9-20 I do not earn my spot as a Christian. I cannot ever be good enough to deserve my salvation. I always feel like I am ‘less than’ but I am still His. None of us are worthy. He loves us. 6. It is not by works but by faith. ……………………………………………………..Gal 2:16 I love him and desire to be better because I am a follower of Christ. Not by my own merit but by His love. It is my love and faith that gives me the desire to not sin. I changed my behavior and choices and now I simply continue to work on my thoughts. I desire to hold my thoughts captive. And frankly, my thoughts like to rebel. I fight them every day. Because we are human, this is always the case. 7. He works all things for our good. Even when it doesn’t seem like it. ……………..Rm 8:27-28 I have trust issues. Even when I stumble, even though I am not perfect and never will be, He works all things for His glory. The things that happen as a natural result of death and sin in this dark world are not the end of the story. All things work for good when we start acknowledging that. 8. Nothing is too tempting that, as Christ followers, we cannot overcome it. ……….1 Co 10:12-13 He gave us the tools to avoid temptation. He KNEW, see #1, that we would need help because, guess what? We are not perfect. We are human. When we stumble, it doesn’t mean that we have been orphaned. See #4. We cannot be snatched but we do still need to make choices that glorify God. Listen, we are and always will be human. I find the older that I get the more fractured my mind works. It is like trying to gather marbles in my hands with one swoop of the hands. It doesn’t work so well. But that doesn’t mean that I give up and call myself done. As the great Mandisa song says, “I’m just unfinished.” So I keep working at it. We all do. I just don’t like to pretend that I have it all together. I want to show you that God chose even me, in my imperfectness. I know so many broken people in this world who think they will never be worthy enough to be saved. Guess what? It isn’t about you. If you love God. If you are thinking about Him. If you believe in Him. If you know the Truth, you are on that list. See #4. You aren’t trying to get into an exclusive club that requires you to dress a certain way, speak a certain language, know the bible by heart and be a perfect Christian. You know why? Because that isn’t the Truth. Regardless of what some misguided souls tell you. He loves you where you are at and you CANNOT seek Him out unless you are already on the list. He meets you where you are at. He is calling you, chasing you and not letting you forget Him because He has a plan for your life and you just need to move towards Him and trust Him and believe. Reread those points up there again, please. Post them on your bathroom mirror. Carry them in your purse or wallet. Write them on your heart until you truly understand the depth of your own calling. Is it a free pass? Yes and no. Salvation is free to those who believe. However, you have some house cleaning to do because your love for Him makes you not want to stand before Him in a sinful state. But He gives you what you need to overcome temptation. See #8. We desire to make good choices and follow His prompting because of His sacrifice and love for us. No one will EVER love you better than Him. Unconditionally.

I Have Overcome the World

1 John 4:4: “Little children, you are from God and have overcome them, for he who is in you is greater than he who is in the world.” God must be using me again. I find myself on my hubby’s laptop in the middle of the day, on vacation with our family, in Germany. He, God- not my hubby, keeps nudging me to get to it. I, in my selfishness, make excuses. Maybe I am a little disenchanted with my infirmities and have felt sorry for myself. Maybe because of my health, I am having trouble with the thoughts and putting it into words. I really don’t know. God will fill me in later. But one thing that I do know, He keeps sending me messages through others. This time, through the movie “Father Stu.” Thanks Father Stu and Mark Wahlberg for following His calling. You done good. You readers should watch the movie before reading this. It will help in your understanding of what it is like to fight for something when it feels like so many people are against you. For those of us who are little more colorful but have a lot more to share, it is worth it as a reminder of what God has done in our lives and the lives of others. The movie is not boring. In fact, I failed to see how it was going to get from the harsh reality of life to the salvation of ‘Father Stu’ but it did and quite wonderfully. (It is a true story, by the way) I should add, for those of you who refuse to watch movies that have swear words and negative content, sometimes it helps to get real if you want to learn how to reach people in this dark world. This is an honest depiction of one man fighting himself and others to serve the Lord. Most of us weren’t born with a bible in our hands and pure motives in our lives. Some of us were beat down, abused and lied to in the darkest corners of your world. We are the ones that you should be reaching out to. You won’t find us in a pew in your church on Sunday but we are begging to be found. Lord knows He didn’t find me there. But He never gave up. I want to talk about the ways in which we sabotage ourselves and others, sometimes on purpose and sometimes totally oblivious. You see, it is no secret to those of us who want to serve the Lord, that there WILL be obstacles. There will be people who tell you that you are wrong. There will be so many viable but worldly reasons why it is not the easy or well sought after road. There will be very pious, successful and seemingly well meaning Christians that will block your way, make you feel small and unworthy, and act as if you will never be good enough for ‘fill in the blanks’ when you desire with all your heart to serve Him. There will be hurdles. There will be long lines of others ahead of you and seemingly ‘more Christian’ than you. There will be stacks of paperwork and red tape to cut through. Trust me, there will be a great deal of cost involved too. You will try so hard to put on your Sunday best and fit in. But inside, you feel like the dress or suit is one size too small and you have dirt on your knees from the streets that you come from. It will be hard work, on this earth. Because, ultimately, people usually get it wrong and make it harder than it should be. There is one God and only one way to serve Him. No where in the bible does it say to be someone that you aren’t, to wear what everyone expects you too, to worship how others do or to reach others in exactly the way they tell you to. Trust God to work through you and you do you! Just like Stu. SPOILER ALERT: One of my favorite parts of that movie was the time that he spoke up in the prison scene to reach those who didn’t even know they needed reaching. Deeper still, how his more ‘religious’ seminary brother was relieved that Stu spoke up in his way to reach the prisoners. Had Stu put on airs, God’s word would have fallen on deaf ears. He was real. He worked with what God gave him. He was comfortable in his own skin and that is who God called. So many times in the movie, he spoke out to proclaim it. So many times in our lives, in conforming to fit someone else’s view, we actually disengage with those that God wants us to connect with. Don’t do that. He called YOU. 1 Cor. 9:19-23: “Though I am free and belong to no one, I have made myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible. To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To those under the law I became like one under the law (though I myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law. To those not having the law I became like one not having the law (though I am not free from God’s law but am under Christ’s law),so as to win those not having the law. To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all people so that by all possible means I might save some. I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings.” I have felt like an orphan since I was small. Home was never MY home. I have loved the Lord since I was a wee child. I have no idea how I knew that He was up there. We didn’t go to church. But at about five(?) years old, I would lay in the grass at the bottom of our massive yard and talk to Him. It was too long ago to remember what I said. But He has always, even in my darkest days, chased me down. I still have no idea why. Except, like Stu, I believe in reaching people where they are and not putting on airs. The hardest thing that I have done so far was the fight to be a licensed minister. First, I am a woman in a board of males viewpoint. I am not the first. But I asked myself so many times if it was worth it. I had to tell my story to a bunch of older men who had no idea what my life was like… or more importantly, what my heart was like. I remember in one of the final meetings where it was being decided if I was good enough and if my husband would indeed go to bat for me despite his not yet being a Christian, two young people in that meeting spent their time on their cell phones as I spilled my heartfelt desire to follow God. I could feel the tension from my husband who was there solely for me. He would have stopped that meeting right then and asked them if they had something better to do had it not been my ultimate goal to be a part of this organization. He was livid that they had no respect or decorum for the procedure that they forced me to go through. He was even more upset that none of the elder board members recognized or stopped it. Secondly, I am a sinner in a world of people who forget that they are too. I was in my 50’s when I started the process. That is a lot of worldliness to cover in 50 years. I was as speckled with sin as my ANA lab report. What’s more, it isn’t necessarily what we do but our whole way of thinking that needs to change when we serve the Lord. I was at a point where I was analyzing every thought and word and trying to take it captive. That is 50 long years of rehabbing my thoughts and actions. Unfortunately, I think that when people find the Lord early, and God bless them for it, they stop looking for their internal flaws and forget they ever had any sin. It is the false “I have made it!’ syndrome. It felt like they were sitting in judgment of me; as if they are past that sin thing now and I should be too, at my age. Unfortunately, I was just getting started. And mostly, I was too honest and was supposed to color my sin with a blurred brush so as not to sound nonredeemable to the powers that be. There is more to it but essentially, I was being judged by people who forgot about those that Jesus called to follow Him and how He did it. My sins were great. So were the disciples. I didn’t murder anyone but I bet my words did a million times over. I am amazed that the Lord found any Light at all left in my heart. Of course, if you ask my kids they would argue the point. But try being totally honest with others about everything you failed at in life and see how ‘worthy’ you would be. Trouble is, I was being judged by people who may have stopped analyzing their own thoughts and actions because they thought that they were finished. Newsflash. We are human and terribly flawed. We are never ‘finished.’ At 62, (almost) I am still trying to monitor and police my thoughts and actions. I am a lot like Stu. Jesus called me. Of this there is no doubt. But humans put up the rules of what that should look like. They didn’t accept me for who I was or believe that I was really called. I argued and fought for my right to be called pastor because He told me to. Ultimately, they acquiesced. But the battle continues within myself. Maybe that is as it should be? I mean, my kids have great hearts but they have the same sense of ‘not good enough’ that I have. I didn’t do them any favors with that, I know. But we talk about it from time to time and I come to this thinking… maybe, it is because we always feel ‘less than’ that we can better recognize and reach others who feel the same… like Father Stu. Col 3:23-24: “Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ.” Too often, someone comes into your life and tries to tell you who and how you should be. Or maybe, just by them being present, you question your worthiness and direction. But ultimately, if you are reaching God’s people and helping saves souls, you are doing what God intended. Let Him deal with HOW you do it when you meet Him.

The Lord and Free Will

Prayer is a funny thing when you think about it closely enough. Prayer is a righteous but dangerous thing. It is righteous to those of us who know that the Lord holds the power. His word tells us that we will be given what we ask for… or… are we taking that out of context too? Mat 7:7: “Ask and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.” But prayer is a dangerous thing because of the deception surrounding it. Sometimes even well meaning Christians get it wrong. Inevitably, those who don’t read, study or follow scripture are the ones who suffer most. They become disenchanted with their faith because their prayers seemed to fall on deaf ears. Some will walk away from the Lord because of unanswered prayers. When, in my mind, we as Christians failed to teach people about prayer, free will and the Lord’s will. I was a teenager when I prayed for a stereo and promised ridiculous promises to get one. By the way, I didn’t get one. I also prayed for escape from my incestuous father but did not wait for the Lord to save me from it. I ended up almost falling prey to an incestuous uncle, as well. The proverbial ‘frying pan into the fire’ scenario to be sure. You see, as a young adult, I was impetuous and impatient, much like the woman I became. I didn’t know how to pray. Sadly, as a Christian, I have prayed for things just as self serving or hazardous for myself and for others. I never considered the damage that I could be doing when those prayers that I so adamantly believed in, for others, failed to come true. To this end, I write this because I am no more clear on this subject than I feel I should be. Before I go farther down this rabbit hole, please understand that I KNOW that the Lord is capable of changing the trajectory of someone’s life. I simply believe that there are several other factors that interfere. Only the good Lord can clear it all up when I pass on to be with Him. First, I believe that we ask for the wrong things and/or the wrong way sometimes. WE don’t know what the Lord has in store for us or anyone else. IF we trust that the Lord has a plan for our lives AND that He knows all things past, present and future, THEN our first words should be “Your will be done” above all else, yes? For example, we pray for the Lord not to take people who are ill and suffering. When they pass on to be with Him, we are angry and blame Him. Really? Perhaps we truly do not have enough faith if we cannot trust the Lord’s timing. Perhaps they would have suffered more. Perhaps they would be praying for death but unable to voice it. We are not all knowing. The Lord is. Secondly, and I am not going to number each point, the Lord gave us free will. The Lord, in His ultimate wisdom, wanted us to CHOOSE faith in Him. He did not want a world of glorified God-fearing zombies that simply do as we are told. He wanted us to worship Him from our hearts and have faith even when we cannot see. John 20:29: “Then Jesus told him, “Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen me and yet have believed.” Because of free will, I think that the Lord would not interfere DIRECTLY with someone’s life choices. I believe that He can, will and does intercede INDIRECTLY by prompting others to ‘attempt’ to heavily influence someone’s choices or direction. Rom 8:34: 34: “Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us.” If you all read my blogs then you know my feeling on free will. Free will kills. You also know about my beautiful granddaughter lost in addiction. I pray endlessly for the Lord to save her fom addiction and a horrible life in the streets. He hasn’t hit her with a bolt of lightening to turn her to Him or save her life. To this day, I wait on the Lord. What I do believe is that the Lord has put many people and things in her life so that she continues to seek help even when she doesn’t have the strength to go through with it. She talks about God and still holds onto her faith even in her darkest hour. She has reached out many many times to her mother for help and each time she runs from it when her mother goes to take her to rehab. I KNOW that it isn’t a lack in the Lord’s ability. It is her brokenness. She has put her faith in idols (drugs) and satan has been successful in deceiving her into thinking that she cannot ever be free or ‘worthy’. Don’t get me started on the ‘Worthy lie.” (Not this time anyway.) Needless to say, the Lord is very much active in her life and has left the 99 to save her and many like her. She just isn’t willing (free will) yet. Her faith is buried beneath the fear and darkness so that she cannot recognize the Light and Truth that is chasing her. Free will causes us to darken our doorways with sin, illness and regret. There is a natural consequence to our choices of free will. We smoke; we get cancer. We party; we become addicts. We lust; we become lustful, lost souls seeking idols that cannot fulfill us. But there is the other side too. Because everyone has free will, we become victims of someone else’s sin and free will. The pedophile, incestuous parents, rapist, sex traffickers, drug dealers, abusers…. Their free will kills innocent people. What doesn’t kill them, can cause them to become sinful, broken beings literally lost in darkness. Sin, all sin, leads to darkness and death. But the Lord is not the cause of it. He is the answer. I have a dear dear friend who is dying of cancer. She has suffered so very much physically, prior to this revelation and continues to suffer as the world attempts to heal her. She has been and is suffering with pain and illness in a very real way. This is not the Lord’s doing. We live in a fallen world of sin and illness since the fall of Adam and Eve. Sickness is a part of it. The world creates even more sickness and health issues by meddling where it shouldn’t and innocent people suffer. But that is in the world and of the world. The Lord has conquered the world and death. Our salvation is in Him. John 14:6: “Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” So, we make choices that cause us to suffer natural consequences. Others make choices that cause us to suffer unnatural consequences. The world being full of sickness and death has caused us to suffer. Our one and only salvation is in Christ. We pray that His will be done BUT to give protection where He will. To give comfort where He will. To use all His influence to bring others to salvation where He will. And to help those of us left behind understand and draw closer to Him in our darkest moments. THAT is what I pray for. Am I wrong in this vein of thinking? I don’t know. Maybe I should pray that He change my words to reflect His message so I don’t get it wrong? Again, I trust Him. If YOU trust Him, watch how you pray. Be careful what you pray for and teach others to pray responsibly. I love you all and wish you the best of health and happiness.

Absence-Love is always present

I feel that I owe you some sort of explanation for my absence. After all, showing you the love of Christ is the goal here and I can’t do that if I am absent. But I warn you, this isn’t a simple explanation and in my typical long-winded style I will give you a summary run down of the trials and successes that we have faced these many months. For those of you who could give a hoot, I will summarize: My health, our mission and our move. For those of you who wish to learn a bit more, stay tuned. Where to begin? I think Covid started it. Now, I know that Covid gets a bad wrap for everything. And to be honest, my health has always been ‘less than’ what a normal person should have to deal with… but I think this huge downward spiral happened after Covid. Now, I won’t bore you with the particulars because it is way too much. But here it goes… I was extremely sick the beginning of 2020 with what likely was covid but we didn’t know it was here in the states until March-ish. By March, I was recovering but dealing with mental and physical long-term after affects of the illness. Literally all of them. Lungs, skeletal, memory, heart, nerves, muscles… you get the idea. It took a year and a myriad of tests to figure it out. I must say that the Anti-Nuclear Antibody Test is vital to getting answers. That is what did the trick. I have been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. Mayo clinic summarizes it as: “Fibromyalgia is a disorder characterized by widespread musculoskeletal pain accompanied by fatigue, sleep, memory and mood issues. Researchers believe that fibromyalgia amplifies painful sensations by affecting the way your brain and spinal cord process painful and nonpainful signals. Symptoms often begin after an event, such as physical trauma, surgery, infection or significant psychological stress. In other cases, symptoms gradually accumulate over time with no single triggering event.” I have it all. Especially brain and pain issues. How do I explain this other part shortly? I was given a medication for fibromyalgia that had severe withdrawals… but didn’t know that. It had stopped working as well any way. (Duloxetine) I ran out while on vacation in Arizona and spent a week unable to move without skull pounding pain, nausea, and dizziness from vertigo. Then I decided to stop the second medication (Gabapentin) because I was afraid it caused white streaks in my peripheral vision. That took a week or so to taper from. It did stop the streaks. In between all of this, we planned to sell our Skoolie bus and move home to be with family. It was a long time coming and difficult to decide. We thought that it would take a month or so to sell. However, in one day of the ad being up, a lovely lady from Bakersfield came the next day and bought it pretty much for what we were asking. We had one week to pack up all our stuff and turn it over to the new owner. Now, stop here a minute. Here we are, both suffering from our own skeletal issues, my brain fog and we are packing up 4 years of tools and belongings in one week. Every day was a major trial for us. Some days I just stared trying to figure out what to put in a box, what to keep out, what would I need access to until we are able to unpack in August in our home. My husband would not want to admit it but he suffered the pain of two bad hips and a bad back. It was brutal. We spent all day doing what we could and all night suffering the pain for it. I had no desire to communicate or move. But God. We got through it and on the day of, the bus was clean and ready for the wonderful new owner. But then, where do we go? So, as it stands, we were and are houseless and have been since the end of January. Technically, we are not homeless. We own a home that we are renting until August to my beautiful granddaughter. But it won’t be solely ours until August. We are so grateful for our family who have opened their homes to us on our visits. We have been able to make every moment count. But as you know, living out of luggage is difficult. My desire is to disrupt their lives as little as possible and to be a help while under their roof. For this reason, my laptop, books, office stuff, and other items are put away out of sight. I am working on getting into some sort of routine. But it is difficult. The bulk of my time is spent in service to the family for letting us stay here. My expectation, not theirs. I believe that you must be of service to those who host you in their home. You disrupt their lives. They give up their master suite and sleep on the couch, they do all in their power to make you feel welcome and comfortable, they share their time, space and resources with you daily…. It is the least that I can do. One more hurdle to go… from May 2nd to August 1st we are supposed to fly to Europe to meet the grandkids that we have never held and spend time with our son, daughter-in-law and family there. We have many trips around Europe planned with and without them as it may be our very last time in Europe. But alas, Putin decided to commit atrocities against the Ukrainians, killing innocent civilians and bombing their cities. This may mean changes to our schedule as well. I could use your prayers, but I think the Ukrainians need them more. I sent our support to our son in Germany. He and his friend from Poland purchase much needed items and take supplies to Poland to help the refugees. But he also told me that Germany has the German Red Cross who is legitimate and helping refugees as well. https://www.drk.de/en/ I cannot stress enough how much pain and suffering these people are going through. Lost lives. People who have been thrown into war, have lost their homes, their children suffering, no supplies, constantly at risk. We have it so easy sitting on the sidelines in our comfy arm chairs just praying for them. Let’s do something more, shall we? Help these brave souls monetarily. President Zelensky is correct. If we allow 'the beast' to eat Ukraine, it will enhance his blood thirst for more countries. Maybe ours. You see, the beast knows that we do not want war. The beast knows that we fear war with them. And just like satan and his minions, as long as we do little or nothing to help, he knows that he can take even more. Personally, I think that putin is very mentally ill and working with less than full mental capacity. His people are prisoners of his reign and have little to no access to the truth of what is happening. We need to pray for a way to bring truth and protection to those who are desperate to be free of his reign of terror. I am saying… as much as we have going on, we are NEVER too busy to love others in a real way. Help these warriors, please!! And pray that we find a speedy resolution to this horrific war.

Difficult Year

Just a note to say that I will need some time away and have been taking it. We will be in transit for much of the year so I will return to writing when I can. My love and prayers are always for you