The Great Divide

 

When I was little, I remember wandering around town, and out of town, by myself just to see what the world looked like. I was like a street urchin in a tiny rural, unincorporated town that had a creek running through it, a river outside it, farmland, an actual mine to explore, close knit community and all the excitement that a child can find when allowed to explore unattended.

We had a blended family and slept three to a bed at times because our combined family was 14 strong. As with most blended families, we had our problems. The father was on my side of the family. The mother on their side. Keeping in mind that I was very young, probably around two, when they regained custody of me from my foster family, my memories are a mix of wonderful freedoms and friendships along with clearly dysfunctional living, unconventional parenting and sibling rivalry.

From what I recall, the parents did their own thing and left the older kids to manage the household. If I came home late from exploring, there was no real consequence. When I almost got ran over for sledding down a steep road, I got spanked. We had a well, an outhouse, a chamber pot and no running water. The first and only time that I had been disciplined, if I remember right. When we got Christmas presents, mine disappeared shortly after. Sometimes we would be forced to stay outside at night when the parents were away so that the older girls could have their friends over. I recall my step-sister almost coming to blows with my sister(s)? to let us in or else. One by one, my (real) sisters left home as soon as they were able. I was the youngest and the last to leave. My own father left too, and I was left behind. I was maybe 8 years old.

After my real family left me there, despite the years I lived with them, I recall a few incidents when step-mom asked why I was still there in their home. She complained about why I was still there and said that I wasn’t wanted. I recall one time when the younger step-brother shook me and tried to make me say that I was retarded. The funny thing is, I remember the rest of my time as being so adventurous and fun.

It was, however, a relief when one of my sisters came for me to live with her. I think the father and her were given ultimatums. “Come and get your child or…” The father couldn’t be bothered so my loving sister Bootie came. I packed a clothes basket of what we could find and left.

There is far more that happened from childhood to adulthood that is not irrelevant to how I turned out but seems too much to add here at this moment. You can imagine the worst and extrapolate the possibilities on your own. You probably wouldn’t be far off.

Literally all my life until I had a home of my own, I felt like an orphan. Throughout adulthood, I felt insecure, unloved; like an outsider. I struggled to fit in and be accepted. Not that people didn’t accept me, but that I always felt that I had to try harder to be ‘worthy.’ On the inside there was this great battle of good and evil trying to control who I thought I was. Perhaps part of me being a loner, and so good at working on my own, was because I never felt that I could truly trust anyone to do their part or sincerely care about the outcome as I do.

My relationships reflected my insecurity and lack of trust from choices that I made in life which damaged me further. You see, as you know, if you don’t have good examples to model your decisions after… or if circumstances cause you to stray away from the good that you know, into the darkness that you feel safe in, then your decisions, relationships and behavior are molded very differently than someone with a normal, loving background.

They say, the infamous ‘they’, that those who have been broken and put back together from the lowest of lows are best at empathy and love. Perhaps that is why Christ chooses us. Yes, we have a great deal of empathy, but it comes at a cost too.

We have nurtured, over the years of brokenness, a lot of messed up ideals of how we should be. We come from a place of never having the right mentor or examples to follow in life. Or, we did, and we chose to, follow the complete opposite. In any case, whatever our lives were and became, we find ourselves here.

All this to say, How do we make sure that we provide the proper nurturing and love to those that God asked us to serve if we have become reactionary and guarded from our damaged lives? We the people have to lead His people in love. What does that look like to a bunch of broken misfits as us? Practically speaking, of course.

There are two key sayings that come to mind which helped me, along with scripture, realize how important my reactions to others can be. It took me years and years to really ‘get it’.

One is “Treat people how you want to be treated.”

Luke 6:31: “And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them.”

The other is “If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find in each man’s life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility.” Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

And one of my biblical favorites is:

Eph 6:12: “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.”

People handle positions of power differently. Meaning, both leaders AND followers have a different view of leadership.

We are ultimately secular beings trying to live like Christians. So, it makes sense that we should have trouble putting to use our newfound Christian values as it relates to work related positions. We have had all of the biblical training as the best of Christians but whether our titles are in ministry positions or not, we haven’t had practical life applications of how to put our biblical beliefs to good use in a work environment.

You see, secularly we view positions of authority as power and autonomy. We think that we have finally made it and we now have the freedom to do what we want. In fact, the dictionary has one definition of autonomy as “self-directing freedom and especially moral independence.” But that simply isn’t the way we should be. We must, as followers of Christ, do our best to love others above ourselves and live by His moral code, am I right?

Well, you can read all you want about horses. We can call you a horseman and put you on a horse, but if you have never actually ridden one, your tendency might be to kick its sides and yank the reigns. You come at a horse like that and you will find yourself on the ground dusting off your bottom.

We lean to what we know. Coming from the streets, we use our street smarts as a default when we don’t know any better. We respond with power and control rather than learning how to build trust first. It is typically the first mistake. It is the same in leadership. We don’t just walk into the title and BAM we are a leader. We have to build trust and learn by trial and error. The problem is, we still think like we did in the world. Out of fear and insecurity we reign with power and control and no apologies because we don’t want people to see us fall off.

Out in the world, if you are given a ‘title’, you typically have to compete with others for it. This alone can create barriers to unity and successful outcomes. It pits one against the other and the ‘winner’ has to question what she has won. Position comes with immediate resentment, hidden agendas to knock you off of your horse and debate about what is the best way to do your job. If you are wise, you learn to lead rather than to dictate in order to meet your goals. You need buy-in but every day can be a constant struggle to teach others how to be productive team mates.

Phil 2:2-4: “Complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.”

You will find that all of a sudden people will align themselves to you that weren’t before. It may be difficult to stay neutral and it will be expected that you show favoritism to those who are there to support you and be your ‘friends.’ It will be difficult to separate your work world from your personal alliances.

A good rule of thumb is that you NEVER want to put yourself in a position to be accused of impropriety. If you can’t do or say it to everyone, best not do or say it at all to anyone.

You will find those who will do what they can to sabotage your position and make you look bad. They initiate ‘secret’ conversations with you in order to ensnare you unjustly.

You will find those who fight amongst themselves and don’t really think much about you or your position. They just want to do what they are called to do.

You will also find those that see the whole picture and just want to share ideas on how to make it work smoothly.

Unfortunately, you can rarely tell any of them apart. Who is truly for or against you? Are they in it for themselves or is it sincere?

I am reading a book called “The Tattooist of Auschwitz”. It says, “And just like a king, he must now be wary of people’s motives for befriending him or taking him into their confidence. Are they jealous? Do they want my job? Do I run the risk of being wrongly accused of something? He has seen the consequences of greed and mistrust here.”

In our Christ like world, you are supposed to serve in a role that you are called to. If you truly believe that you are called to a position, then you need to serve as Christ did, be teachable and do your utmost for others. If you stay in God’s will, and are serving in love, He will bless you in your obedience. He will keep you where you are meant to be. End of.

We aren’t supposed to be like the world in positions of ministry. We are supposed to TRUST that God has put us where He wants us. THAT is why we can easily admit mistakes, be honest in our shortcomings. Seek help with issues that make our blood boil. Accept correction when it is given and seek forgiveness a million times if we have to because we ARE Christians and we will always be unlearning worldly methods of leadership until the day we pass on. As long as we are leading scripturally, we should feel secure in what we do because we all should be thinking the same thing. We are in this together and we are where Christ wants us.

As a Christian leader, the difference isn’t in what others do in reaction to your title. People, Christian or not, will always align themselves to self-survival mode. We always have to be wary of why other people do what they do if we are in a position of authority. The difference is you! Do YOU trust God? How do you react and serve in a biblical position? Nothing that anyone else does matters IF you are serving in love and obedience to what Christ would do in your shoes.

If you are serving in love and transparency: You shouldn’t fear being taken from it unless it is God’s will. If He moves you to something else, embrace the change. You shouldn’t be insecure about making mistakes. Honesty sets you high upon the throne in the sight of others but a lack of integrity will undermine your position. People see what you do and they emulate it. You should be able to confess short comings and seek guidance without pride. There is no shame in admitting when you have sinned against your fellow man and fallen short of what God wishes you to do. Surely you must know that “There but by the Grace of God go I.” None of us are immune to behaving humanly. Some of us just hide it better. As a Christian, you do not need to fight for your position. You can feel secure in it and put all your energies into being a good servant.

Worldly leaders frequently have a “Do as I say, not as I do” mentality that carries over into their lives in general. They make their actions acceptable solely based on their position. A good example would be of parenting. As a parent, I tell my children that they cannot have sweets because it isn’t good for them and then I sit down, in front of them, and eat sweets. This is tricky because we tell ourselves that we are entitled now that we have ‘made it’ and we can eat what we want. In reality, we are telling others that we are better than they are and their feelings about that don’t matter.

To us, as Christians, we never want to ‘flaunt’ our privileges in front of our students or interns. We never want anyone to ‘stumble’ because of what we say, do or ingest. We must be mindful of others before thinking of ourselves and not fall prey to that sense of entitlement of position.

1 Cor 8:9: “But take care that this right of yours does not somehow become a stumbling block to the weak.”

Rom 14: 1-23: “As for the one who is weak in faith, welcome him, but not to quarrel over opinions. One person believes he may eat anything, while the weak person eats only vegetables. Let not the one who eats despise the one who abstains, and let not the one who abstains pass judgment on the one who eats, for God has welcomed him. Who are you to pass judgment on the servant of another? It is before his own master that he stands or falls. And he will be upheld, for the Lord is able to make him stand. One person esteems one day as better than another, while another esteems all days alike. Each one should be fully convinced in his own mind. ...

If we love others more than ourselves, our first thought is not how it affects us or how we feel about anything, it is how we can love this person next to us enough to help them heal from their brokenness and seek the Light.

Leaders also have a huge responsibility to those who are watching. It is a matter of integrity or not having any, really. Like a Chameleon we learn to take on a different persona depending on who we are talking with. To some extent, we all do this because it is part of relationships. We know that we need to talk to Jane more delicately than we do with John because we know their stories. Maybe Jane needs a softer approach and John prefers to be blunt and feels it is an insult to sugar coat anything. But the type of duplicity that I refer to is intentional deceit.

Duplicity, or posturing, is where people act in a way that is not normal for them just to please someone else. For example, one might behave in reverence to an authority figure and pretend to be exactly what the authority wants them to be, but is completely different with everyone else. In private, with family or with their closest friends, they revert to their true self. A good example might be the church goer who speaks softly and is filled with scripture while in church and talking to the pastor, but reigns with an iron fist and little love when at home.

Another pitfall of leadership is ingratiating. Have you ever seen employees in a work setting talking amongst themselves in a normal manner but as soon as the leader comes into the meeting, some completely change? They do what it takes to win the approval of the one in charge. Some will even jump up to get the authority figure coffee, not being concerned with serving anyone else. They offer special treatment and set the boss apart from everyone else. Respect for authority, in and of itself, is acceptable, but to the exclusion of others, it is not Christian. Unfortunately, the reason why ‘ingratiating ourselves to someone’ works is because those in authority like the perks and attention that it gets them and those ingratiating themselves like the favoritism bestowed upon them.

It is easy to be drawn into that sort of treatment but very necessary to stop the behavior immediately. We should never let it appear that, as someone in authority, we are better than anyone else in the room.  It wouldn’t work if the leader didn’t allow it and no one would do it if they didn’t know there is going to be benefits for it. If it is accepted and, even expected, it causes the great divide between people to become even wider.

Both duplicity and ingratiating is obvious to those who are watching and can completely undermine your position, integrity and trusted relationships. People who are duplicitous are seen as being untrustworthy because they lack sincerity. To lead, you must be neutral and loving to everyone, think of others before yourself and lead by serving, not by being served.

Remember part of my story at the beginning? We ALL have a story and most of us don’t know the FULL story. We are taking other people’s lives in our hands and trying to model for them, what Christ would want them to live like. To do that, we must be above reproach. We must live what we want them to live. We must walk the walk, so to speak and be the person that Christ called to this position. We set the example for them. Our willingness to serve the broken, keeping in mind their hidden stories, will help them along the way. We must lift them higher so that, they too, can grow to serve one day. We must remember that we are setting an example, good or bad, for everyone watching… but most importantly, the position entrusted to us can be taken away at God’s will if we fail to serve others above ourselves.

We deal in broken people. Easily swayed and dissuaded. The difference is, if I mess up out in the world, chances are my mistakes won’t lead to drug abuse and death. In this ministry, if I turn one of these little ones away by my bad example, they can lose their life.

Therefore, it is crucial that you, as a leader, understand the delicate balance of what you do and say.

Rom 15:1: “We who are strong have an obligation to bear with the failings of the weak, and not to please ourselves.”

Col 3:12-14: “Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.”

Eph 6:9: “⁹ And masters, treat your slaves in the same way. Do not threaten them, since you know that he who is both their Master and yours is in heaven, and there is no favoritism with him.”

2 Cor 1:3-4: “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.”