Last night, at 58 years old, I lay in bed trying to
sleep like I always do. There was nothing unusual about this night. Well… other
than being sick with another cold and having some heart problems of late that
hasn’t been diagnosed yet. I wasn’t
laying there trying to remember. I
was just doing what I always do at night. And yet, it felt like God was gifting
me with the memories that I had spent decades without. It wasn’t a punishment.
It was like He was saying, “You had far more good memories than bad and it is
time that you make them a part of who you are.” My first question to God was, “Is
this your way of telling me that I am going to die soon and you want me to have
them back before I go?” Obviously, I got no answer.
I always envied people who had a past and could
remember childhood friends and teachers and specifics about their lives. It
seems that whenever I moved away, I also moved on and lost touch. You could say
that I purposely seemed to cut ties. I look back now and wonder if I did that so
that I couldn’t be reminded of the bad that I had lived through or had done.
Anyways, as my mom used to say, I tried to position
myself to be able to breathe through one nostril, and a flood of childhood
memories came to me. I mean, not just a thought here and there. But my mind was
actually flying through them like high speed internet and almost all of them
were good memories. Imagine your mind skimming over 50 years of memories in a
single night! The ones that weren’t good memories were no longer painful but I
felt a sense of reflection as I cringed and repented for any part I may have had.
My mind flew through almost all of the names of children that I played with,
times that I spent the night at a friend’s house, wandering through the woods
alone to search for goose berries, admiring Maleta’s magnificent garden, catching
lightening bugs, sledding down the steep hill or swimming under the silver
bridge. Soooo many good memories…
I used to remember
my history. However, one day, due to poor choices and broken people, I was beat
so bad, for my past, that I blocked it out completely for my own protection.
Apparently, all of the good memories had to be blocked out with the bad. Funny
though… I could remember the beatings just fine. Then eventually, in my 30’s, I
could remember the damage done by my father as well. But almost all of the good things in my history seemed
to stay buried beneath the pain. I sunk to the bottom of despair and insecurity
like a weight in quicksand. It took me that long to realize that seven years
for me to realize that I was better off alone. I think I would have suffered
less had I had family and friends to bring me my parachute.
What a beautiful
thing to finally remember the names of the friends who were good and true; to
finally share in the family memories that didn’t bring back that unsafe feeling
that made me want to flee. I feel like scrooge waking from his dream! I want to
call everyone and tell them how great our time together was! When we close
ourselves off from our memories, good and bad, we rob ourselves of their
protection, in a way. You see, all those years, I had a black hole where
memories should be. Bad memories are a weight and darkness but good memories
are the parachute and light. Without the good ones, you sink into darkness
alone.
Later, as the memories of the father came back, and
I discovered his horrific reign of terror over my childhood friends, as well as
myself, I had no parachute to lift me out or light to calm the fear of the
darkness. I endured that shame alone because all of the names of my friends,
except his victims, were buried with the past. The few that I remembered stayed
safely behind the wall. I had become independent and safe… and yet, very alone.
Through my life, when I remembered something bad, I
had very little good to balance it with. I had no friends to call and talk to
about my pain. I remember one of my old and dear girlfriends calling me and
trying to tell me that we used to be best friends and were, in fact, blood
sisters. I had no recollection of it at all. She cried until I explained what
happened to me. Then she kindly gave me as much detail as possible so that it
could provide a tiny glimmer of recognition and then it felt true. Slowly, tiny
things bubbled to the surface and came to the light and I could recall some of
our time together. So bizarre. It was at that point that I tried to exercise my
mind and remember. I would work on names and would try to tie in memories… but
it seemed all I could recall was shame.
Psalm
107:14: He brought them out of darkness and the shadow
of death, and burst their bonds apart.
But you see, we aren’t just alone… we succumb to the
darkness that we wallow in. We sink deep into the damage and see ourselves only
through the muck and mire, not through God’s eyes. We justify our aloneness and
our darkness and our sins because we defy those that we feel left us there to rot.
When in reality, we gave up the struggle and allowed the darkness to envelop us
and take us to its depths.
1
John 2: 8-11:
At the same time, it is a new
commandment that I am writing to you, which is true in him and in you, because
the darkness is passing away and the true light is already shining. Whoever
says he is in the light and hates his brother is still in darkness. Whoever
loves his brother abides in the light, and in him there is no cause for
stumbling. But whoever hates his brother is in the darkness and walks in the
darkness, and does not know where he is going, because the darkness has blinded
his eyes.
I think that when bad happens, it is important to
stand strong and battle through it for our own sake. It gives us power to know
that we survived. But I also think that we need to trust our network of
childhood friends and family, who truly love us, so that, no matter what, we are
reminded of the person who God meant us to be. Our loved ones become the voice
of reason, the lamp of God’s light in the darkness; they can remind us who we
really are and not allow us to define ourselves by what has happened to us in
the dark periods of our lives. They hold the lamp that illuminates our lives
despite the spots of darkness in them.
John 1:5:The light shines in the darkness, and the
darkness has not overcome it.
I missed out on so very much in my life, by not
having my family and friends when I needed them most… or by allowing myself to spiral
out of control and maintain that wounded dog mentality, and by shutting my
loved ones out by my lack of memory, behavior, actions or inactions because it
was easier to face it alone than try to explain.
John 11:10: But if anyone walks in the night, he stumbles,
because the light is not in him.”
God meant us to be a community of believers who
stand together, not alone; who hold each other accountable with grace,
forgiveness and the strength and power of love. It binds our wounds and allows
us to scar over and become the warriors of light that we should have been all
along.
Ecc
4:9-12: Two are better than one, because they have a
good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But
woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up!
Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone?
And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand
him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken.
Don’t do it alone. Don’t
walk in the darkness. Don’t give up the struggle and allow yourself to sink
down into the darkness with them. Swallow your pride, grab the hand of a loved
one or even a stranger and shed light on your plight! God never meant us to
waste our lives alone and guarded. We are to be free and loved and cherish the
gift of life that Jesus died for!
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