Free Will Kills

                                                                                                                                                

There is such a weight on my heart and soul that I must let it out.

I had allowed myself to hope that my 19-year-old granddaughter was finally ready to save herself from a life of addiction and misery. All she had to do was get to the airport and fly to California. We arranged it all. We didn’t think a lot about it when we drove the hour to San Jose. We just trusted that she would be there. It wasn’t unusual for her to ghost us. It happens quite frequently. (‘Ghosting,’ as I learned from one of our students, means that you go silent and stop texting because you need to get high or hide your guilt.)

Everyone at the women’s center was excited to finally meet her. They rallied around and play fought over who would talk to her and how they would love her. They encourage me with, “Go bring her home.” And that brought me to tears. My shoulders heaved as I allowed myself to surrender the doubt and fear of these many years. She will finally be getting the long-term Christ ordained help that will save her life in so many ways and bring her peace.

We just lost our 34-year-old son-in-law to addiction. He left behind a dedicated wife, our daughter, and two beautiful girls, 9 & 2. Then, the whole drive from California to Arizona I had a deep sense of grief and fear. Our grand-daughter was getting worse and unable to go from the house to the store without smoking pills or fentanyl or whatever she could get. We were hearing more and more about her and I just kept thinking, ‘I can’t do another funeral, Lord. Please not another one.”

She has been used and abused just to live this life. She was kicked from place to place and had no place to go. She swore she needed help and was ready to change her life. Her mom booked her a room and I her flight. She was taken to the airport in Phoenix, nervous and scared.

I know that you know where this is going but I have to get it out. It is a weight on my heart and a deep grieving for her life and soul.

One of my students is over crisis and she was so excited. She said that it was meant to be. I discipled her through her program and now she would take care of my granddaughter. She planned on sleeping next to her bed so that she could be there if she needed her. She knows how rough detoxing can be. She did it 16 months ago when she came in. In fact, she asked to go with us when we picked her up. It would be her first ‘rescue.’ That is what we call it when we go to bring someone in.

Well, we played dice until the plane arrived and anxiously awaited by the gate. There was almost no one in the airport due to the coronavirus. It was eerie to see the number of businesses closed down and the impact it had on travel. I have never experienced anything like this in my lifetime and though we read about the great depression, I wouldn’t have a detailed clue about how it was to survive that time in our history. But I do believe we are about to find out.

Five minutes turned to ten and ten to fifteen before we thought we should consider that she didn’t get on the plane. Southwest said she never got on. Only her luggage did. I wanted to believe that was a mistake. I asked if she was sure. My student took my arm gently and said, “No, they would know. If she isn’t listed as being on the plane, she didn’t get on.”

I was stoic and numb. My heart sank but I refused to cry. We are well aware of addict behavior. Come to find out, five hours later when she responded, that she had ‘got on the wrong flight and tried to change her flight. She got a voucher and was still in the airport. She still wanted to come.’ She sent me a picture of her voucher but it expired that day and she never bothered to get on another flight.

The two hours spent driving, the hotel, plane fare, the lies… none of it mattered. We would do it again if she said she was at the airport and was ready. We understand that what she is doing is normal addict behavior. One of these times she will mean it and we will be ready. ANYTHING to save her from the bondage of darkness that she is in. I would trade my life for her to live a long peaceful life with God and His people.

You know, people always love to say that God is faithful, and He is. I have seen miracles on a regular basis at the center and in my own life. He never ceases to amaze me. I trust God implicitly. But there is one factor that people forget. We have free will. Free will killed our son-in-law. Free will kills a lot of people. It almost seems to me that free will is the same as selling your soul when you have a choice between turning to God or staying in a dark dirty world.

Don’t believe me? Look at what is happening right now. If everyone were going about their business normally, we would have enough toilet paper, bleach and the like. After all, we been using it for centuries now. So why is it that all of a sudden there is a run on the things we need? If we were considerate, rational, trusting, ethical human beings, we would trust that the system won’t gouge us with outrageous prices for hand sanitizer or other much needed items. But we all know what the world is truly like and we have to prepare and hoard because we don’t trust anyone else to do the right damn thing! And guess what, they aren’t! Yes, I said a good old-fashioned righteous damn!

We turn from God, we kick Him out of schools, we stop praising Him and acknowledging Him in our homes and churches. We don’t thank Him for our meals, we don’t pray to Him at night. We don’t know our scripture and our kids don’t know God other than to say that He is up in Heaven with our loved ones. We are so ignorant to Him that people make up what they don’t know and misquote what they think they read!

We are filled with rudeness, sarcasm, vanity, greed, ego and all manner of nastiness not fit to be in His house. We don’t want Him around when we use our free will to go to bars, dance in strip clubs, watch porn, sell ourselves, murder the unborn, drink ourselves to oblivion, fill our lungs with smoke and destroy our world.

We don’t want Him in our homes because we want to watch our TV or spend hours on our phones or bloody games. We don’t let Him sit with us when we speak to our kids, our parents, our families and friends. We love to talk about tithe and build cathedrals, more buildings and drive better cars. We charge for ‘seminars’ about God instead of spreading the Word like the disciples did. We charge outrageous prices to be a minister every year when in fact, if you serve the Lord with your life, you just are! The rich get richer and the poor are still homeless. We sit in the pews but not in the streets where we are needed. We do not go out and take care of hurting families, share our food, our wealth, our time.

Corporate greed is normal and acceptable. Integrity is old fashioned. Ethics are overrated. We had normal rural quiet little towns with a few killings here and there. Now we have parents killing their babies and kids killing everyone. Rapists, thieves, molesters, murderers…

In our arrogance and free will we have forgotten the face of our Father and have taken what could be paradise and turned it into hell.

And here is my rant… we are so vile and filled with sin that we do not trust anyone to do the right thing. So, we don’t either. And therefore, I can’t find toilet paper on the shelves of the store I been going to for almost two years.

In our Teen Challenge we share everything we have. If I am just sitting around chatting about going to the store for something, anyone within earshot pulls me into the kitchen or truck and starts loading me up with things I didn’t ask for. They say, “We were blessed with it and by blessing you, we will be blessed again.” We have feminine items on the backs of every toilet. We give bags of food to the needy. We still feed the homeless every night at the men’s center. We do what we are called to do. No one goes without. And right now, we are struggling ourselves for food.

I would rather be where I am during this trying time, than anywhere else in the world. Why in the tarnation can’t she see she will be safer and happier with us for as long as she wants to stay?! Who would choose to go back into the world after living like this?

If anything good comes from this, when the food is scant and lives hang in the balance, more people will turn to God for hope. He is a God of miracles but you must be willing to surrender to Him. You can’t prance around with your free will making bad choices and hurting others and expect to be part of His army.

My hope is in Him. We are at peace, safe and serving Him. I fear her damn free will choices.