Emotional abuse-gaslighting

We hear a lot about gaslighting these days and my natural curiosity compelled me to look it up. I had no idea how prevalent it truly is. It is important for you to first read (much of) the article that I posted below between the arrows, then I will elaborate on my experiences and knowledge. ************************************* Here are some details from online, much of which is pulled from a Daily OM website article: “What is gaslighting? 8 signs you’re probably being gaslit.” There are so many more excellent articles about galsighting, including how to respond to such people. I am posting the signs first, and then the details of the article after so that you can see if you, or someone you know is being gaslit. After I post much of the article, I will delve into the dangers and different reactions below. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> How to Spot Gaslighting Behaviors Gaslighting involves a complete lack of empathy for the victim and can be extremely tricky to spot. To illustrate what that looks like in practice, here are eight telltale signs of gaslighting that can occur. *********** 1. A Gaslighter Uses Loaded Words Against You ****************** There are certain words and phrases that people use when they want to invalidate your thoughts and feelings. If someone calls you “crazy,” “irrational,” or “too sensitive,” they’re likely trying to attack your point of view, says Polk. A gaslighter may also accuse you of “imagining things” or “overreacting” to something they’ve said or done. **************** 2. A Gaslighter Is Extremely Defensive ***************** Polk also says that gaslighters tend to get overly defensive over small confrontations. Gaslighters need to be right, dislike criticism, and refuse to accept any blame, so if they feel like you’re challenging them, it’s not uncommon for them to become highly defensive in response. ********************** 3. A Gaslighter Is Constantly Telling You How You Feel ********************* One major gaslighting flag is when you feel something and your partner is like, “You shouldn’t feel that,” Dr. Bridbord says. Only you get to decide how you feel about a situation, but gaslighters will often try to make you question your take on reality to get you on their page and to undermine your judgment. ******************* 4. A Gaslighter Always Makes You Out to Be the Bad Guy ************************************ A common tactic used among gaslighters is DARVO, which stands for deny, accuse, and reverse victim and offender. A gaslighter might deny their victim’s assertion of hurtful, deceptive, or manipulative behavior, according to Bridbord. Not only that, but they also might turn around and accuse the wounded party of unfairly attacking them, turning themselves into the victim and you into the bad guy. Reversing blame can also look like the gaslighter saying that you made them behave a certain way, and that it was your fault. *************************** 5. You Start to Question Your Reality Around a Gaslighter ***************************** The result of being gaslit is you begin to feel as if you can’t trust your own thoughts or feelings. That’s one reason it’s difficult for a victim of gaslighting to realize what’s happening. A gaslighter might make you feel this way through outright denying what you know to be true, saying that you’re confusing them, trivializing your feelings, or completely ignoring you and changing the subject. However they attempt to manipulate you, Bridbord says, their gaslighting behavior can lead you to experience “a chronic sense of self-doubt” and loss of confidence. You may notice you’re having a harder time than normal making decisions because you don’t trust yourself, and that you’re overly worried about the consequences of making the wrong one. *********************************** In a healthy relationship, be it romantic, friendly, professional, or familial, you should be made to feel good about yourself, because people who care about you and respect you want to build you up and for you to succeed. Gaslighters, on the other hand, will often tear down your confidence as a way to make you easier to manipulate. **************************** 6. A Gas-Lighter Undermines Your Self-Confidence ********************* “If you’re feeling depressed and anxious, that doesn’t mean your partner is gaslighting you, of course,” stresses Bridbord. “But if you have these other feelings that are associated with it, like your partner doesn’t feel safe to you, your partner doesn’t feel like somebody you can really be yourself with, and that they have your back,” you might be a victim of gaslighting, says the expert.  ******************** 7. A Gaslighter Outright Denies What You Know to Be True *************************** In extreme cases, gaslighters will delete or destroy evidence of something that happened in order to maintain their version of reality. “They may move or adjust things so you question your memory,” Nickerson says, like the husband in Hamilton’s play. They might also deny saying or doing things you know they said or did (but have no evidence of), then try to make you feel like you’re making things up. ************************ 8. You Feel Like You Need to Agree on Everything **************** In a healthy romantic relationship, it’s normal to have disagreements. You can agree to disagree and accept the fact that you have different perspectives, so long as you’re respectful and caring and you acknowledge each other’s point of view. “But when you’re in an abusive relationship, it’s not okay to have a different perspective, in essence,” Bridbord says. “You’re supposed to be the same.” In the workplace, a responsible and ethical manager will recognize the power imbalance between themselves and their employees and be mindful not to exploit it or deflect their actions, explains Polk. Whereas “a boss that’s gaslighting would make an employee feel dumb or irrational for things they don’t know. For example, ‘You didn’t know you should’ve called them back?’ [But] the underlying issue is the boss providing inadequate training or guidance. A healthy boss in that situation would say something like, ‘I’m sorry, I forgot to mention that it’s our policy to call back in that situation.’” *************************** Over time, a gaslit employee might begin to lose faith in their own abilities, question their reality, and become a less effective worker, not to mention feel miserable going into the office every day. *********************** ---- According to Merriam-Webster, gaslighting is the “psychological manipulation of a person usually over an extended period of time that causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories and typically leads to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, uncertainty of one’s emotional or mental stability, and a dependency on the perpetrator.” *************************** ….we associate gaslighting with toxic romantic partnerships, but it can take place between parents and children, with our supposed friends, in the office, when we go to the doctor, and even on a societal scale when used to deny the existence of structural biases. ******************************** “Hands down, it’s always manipulative, but it’s not always intentionally abusive,” licensed clinical psychologist Karen Bridbord, PhD, tells DailyOM. **************************** “A subtle form of gaslighting may be saying to your partner, ‘Seriously, this is still bothering you?’ We could say that statement is more basic dismissal, but gaslighting falls under that category,” says Jason Polk, LCSW, a licensed therapist and social worker. ************************** “….an example of a more serious form of gaslighting could be something like your significant other deleting texts or emails and then denying that they ever existed in the first place. She tells DailyOM that in the case of a parent and child, gaslighting often happens alongside serious forms of emotional, physical, or sexual abuse. A parent might say, “Oh c’mon, that didn’t hurt.” That will cause a child to question their reaction to the pain they’ve experienced. ***************************** “If someone constantly invalidates your feelings and tells you that how you think, what you remember, and what you perceive is wrong — they are gaslighting you,” Dr. Nickerson explains. **************************** Nevertheless, it’s always valid and even wise to exit a situation if someone is behaving poorly toward you, whether or not they’re using gaslighting tactics. “The definition of ‘poorly’ is subjective, and that’s the point,” Polk says. “Your subjective reality is yours, and it’s valid. No one can define it for you.” **************************** In fact, experts say that gaslighting is common among people with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). People with NPD have an inflated sense of self-importance and a lack of empathy, and often use charm and deceit to manipulate the people around them. Gaslighting is a major part of this. ************************************ What to Do If You’re a Gaslighter ********************* Though it’s painful to look in the mirror and see yourself as someone who uses manipulative, gaslighting tactics, you can change your ways. Simply thinking you may be a gaslighter is a good first step toward addressing the issue and healing. “That requires a degree of honesty and humility,” Polk says. “Then you need to start practicing and expressing three things in your relationship: empathy, accountability, and vulnerability.” *************************** Bridbord says that in many cases, gaslighters learned their behavior through interpersonal relationships they were in as children, and that it’s possible to unlearn these behaviors — if, that is, they’re willing to put in the work. ************************ Try to practice seeing the other person as separate from yourself, with different values, opinions, and experiences. One step you can take is to ask your partner or the person you’ve been gaslighting to point out when you’re doing it, and to practice showing empathy, taking responsibility, and learning from the experience. Seeing a therapist can also be helpful. ************************** Are You Being Gaslit? ************************** Ultimately, if you have suspicions that you’re being gaslit, that’s confirmation enough that something isn’t right in that relationship. Recognize gaslighting for the serious problem that it is, and respond in a way that puts your health and safety first — whether that means confiding in friends and family, going to therapy, or exiting the situation. Most importantly, remember that your thoughts, feelings, and memories are completely valid, and treat yourself with compassion as you go forward toward a safer, healthier place. <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< AI google: Gaslighting can involve: • Lying or withholding information • Constantly criticizing • Blaming • Making verbally abusive statements • Intimidation • Denial of responsibility • Minimizing abusive behavior • Backhanded compliments or apologies >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> • Passive-aggressive gaslighting is a form of manipulation: It's a way to gain power and make someone doubt reality and their sanity. • Gaslighting can be subtle and difficult to detect: It can involve persistent lying, subtle digs, and judgments. • Gaslighting can be disguised as sarcasm or negative humor: This can include making fun of or embarrassing someone in private or public. • Gaslighting can be used by covert narcissists: They may use gaslighting, manipulation, and intimidation to gain control over others. • Gaslighting can involve plausible deniability: The gaslighter can easily deny that what they said or did was intended to harm. • Gaslighting can involve twisting the truth: For example, a partner might tell you they went to a bar but leave out who was there. <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< This is me now. ************** 1. You are rarely in it alone. What you are learning, your children are seeing and learning. ************** 2. It is not normal or acceptable or cute. You need to address it and make a life changing decision. ****************** 3. You aren’t the only victim. The person who is gaslighting you has a story too, but that doesn't make it your job to fix them if it damages you or your children. ******************* 4. Most likely, the perpetrator has other disorders that make him/her susceptible to gaslighting. ***************** 5. You need counseling. There are domestic violence FREE counseling online. You need to repair your broken thought processes and relearn how to be yourself and strong. ********************* 6. Your children need counseling to undo the damage of what they saw and learned. *************** 7. You can’t change it if you don’t change your situation first. ******************* Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse. It has been going on for centuries… probably as long as the world has had people in it. The word may be a new term for it but the behavior is ancient. It may or may not be part of the method of abuse when an abuser is first trying to brainwash and condition you. They do it to make you stay, by weakening your self esteem and breaking you down so that you believe that no one else will have you and that he loves you more than anyone else ever would. (When in reality, his treatment of you proves quite the opposite.) Actions really do speak louder than words, people! ********************************** Many times, emotional abuse (gaslighting) is linked to narcissists, pathological liars, passive aggressive behaviors, antisocial behaviors, ADHD… in fact, it is likely that emotional abuse or gaslighting is linked to many disorders that already exist in the perpetrator. *********************** As a vulnerable, low self esteem personality, with a horrific childhood and lack of familial love and support or any combination of such afflictions, a person is ripe for such tactics. It usually starts out slow enough so that you don’t notice. You may notice ‘cute little’ signs of jealousy. Comments about his/her possessiveness. He may express quaint “old fashioned’ ideas of marriage and wifely duties. But it quickly escalates to one sided battles about ‘did you just look at that man who walked in’ to ‘if you leave me, I will kill you.’ ******************************* What I wanted to talk about is us. The ones on the receiving end. ******************** You see, the first time this happened to me, it worked. I was terrified to leave. I cowered when I saw that look. I once chased one of his friends away from my door in complete fear of my life. Not fear of him but fear of what my husband would think and do. He had come to ask for my husband, who wasn’t home. I literally shook as I told him he had to leave. Unfortunately, I was beat for that anyway. (My first husband had his own wicked childhood and demons.) ************************ It took me about 5 years to tell someone about my abusive marriage; it is hard to hide black eyes and bruises. (He did get better at not hitting me where it showed.) If he wasn’t so hot headed and lazy, I probably would have died there. But I convinced him to let me work (because he wasn’t) and that was my saving grace. People noticed. One security guard at my job recognized the signs. She had been in that situation too. The Motorola nurse began to ask questions about my headaches, etc. She talked to me over an almost two year period until I was ready to leave. She would call shelters and see if there were beds available for a woman with 3 kids. When I couldn’t sneak away, she would try again. She never gave up. ********************** I finally let her help me. She found a shelter in Mesa. The shelters are highly secretive. They arranged everything from my order of protection, my divorce help, my domestic violence classes, counseling, lodging, food, supplies for the babies. I had three young kids at the time. I was terrified but I could not believe that there were such places that cared about other people. ********************** By that point in my life I couldn’t believe much good about anyone. I doubted their motives, their goodness and their sincerity. But it was my history talking. The examples that I learned as a child taught me the lie about who I was. I had gone from a mother who had a nervous breakdown, to a foster home that I was too young to remember, (who I am told loved me and spoiled me), back to a neglectful and perverted father, to neglectful, poor and dysfunctional upbringing where I wasn’t wanted, to a perverted brother in law, and I could go on and on… but I won’t. Suffice to say, I was already broken and ripe for brainwashing. I looked for a way to belong and be gone. ********************** Even after spending several months in a shelter, I found myself still suffering the side affects of my physical and emotional abuse. It took me several years to work through not making the same mistake twice, but decades in learning to trust. I think that having a job as an investigator for over ten years just made my perception of people worse and my critical judgment and caution sharper. I learned to be even more suspicious. But here is the take away. I got an education (college levels). I found an excellent paying job, and was determined to do it alone. I became independent and strong. I refused to subject myself or my kids to anything of the sort ever again. (Though I must say, my two girls ended up in abusive relationships. My oldest told me “you did it and I have to find out for myself.” It broke my heart.) You see folks, this is what your kids will see and mimic. *********************** Gaslighting to the person that I was, worked. But gaslighting to who I am now doesn’t. It does not make me dependent and insecure. It has the reverse affect. It used to make me afraid. Now it makes me verbally combative. It actually makes me angry and resentful. Resentfulness can destroy a person from the inside, out. It is like small drops of poison that slowly overtakes the soul. Whatever good that you might get out of life is slowly darkened so that all you can see is the gaslighter’s abuse until you become part of the problem. It changes you… if you let it. **************** I recognize manipulation of any kind right away and it repulses me. It happens in work situations, counseling, family, and friends. Depending on who the culprit is, I either bite my tongue and ignore it or address it right away. And sometimes, I don’t handle it the way that I should. I bite back or turn cold. ************** I truly believe that it works best if I remain calm and address the behavior. Similar to the parent who is fully aware that they are in control, talking to the child who is behaving badly. You can afford to remain calm and correct the behavior because you know that you are in control. If I were to snap back, instead of remain calm, the perpetrator can twist it and say “what is wrong with you?!” But if I were to remain calm and direct their attention to the proper way to speak to me, it would have a better affect. Over time, they would learn to avoid repeating that mistake. You see, they are broken too. They need understanding and guidance also. God only knows what led them to be who they are. Life is hard. More and more people have had nasty upbringings and horrible examples of what relationships should look like. We need to help each other or, if we can’t, move on. *********************** I want you to understand that this is not normal behavior. It is never acceptable. It will never be healthy for you OR your children to witness because it breeds more brokenness and bad behavior. It destroys relationships with family, friends and coworkers because NO ONE wants to be around it. And it does take years to recover completely from it.

Performative

Performative: (Thanks Angel for sharing this word with me.) ********************************* A new term, to me. Essentially meaning, "performative acts or behavior intending to show others how they wish to be seen by others rather than who they really are." ************************************* If you think this isn't you, then read it and dismiss. But give your life an honest look, if only for your kid's sake. ********************************* Question: How long do you and your kids have their phones and electronic devices in their hands? Are you able to put it down and forget it for a half hour, hour or two or more? (Be honest, I have seen many of you that can't) Do your kids whine and complain when they can't have them? If I look at a tiny snapshot of your lives on social media, I would only see what you want me to see, likely not what is truly happening in your life. Your snapshot may make others think that you have it all together, while, in fact, your relationships, your home and life is falling down around you. ********************************** Some people know the truth because they know your life. But most think "oh my gosh how sweet" because they don't. You may also post something sad or dramatic to gain sympathy. And sometimes, people get hostile about things but don't explain what is truly happening, again, for attention. This is a new and pretty common plea for attention since the advent of social media. ******************************** I would ask you to nurture your relationships, not your social media pages. Put down your phones and tablets. Spend the appropriate amount of time with your kids, on your home, with your animals, on your responsibilities WITHOUT electronic devises or media attention for doing what is supposed to be normal in your life. ********************************** Do you think that you could be affected by this? To find out, do an experiment: ***************************** Lock away your electronic devices for three (3) days. (All of your household, children included.) Lock them up, out of sight, if needed. Only answer the phone out of necessity. No long texts, chats, phone calls, NOTHING that isn't essential to your life. To be sure, keep televisions off unless watching programs together when all else is complete. *********************** Spend your time on this: *Talk with your kids. * Have the kids do their routine chores. * Do YOUR chores. (If you don't assign chores, do it now-but make sure you have some too. The household is your primary responsibility, not your kids.) * Help them with homework. Make sure they did or are doing it. * Spend play time with your animals. * Make a lovely sit down dinner. * Have a real dinner conversation about their day. Talk about what they value most. How they feel about social media, likes and ignores. Friends. Activities. If old enough, drugs, boyfriends, etc * Clean up thoroughly after dinner. * Check their rooms and chores. * Do an activity together. * Send them to bed. * Have a nice glass of wine to wind down. REPEAT **************************** Not only should this bring your house and kids in order after a week, but it should build your bond and expand their insight into the damage of social media. It should also help you gain control over the things that seem to be getting away from you because you didn't notice how much time you spent with your electronics instead of your life. *************************** We are losing our ability to focus on our real lives, in favor of the facade that we display in the media. Please. For your kids sake and that of our world, your world even, focus on what you should be doing, not on what might gain likes and teach your kids the same. ******************** Again, if this isn't you, great, but if it is.... this is your chance to regain control of your life.