Better to Receive?

            

Today, my husband was in line at the grocery store unloading his cart, while I made my way to him through the line. Apparently, he began to talk about his coffee purchase to the woman behind him without looking up to see that it wasn’t me. They laughed as I pulled up with our second grocery cart and edged passed her. She told me about my husband’s humorous conversation with her and that she responded, “I would be happy to be your wife if you have the right checkbook.” To which I laughed and said to her, “Well, you won’t be happy with it. Neither of us for money. We are missionaries.”

(Now, you must understand that this was the easiest and quickest way for me to explain what we are and do. We volunteer to make life easier for those that serve God, as we also serve the mission that He has called us to. The word sounds so odd when applied to us, but it is reality.)

Anyway… she immediately insisted that she pay for our groceries and, even impatiently, had no more time to listen to our quest or see the pictures of the bus because unbeknownst to my husband, she had offered to pay for the groceries and I did not act fast enough to tell him this so he was already paying. She was exasperated at me and the whole thing was a little confusing and comical. She was so upset that I had said, “Oh, no, that is very kind of you but not necessary.” This woman was upset as if I intentionally didn’t tell Tom that she wanted to pay. But really, I was as surprised as she, if not more because he almost always moves aside and lets me pay at the debit machine.

2 Cor. 9:7: “Each one must give as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.”

Now here is the thing, we could have used that help. We only get a half retirement from my state job, which isn’t enough to get us through considering all of the expenses and costs. We haven’t worked for pay in several months but have been using our savings. (Which we are blessed to have saved.)

We continued to purchase materials to complete the inside of the bus, which is now almost done. We bought bus tires for an arm and a leg though we got a great deal. We had to sell our car, trailer and bike for less than they were worth to purchase a towable car. (Which has a funny rubber smell in the engine and burns a quart every 700 miles) We bought the equipment to tow the car behind the bus.

We are in the process of trying to rent our house in Casa Grande so that we do not have that financial burden. (An investment and a blessing even if we aren’t living there.) We still need to paint the outside of the bus before we go to other states. We must paint it ourselves, due to the cost ($10,000), which also will take major man hours and money to buy a decent sprayer and materials. (Have I said that we are old but not old enough for real retirement? When God calls, you listen.) We still live and sleep in our bus in preparation for the next mission trip to Oregon. (We will again be ministering and being maintenance for a Christian non-profit there, as well as me taking on another volunteer job for another non-profit for children that needs excel help.)

So far we are blessed to not have had to pay for camping in the bus, thanks to dispersed free camping, a swap meet property and a friend’s driveway.)

So here is the thing… I thought about this after our encounter with this lovely woman. Even if I should say yes, how do I humbly say yes to such an offer without feeling poor or too prideful? I always tell my kids, when I try to give them help, that they are stealing my blessing. Plus I bully them with guilt and I win. But this is different. Isn’t it?

God may have sent her to us in that moment to help and I declined. God may have wanted her to learn or feel something from that transaction and I blocked it. God may have wanted me to learn something about that moment and I missed it… or did I?

Prov. 19:17: “Whoever is generous to the poor lends to the Lord, and he will repay him for his deed.”

James 1:17: “Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.”

I think I found something else that I am not good at. I am not good at humbling myself to accept charity. I don’t have the mind set. I don’t know the words. I wouldn’t have a clue how to do that and feel okay with it and yet, God does send others to help us. I think if I were really hurting, I would probably say yes. If I were doing it for others in need, I wouldn’t hesitate. So, in this way, I must figure out a way to simply allow others to help.

Needless to say, she insisted on an address to send a check, which I do not have. All I could do is give her my “The Bus of Hope” business card and a hug. She didn’t care about that. I think I offended her. And now my heart is heavy.

Things that aren’t… Updated

   

I was driving late at night from Maricopa, Arizona up into the mountains to Taylor to surprise my husband who didn’t expect me until the next day. He had told me that night time was the worst for him and our girls. (Three Chihuahuas that we take everywhere.)  I spent the time listening to worship songs when the radio would come in. The rest of the time I was praising God out loud, because I could, for my daughter’s sobriety from opiate addiction and all of the blessings that he has given me, the beauty of the drive coming down, the people and things that I have had the pleasure of knowing and working with so far. I thanked God for all of the things that He has done and the so many more things that He did that went unseen. This was a loooong conversation.

At one point, I could not get my car to go more than 60 miles an hour up this hill. My car is a beast. It can take any hill and terrain like a champ. It is a Kia Sportage and the best of its 4wd kind. It does not wimp out at hills. Why, going down the hill it was loaded with an old maple desk weighing 100 lbs easy and a bunch of other stuff that we had driven everywhere with because it was easier than loading and unloading it. Why wouldn’t it speed up? It was late at night. I hate to drive in the dark. But I just gave up and settled in at that speed.

I continued my conversation with God. I thanked Him for all of the little things that we do not know that He does for us behind the scenes. The things that aren’t. I naturally can’t give you examples because they didn’t happen. But let me give it some thought…

As I was nearing Payson, I came around a corner at about 65 miles per hour and saw two cars pulled over to the right side of the road. In a split second decision, as is our law, I moved to the fast left lane so as not to endanger them. Little did I realize in that instant, that I just made a critical error. I endangered myself. I immediately saw a huge elk lying in the middle of the left lane that I had changed to. I swerved right to avoid it but ran over its massive head with a huge THUMP THUMP of my wheels. Naturally my heart was racing. In that moment as I passed the cars that had pulled over I saw the front end damage to the first one. It had just happened! I just kept repeating the same phrase, “Oh my God, Oh my God!” Yes, indeed. Oh my God. This is one of those things that seem like it is but it isn’t. This is a ‘thing that aren’t.’ J I could have hit its body! I could have had a flat, car damage, a collision, or worse! Nothing. My beast of a car just kept on going.

I could have been the one. I could have smashed my only car up by hitting that elk. I could be stranded at 8:00 pm in the dark, off the side of the road, or worse. But GOD… Remember that hill that I couldn’t seem to conquer earlier in the trip? If I had been able to speed it up to 65 or so, I may have hit the elk! My husband and I are volunteers with no current income, just our savings. We are trying to rent our home in Casa Grande and continue to our next volunteer place. We can’t commit until the house is rented. We have to be frugal to afford this volunteer lifestyle. Smashing our only car would not be frugal.

2 Corinthians 4:17-18: “For our light and temporary affliction is producing for us an eternal glory that far outweighs our troubles. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary but what is unseen is eternal.”

My daughter dying of an overdose would not be good. After years of opiate addiction, she finally broke free. The ‘thing that wasn’t’ for her would be the loss of her house, her kids, her life… someone else’s life. But God allowed her to lose her job (unjust reason by the way) and gave her the insight to go to detox in her ‘free time.’ He had been compelling her to do it, but she had a job and responsibilities. So when she lost her job. A new door was opened. She knew what He was telling her to do. What seemed like one thing was really for another. She obeyed and is more than two weeks free of bondage!

Years ago, I was compelled to report certain things in my job. I knew what God wanted me to do. I knew the right thing to do to affect change and make things better for everyone equally. But, in truth, I loved the position, money and the security, so I let someone, a Christian, talk me out of reporting. I was too honest about my concerns and said so on a few occasion. I should have reported things, first, like God compelled me to but I didn’t. Instead of being the hunter, I become the hunted. I chose to retire early rather than let them ruin me. I was devastated that people could betray others to that extreme. I was broken, but God meant it for my good. He wanted me out of there. He told me to leave and to report and I didn’t. So naturally, the inevitable in this dark world happened. Praise the Lord because it changed the course of my life for better, not for worse.

Psalm 140:4: “Keep me safe Lord from the hands of the wicked; protect me from the violent, who devise ways to trip my feet.”

I had a friend years ago who told me of a time that she was jogging. She was a boxer in training and always ran at night with ear buds in so that she could listen to music. (Not a good thing to do.) One night, she was running hard and had a feeling that someone was watching her. Nothing triggered her instinct, but she just felt it. She decided to cross the street and run there. As she did, she looked back and saw a man come out of the bushes that she was going to run past. She was filled with fear and ran harder as she watched him. But he did something strange. He looked at her in that instant and ran the other way. She never understood that, but her decision to cross the street may have played a part.

Psalm 32:8: “I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my loving eye on you.”

My husband and I are waiting for direction on where to go next in our service to God. All of the unforeseen circumstances that have occurred are delaying our trip and causing us confusion. Our renter changed her mind twice, our bus needed to be finished inside, we need to paint the outside (ourselves) before we drive it in other states… but one thing just happened that has us in limbo.

I have squamous cancer cells again. I was supposed to go get checked in a couple of areas related to my last cancer surgery but didn’t. I just didn’t have time. I have had 20 or so potential basil or squamous cancers that have been frozen. I have had four surgeries, three of which were squamous cells, one rather deep and one of those rather intricate in placement. I have been having issues in the intricate area and what seems like minor changes in skin here and there that indicate that I have more cancer cells, but I chose to ignore it. I always tell God that if He needs me to go to the doctor, He has to hit me with a brick.

James 1: 5-6: “If any of you lack wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like the wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.”

When we moved to New Mexico, we couldn’t get our health insurance changed over. I knew then, only months later, that I needed to go in again to have some removed. In order to go to the doctor, we have to go to Flagstaff.  It isn’t convenient or cheap and it is cold there now. Because of our rental house, we ended up in Taylor AZ only two hours away. Hmmmm So then, about two months or so ago, I get this red mark on my chest. When I lay on my side it feels like it is stabbing me. I have been hoping I got a sticker from hiking. My husband looked with a magnifier and said it was time to go to the cancer doctor again. There’s my brick. That I cannot ignore, right?

This again changes the course of our journey and delays it. I can’t wait to see for what purpose. I do have faith.

I have an appointment for the primary care physician on the 8^th. On the 10^th, we have to go to Casa Grande to ready the house and give tours until it is rented. We should be back to Taylor by the 24^th (?) to go to the specialists by ???? This is uncertain. We plan and God laughs, right? Just pray for my health and our direction as we trust in Him to provide.

Proverbs 16:9: “In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.”

The things that are unseen, the things that aren’t because God steps in and slows time, or compels you to act or not to act or puts people in your life for a reason…. If all those things that we see, and are blessed with, are to be praised, so are those millions of times that things never happen… things that aren’t. The angel warriors that battle for us, the times that God compels us, or our cars are slowed down, or we lose our jobs, or we change our direction for no apparent reason, things look one way, but are truly the other. Never doubt that His good will is at work in your life when you are living in His good grace and mercy. We must praise Him for all that is seen and things that aren’t seen because we can be assured that He is at work.

Psalm 48:14: “For this God is our God for ever and ever; He will be our guide even to the end.”

2/15/19 Update: My husband and I decided on Oregon Teen Challenge. We were going back and forth about it when we decided to spent time with our kids in Black Canyon city before we commit to far away. We needed an answer from them about the power pole first. 

Literally, the last day of our time with our family, Teen Challenge Monterey Bay emailed. Now, I never look at email, and I never look over my spam folder. I just delete it. But this day, 30 minutes after it was sent to me, I read TCMB's email and immediately gave him my number. Less than an hour, we made plans to go visit the very first Teen Challenge that we had contacted back in May when our journey began.

When we pulled up to the Rescue Mission on Railroad Avenue, aptly named, my human instinct was... where will we park the bus, how will we sleep near the tracks, is this a safe neighborhood, this may not work out so well. But led by the Spirit, we interviewed with the Executive Director and Program director and a student and fell in love with the mission of true mission of love. We were volunteers serving temporarily and they asked for a long term commitment. And I had just written about how hard it is to be on the road, disconnected and adrift.

While contemplating our lives and when to contact Oregon, it turns out their limitations on how long we could stay made the trip there too costly. We felt that our decision was confirmed by God. And we serve along side TCMB now, long term, in California in one of the most loving environments ever. We serve a homeless shelter, discipleship program for the broken and a place where people follow the Spirit of God.

Once again, a wrong turn, one delay or two and God put us where we are supposed to be, not where we were going. How amazing is that?