The Sliver

12-6-16                

Two halves don’t always make a whole. It is a logical theory that sounds good but isn’t always true. We use the term ‘whole’ to mean many things in many situations. I ate the whole thing. I don’t feel whole anymore. That bread is no wholesome. But the whole I am referring to is relational. You can’t have a relationship without two wholes.

When you start out, the ‘whole’ dating thing, typically you are giving it your all. This implies that you are giving it your whole self; you put your best foot forward; you put every effort into seeing where it is going to go. Once you decide that it is a good relationship, one that you wish to continue indefinitely, you are truly full of enthusiasm, affection, consideration… you can hardly think of anything else. Your family and friends and other relationships take a back seat… in fact, it can even affect your work, because all you want to do is to be with that person. That person consumes your thoughts and feelings. In fact, you are so full of “it” that it exudes from your every pore. By “it” I mean that the “it” is the desire to be one with this person, to be one ‘whole’ entity within yourselves; to unite as one.

This kind of relationship excludes all else. You set aside the old ways of dating others and flirting for attention. This relationship now feeds your need for love and affection, your need for feeling attractive and sexy; your identity is wrapped up in this relationship. There is a bond, a commitment, an agreement, a trust that is made between two people who find this type of love. The agreement says that once we call ourselves one, ‘Therefore, what God has joined together, let no one separate.’ [Mark 10:9] In other words, you have no desire to let someone else fill a space in your heart and take from your loved one what you committed to her/him.

But one day, life happens. There before you is someone who draws   your eye, just for a moment. You find yourself looking longer than you should at someone else. You tell yourself that it is just looking. After all, there is no harm in just looking. What is that old saying? “You can look but you can’t touch.”

Meanwhile, at home, you feel funny when the name is mentioned. But no worries, it is innocent, after all. You think about the person from time to time but it isn’t a big deal. You do the same for your friends. Your home life has always been great but your loved one is always asking you if you can pick up after yourself, keep the house a little cleaner or some other menial task you don’t even notice. They come home, jump into their favorite sweats and is always asking you about your day. ‘Why don’t they try to look good to you anymore? I know that I said that I love you just the way you are, but I didn’t mean for you to look that way every day.’

Your loved one, however, has no idea that you feel that way now… or why. All they can do is respond as best they know how and try to find out what is wrong. They blindly go about their life with you thinking it is as it should be.

There is a sliver, just a sliver, that has pricked the surface of your skin and found its way in. You aren’t bothered by it, so  you don’t remove it.

Eventually, since you see this other person so much, you can’t help thinking that they are funny and cool. Maybe because they say and do just the right things to make you laugh or feel good about yourself. They even flirt a little because it is just who they are. They don’t mean anything by it. It is innocent banter between friends. It doesn’t mean anything. Here you are laughing and talking, she touches your arm and says something not even that funny… but you throw back your head and laugh, your smile filled with joy. Something you rarely do at home. You have a new spring to your step. And the comparisons start.

  

You come home and it is always the same thing. Cooking, cleaning and the same old talk, same routine. You both have become so busy that you make conversation. They don’t make an effort to fill you with flirty conversation and humor. They just are who they are.  You still have the “I love you” and “I miss you” and you are affectionate enough when you want or need to be but it just doesn’t have the same affect any more. It doesn’t take a lot of effort or wordplay that it once did. No romance or anything. You have too much going on in your lives to bother with that. Then you think, “Why can’t they be more like______?” The whole thing is just a chore. There is a bit of anxiety over your guilt. And in some small fashion, your passion for your loved one is fading and they feel it.

Your loved one notices how you seem disinterested and easily irritated with even the little things. You have started to withdraw from your normal loving conversations. You don’t have anything romantic to offer. Talking is more of an irritation. ‘Why do they always ask what is wrong?! Nothing is wrong. I am the same person that I have always been. The problem is you?!’ Your loved one isn’t stupid and now they are dejected and hurt. When questions and attempts at being close seem pointless, they begin to distance themselves for protection of the heart.

That sliver under the skin is more than a minor distraction. It is your focus. It has now disappeared under the skin. You would be hard pressed to remove it. It is entering the blood stream almost undetectable, but just enough to feel. You have allowed it a space and it is taking more than enough of your attention. And still,  you keep it there.

You have a pang of interest and even a little anticipation at the thought of striking up another conversation with this new friend. You make excuses to go hang out in their area. You chat it up, you flirt back. You love the way it feels when they flirt with you and build you up. No harm done. You haven’t done anything wrong. It is just words. “I know when to stop”, you say. You have crossed the line. You are being deceptive with your loved one and dishonoring the relationship. If your loved one ever saw how you behave with other people, it would break their heart. You would never say or do the same thing if they were present. You know it but you lie anyway. You are too much of a coward to admit it. You want to be who you are and you can’t with your loved one, so what?!

By now, you just don’t have the time for wordplay at home. You know, the normal loving conversations you used to have, the hugs for no reason, cuddling in bed, speaking words of endearment or affection. After all, they should know that you love them. You wouldn’t be here if you didn’t. You have little patience for the normal routine and no desire to fix what is broken. Why are they always bugging you about having more time together?! You are together every day, what more do they want? And why the endless questions about what is wrong? I am perfectly fine and just the way that I have always been! They even suspect that you are spending your time and attention elsewhere but they don’t need to know that. It has nothing to do with us. Why are they so paranoid and insecure?

Your loved one is now to the point of insecurity. Something is wrong and, depending on their level of intuition, they search for answers, solutions and use everything they can to figure out why you aren’t the same loving person anymore except with everyone else.  They are becoming resentful for having to hang in there alone. Broken because they have changed their lives to be with someone who acts as if they aren’t important any more, except when it serves you. Now there is a gap the size of the canyon between you but they just don’t have the answer. They ask for attention, they ask for love, they ask for your patience and normalcy and you tell them that you are being normal. They begin to shut down.

You are officially cheating. I venture to say that it started before now. It started with the first inappropriate response to the other person. What started out as a little sliver not meant to harm anyone, has invaded your system, your thoughts, your actions and your heart to the point that you have no idea what side is up. That sliver has smothered the love in your heart for the one that you are committed to. That sliver of darkness doesn’t wait for direction; you simply allow it whatever space it needs. You are in bondage because you did not have the sense or integrity to uphold the simplest and most sacred of commitments in your life.

You just can’t get enough of this attention. You want to go where you ‘are appreciated.’ And there it is… a glimmer of the truth. You can’t get enough. You continue to seek it out. And at what point do either of you think it is too much? And by the time too much happens, in your loved one’s eyes, you have no excuse. It never should have gone that far. But you let it because it was harmless and it felt good. You led the other person into it like a well laid trap so you can’t play victim when it goes ‘too far.’ You are never innocent when it goes too far because too far is at the end of that opportunity to do the right thing, not at the beginning where you should have made better choices.

Do you seriously think that something so seemingly harmless is truly so? You open that door even a sliver and satan will push his way right in. He got you to open your eyes to something new. He convinced you it is okay to share your wordplay with another person outside your home. He got you to sneak around like a fool thinking that it isn’t harming anyone and ‘man, does it feel good!’ And you walk around hiding who you really are to the one person that you promised your life to. Hmmmm. I have a question for you slick. Does that sound like innocence to you, because it is pure sin. Where on this dark earth, or in your vows, did you read that it is okay to lust after someone else to fill your ego? I have another one for you: “And if your eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to have one eye and enter life than have two eyes and be thrown into the fire of hell.” [Matthew 18:9]

While you are being totally self absorbed and spending all of your quality words and time on someone else, that sliver is infecting the committed relationship that you were once so proud of. And if you haven’t driven them to finding their peace in someone else, then chances are, though they have more integrity in themselves than you do, your relationship won’t last much longer. You may twist it and deny it and play innocent, but in reality, you didn’t have the integrity that it took to commit yourself to one person. You tempted fate with a sliver and ended up with a log between you in the marriage bed. Better get right now and change your ways because all sin is brought to light.

“For it is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. But everything exposed by the light becomes visible, for everything that is illuminated becomes a light itself. So it is said: “Wake up, O sleeper, rise up from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.”…” [Ephesians 5:12-14]