12-6-16
Two halves don’t always make a whole. It is a logical theory
that sounds good but isn’t always true. We use the term ‘whole’ to mean many
things in many situations. I ate the whole thing. I don’t feel whole anymore.
That bread is no wholesome. But the whole I am referring to is relational. You
can’t have a relationship without two wholes.
When you start out, the ‘whole’ dating thing, typically you
are giving it your all. This implies that you are giving it your whole self;
you put your best foot forward; you put every effort into seeing where it is
going to go. Once you decide that it is a good relationship, one that you wish
to continue indefinitely, you are truly full of enthusiasm, affection,
consideration… you can hardly think of anything else. Your family and friends
and other relationships take a back seat… in fact, it can even affect your
work, because all you want to do is to be with that person. That person
consumes your thoughts and feelings. In fact, you are so full of “it” that it
exudes from your every pore. By “it” I mean that the “it” is the desire to be
one with this person, to be one ‘whole’ entity within yourselves; to unite as
one.
This kind of relationship excludes all else. You set aside
the old ways of dating others and flirting for attention. This relationship now
feeds your need for love and affection, your need for feeling attractive and
sexy; your identity is wrapped up in this relationship. There is a bond, a commitment,
an agreement, a trust that is made between two people who find this type of
love. The agreement says that once we call ourselves one, ‘Therefore, what God
has joined together, let no one separate.’ [Mark 10:9] In other words, you have
no desire to let someone else fill a space in your heart and take from your
loved one what you committed to her/him.
But one day, life happens. There before you is someone who
draws your eye, just for a moment. You
find yourself looking longer than you should at someone else. You tell yourself
that it is just looking. After all, there is no harm in just looking. What is
that old saying? “You can look but you can’t touch.”
Meanwhile, at home, you
feel funny when the name is mentioned. But no worries, it is innocent, after
all. You think about the person from time to time but it isn’t a big deal. You do
the same for your friends. Your home life has always been great but your loved
one is always asking you if you can pick up after yourself, keep the house a
little cleaner or some other menial task you don’t even notice. They come home,
jump into their favorite sweats and is always asking you about your day. ‘Why
don’t they try to look good to you anymore? I know that I said that I love you
just the way you are, but I didn’t mean for you to look that way every day.’
Your loved one, however, has no
idea that you feel that way now… or why. All they can do is respond as best
they know how and try to find out what is wrong. They blindly go about their
life with you thinking it is as it should be.
There is a sliver,
just a sliver, that has pricked the surface of your skin and found its way in.
You aren’t bothered by it, so you don’t
remove it.
Eventually, since you see this other person so much, you can’t
help thinking that they are funny and cool. Maybe because they say and do just
the right things to make you laugh or feel good about yourself. They even flirt
a little because it is just who they are. They don’t mean anything by it. It is
innocent banter between friends. It doesn’t mean anything. Here you are
laughing and talking, she touches your arm and says something not even that
funny… but you throw back your head and laugh, your smile filled with joy. Something
you rarely do at home. You have a new spring to your step. And the comparisons
start.
You come home and it
is always the same thing. Cooking, cleaning and the same old talk, same routine.
You both have become so busy that you make conversation. They don’t make an
effort to fill you with flirty conversation and humor. They just are who they
are. You still have the “I love you” and
“I miss you” and you are affectionate enough when you want or need to be but it
just doesn’t have the same affect any more. It doesn’t take a lot of effort or
wordplay that it once did. No romance or anything. You have too much going on
in your lives to bother with that. Then you think, “Why can’t they be more
like______?” The whole thing is just a chore. There is a bit of anxiety over
your guilt. And in some small fashion, your passion for your loved one is
fading and they feel it.
Your loved one notices how you
seem disinterested and easily irritated with even the little things. You have
started to withdraw from your normal loving conversations. You don’t have
anything romantic to offer. Talking is more of an irritation. ‘Why do they
always ask what is wrong?! Nothing is wrong. I am the same person that I have
always been. The problem is you?!’ Your loved one isn’t stupid and now they are
dejected and hurt. When questions and attempts at being close seem pointless,
they begin to distance themselves for protection of the heart.
That sliver under the
skin is more than a minor distraction. It is your focus. It has now disappeared
under the skin. You would be hard pressed to remove it. It is entering the
blood stream almost undetectable, but just enough to feel. You have allowed it
a space and it is taking more than enough of your attention. And still, you keep it there.
You have a pang of interest and even a little anticipation
at the thought of striking up another conversation with this new friend. You
make excuses to go hang out in their area. You chat it up, you flirt back. You
love the way it feels when they flirt with you and build you up. No harm done.
You haven’t done anything wrong. It is just words. “I know when to stop”, you
say. You have crossed the line. You are being deceptive with your loved one and
dishonoring the relationship. If your loved one ever saw how you behave with
other people, it would break their heart. You would never say or do the same
thing if they were present. You know it but you lie anyway. You are too much of
a coward to admit it. You want to be who you are and you can’t with your loved
one, so what?!
By now, you just don’t
have the time for wordplay at home. You know, the normal loving conversations
you used to have, the hugs for no reason, cuddling in bed, speaking words of
endearment or affection. After all, they should know that you love them. You wouldn’t
be here if you didn’t. You have little patience for the normal routine and no
desire to fix what is broken. Why are they always bugging you about having more
time together?! You are together every day, what more do they want? And why the
endless questions about what is wrong? I am perfectly fine and just the way
that I have always been! They even suspect that you are spending your time and
attention elsewhere but they don’t need to know that. It has nothing to do with
us. Why are they so paranoid and insecure?
Your loved one is now to the
point of insecurity. Something is wrong and, depending on their level of
intuition, they search for answers, solutions and use everything they can to
figure out why you aren’t the same loving person anymore except with everyone
else. They are becoming resentful for
having to hang in there alone. Broken because they have changed their lives to
be with someone who acts as if they aren’t important any more, except when it
serves you. Now there is a gap the size of the canyon between you but they just
don’t have the answer. They ask for attention, they ask for love, they ask for
your patience and normalcy and you tell them that you are being normal. They begin
to shut down.
You are officially
cheating. I venture to say that it started before now. It started with the
first inappropriate response to the other person. What started out as a little
sliver not meant to harm anyone, has invaded your system, your thoughts, your
actions and your heart to the point that you have no idea what side is up. That
sliver has smothered the love in your heart for the one that you are committed
to. That sliver of darkness doesn’t wait for direction; you simply allow it
whatever space it needs. You are in bondage because you did not have the sense
or integrity to uphold the simplest and most sacred of commitments in your
life.
You just can’t get enough of this attention. You want to go
where you ‘are appreciated.’ And there it is… a glimmer of the truth. You can’t
get enough. You continue to seek it out. And at what point do either of you
think it is too much? And by the time too much happens, in your loved one’s
eyes, you have no excuse. It never should have gone that far. But you let it
because it was harmless and it felt good. You led the other person into it like
a well laid trap so you can’t play victim when it goes ‘too far.’ You are never
innocent when it goes too far because too far is at the end of that opportunity
to do the right thing, not at the beginning where you should have made better
choices.
Do you seriously think that something so seemingly harmless
is truly so? You open that door even a sliver and satan will push his way right
in. He got you to open your eyes to something new. He convinced you it is okay
to share your wordplay with another person outside your home. He got you to
sneak around like a fool thinking that it isn’t harming anyone and ‘man, does
it feel good!’ And you walk around hiding who you really are to the one person
that you promised your life to. Hmmmm. I have a question for you slick. Does
that sound like innocence to you, because it is pure sin. Where on this dark
earth, or in your vows, did you read that it is okay to lust after someone else
to fill your ego? I have another one for you: “And if your eye causes you to
stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to have one eye
and enter life than have two eyes and be thrown into the fire of hell.” [Matthew
18:9]
While you are being totally self absorbed and spending all
of your quality words and time on someone else, that sliver is infecting the
committed relationship that you were once so proud of. And if you haven’t
driven them to finding their peace in someone else, then chances are, though
they have more integrity in themselves than you do, your relationship won’t
last much longer. You may twist it and deny it and play innocent, but in
reality, you didn’t have the integrity that it took to commit yourself to one
person. You tempted fate with a sliver and ended up with a log between you in
the marriage bed. Better get right now and change your ways because all sin is
brought to light.
“For it is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do
in secret. But
everything exposed
by the light becomes
visible, for everything that is
illuminated becomes a light
itself. So it is said: “Wake up, O sleeper, rise up from the dead,
and Christ will shine on you.”…” [Ephesians 5:12-14]
