A Fracture for a Fracture: Or, How to See a Wound

What if we were wounded for every wound that we inflict? The bible says, Lev: 24: 19-20: “¹⁹ Anyone who injures their neighbor is to be injured in the same manner: ²⁰ fracture for fracture, eye for eye, tooth for tooth. The one who has inflicted the injury must suffer the same injury.”

What if the wounds that we inflict were also gifted upon us? If we could feel what hurt or frustration that we cause others, whether it be physical, emotional, verbal, sexual or even spiritual, what would that look and feel like to us? The things we say and do; the things that we fail to say and do, to and for others, is not an insignificant thing in our souls but especially for THEIR souls. If we were able to feel it all for them, for the lives we affect, the pain we cause… if we felt it like they do and it affects our souls like it does theirs… would it help us to see what damage we do to our loved ones, our parents, our siblings, our children, our friends, even our enemies… Would we start to think before we act or speak?

We are so instinctive in our reactions and actions and, yes, our inactions, that there is no measure to the damage that we probably do without even being aware. So many people have wounds that we do not see. Deep wounds that with the slightest provocation, throb and bleed all over again with just one wrong word, a failed word of encouragement. These are the secrets of their souls and we are not privy to them. Not knowing or seeing their wounds makes us ignorant and ill prepared for words at all.

One of my favorite quotes, and I have likely said so before, is by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow: “If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find in each man's life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility.”

This has stuck with me for literally decades now. Nothing describes the hidden wounds of others in so few words as this. If we could simply keep this written on our hearts, we could each help change the world a little at a time. If only we could feel what pain they feel, what pain that we add to their burdens. I don’t mean to imply that we deserve the worst of what we cause others for those wounds that we do not intend to cause out of our own ignorance and small frame of reference. But the things that we do or fail to do that are intentional, these things…should we suffer for these?

I am reminded of a movie where a woman speaks about how her abusive husband was killing her slowly, day by day with his physical and emotional abuse. She talked about how she could take the physical abuse but that, by his actions and words, he would demoralize and demean her every day. He would neglect her needs, betray his vows, ignore her, dismiss her, berate and belittle her thoughts and actions until she felt that she would die from just not being able to be. Her hope and desire to live were diminished to almost nothing. You see, even if he never laid a hand on her, he was killing her soul, her hope, her very being by what he said to her, about her and how he said nothing at all encouraging or to lift her up.

The bible asks us to: Eph 4:31-32: “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”

And then, my favorite scripture: Mat 5:43-48:  “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor^[a] and hate your enemy.’ ⁴⁴ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, ⁴⁵ that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. ⁴⁶ If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? ⁴⁷ And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? ⁴⁸ Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.”

We must realize that in every relationship we hold from the most intimate to the very distant, we are, as Christians, ambassadors for Christ. That comes with some heavy duty responsibilities that frankly, we are unfit to handle. In most of us, we can fulfill obligations by going through the motions, but the real task is what our hearts and minds feel and think about it all.

It seems that half the time we don’t even acknowledge our true feelings or motives in most of what we do. Yet, as humans, we are indignant, demanding, opinionated, negative, frustrated and all manner of ill-willed emotion that we have no right to hurl at others. We wound them with our snubs, gossip, inconsideration, sarcasm, rudeness, and our anger. We violate their right to be treated with loving kindness, especially those closest to us, by such offenses as disrespecting their opinion, violating our vows by flirtation and sexual provocation, adultery, dishonesty and withholding of affection and they need our love and encouragement so very much to survive.

What about the inactions and negligence of simply being ignored, ostracized, not taking care of those that are in our care, or worse, doing so with irritation and anger? Our spouses, our children, our families… they have a right to expect good things from us just on the basis of the commitments that we made to them in the creation of the relationship alone. Not to mention the vows that we made to our loved ones, the children that God gave us, our parents, who bore us and raised us as best that they could with what they knew, our friends that we love and may never know the wounds that they carry.

As mere humans, how can we possibly expect to behave better than we do now? Well, we do have tools but we rarely think about the scriptures when we speak or react to others. We stumble at best. We are imperfect, impulsive and selfish at our very core. I am not saying that we are all bad and there is no good in us. But apart from Christ, that tends to be true. Just take a look at the one scripture that defines most of us. Rom 7:15-25: “15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do, I do not do. But what I hate, I do. 16And if I do what I do not desire, I admit that the Law is good. 17In that case, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

18I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my flesh; for I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.19For I do not do the good I want to do. Instead, I keep on doing the evil I do not want to do. 20And if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

21So this is the principle I have discovered: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 22For in my inner being I delight in God’s Law. 23But I see another law at work in my body, warring against the law of my mind and holding me captive to the law of sin that dwells within me. 24What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? 25Thanks be to God, through Jesus Christ our Lord!

Boy, is that me in a nut shell! But that last line, “Thanks be to God, through Jesus Christ our Lord!” THAT is the key. It isn’t in you or I to be perfect as Christ was perfect. And for you that have not come to faith yet, you must realize the truth so that the biggest lie cannot hurt us any longer. The mistaken mentality, the Big Lie about Christians is that we have it all together and we never struggle to do right or good. I don’t care how long you have been a believer or what position that you hold in the church, synagogue or fill in the blank, we are just as flawed as the day that we converted, with one big difference. We do struggle against the flesh just like anyone else. But we understand where that battle is happening and who gets the glory for our successes. It sure isn’t us. We are called to live better than we are able to do on our own because we believe. The only difference between the world and us is what we believe. Period. We read His Word and because of this, we know where our power comes from. We do our utmost to follow His Word and when we can’t, we pray for His strength, His help. As humans, we need that help just as the disciples did in Christ’s time.

This is what we are called to do. We do not have to do it alone. Christ died for all of our sins in the past, the present and future, knowing how cruel and sinful that all of us can be, (consider all manner of lawlessness and evil in this world today) then how can we not show compassion to others? It is His will that once we are saved by faith, repent and are forgiven, that we should change who were are as best we can, by His prompting of course. What is best of all, we do not do it alone, but with His power and strength.

1 Cor 10:13: “13No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide an escape, so that you can stand up under it.”

So, with this in mind… be grateful that we do not feel the pain that we cause others. Be especially grateful that we are forgiven by Christ’s death on the cross for our sins and made new by our faith in Him. But make no mistake, once we are saved, we should be living as the bible asks us to live and not still living in the flesh. That means that every word or action should be governed not by our flesh and ignorant responses, but by our faith and the power of His will. The price of salvation is paid, but the vine should still produce good fruit. (That is for another story. J) Or… you can start to read the bible yourself and see what I mean. 

THE TRUTH ABOUT WOUNDS

Wounded warriors don't sulk and whimper. Wounded warriors flaunt, they boast, they control, they disengage, they are louder, more rebellious, they yell, they swear, they sin ... they do and say things that protect them from the world, from you… they wear disguises meant to keep you at a safe distance. The more broken they are, the harder they appear to be.

The thing that comes immediately to my mind are teenagers. They are best at exuding this type of behavior. They are still in the learning phase of life anyway and they are not very good at hiding what they have learned because it is all that they know. As they get older they add polish or shine to their act, or perhaps they add bricks and mortar to their wall, but, as they are, they have not learned to disguise it very well.

Hurt them, and their bristles go up, like a porcupine. Cause them fear and they spray you with harsh words and attitude, like a skunk. You would assume from their reaction that they are not worth your time. Who wants to know or deal with someone like that?!

Just like with any of us, communication is difficult, especially for the wounded. Communication can be stunted by having lived with the wrong example of what communication should be… lack of experience. Whatever damage they witnessed growing up, becomes a curse to them as well. Like all of us, they emulate what they see and are limited by their experience. Unfortunately, we see others through our eyes and our experiences so we just don’t understand how they learned to fill in the blank so poorly. You mimic what you see in childhood, or you become the complete opposite.

It is like that commercial on tv about the kids mimicking the parents they love. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OOhGmaJt5kE

Children take their patterns of behavior, physical reactions and style of communication from their family life and transpose that into their adult relationships. If they were the victim of verbal, emotional, physical or sexual abuse, those wounds and the self preservation created from that, become deeply embedded into who they are and they may not even realize it. They dress their wounds in ego and humor and bravado but it is still just a stunted adult with battle scars. It's still just a defense mechanism.

When we see someone wearing these disguises; when we are put off by someone and would rather not associate with them or deal with them, dig deeper. We must see past the false front into the wounds which lie beneath. We may NEVER know that there is a wound. If we got close to them and were able to get to know them well enough to ask, they may never admit it. But think about it: There HAS to be wounds, poor examples, lack of love, nurturing, support, respect… for someone to be so broken, don’t you think? Of course you do.

What do you do when you are attacked or exposed to someone who reacts so defiantly and perhaps even to you when you meant well? You immediately view them through the eyes of love and compassion. It won’t always be easy. We are human after all. But take a breath and pray for them. Soften your words and change your tact…or walk away, but pray for them just the same.