True Love

Not being able to sleep has its advantages. My husband is an incredibly brilliant man. He is smart, not just in the logical, technical and mechanical way, but he is emotionally intelligent and has an insight into the deeper meaning to life. The thing is, none of that matters, really, because if we weren’t equally balanced and meant for each other, it still wouldn’t work well. But we are seriously so compatible and healthy for each other.  We love and respect one another. We are best friends first. He is literally the first man that I have ever trusted and the only one that I allowed in. Before him, I thought I should always hold back something and have an escape plan; a way to guard my heart. And as if that weren’t enough, we are deeply in love. Still. I still feel all girly inside when he says something funny or acts like he is ‘gonna get me.’ If you knew me, THAT is a miracle in itself.

You might be saying, okay, what is the point? This is: My life has been Hell. Some of that Hell was outside of my control and done to me through my life. But most of it was caused by me either indirectly or by directly making horrible choices in my life. I was broken down and battered by the pain inflicted and the brainwashing and conditioning at an early age. I had distrusted and run from men, and reality, for most of my adult life. Because of that, I lived my life by impulse, to please me and not on the logical contemplation of cause and affect. When I look back, I cringe at the person that I was. Only God could love a person like that and I wasn’t even smart enough to believe that this included me. And to me, that is odd, because even before Tom, I could see the true heart of other broken people and who God meant them to be but I could never truly believe that of me.

By the time I met Tom for the second time, I was NEVER going to get married and stopped believing in real love. I was a true cynic. Tom is the first person in my life that has been emotionally intelligent and insightful. From the very beginning, we didn’t want to know who the other person used to be, what other people said or what we ‘did wrong’ before. In fact, he insisted on not knowing. His mentality was like mine: You are who you are with me. Your past mistakes don’t define you. I will make up my own mind. For the first time in my life, I didn’t get emotionally battered for something that happened ‘before.’ I didn’t have to pay for my sins over and over again.

In this world, when you find someone who loves you so completely, you will die for them. By being who he is with me, he is, in affect, creating the deepest desire in me to be my best self and I can’t help but love him even more. He feels the same. This man is so a part of who I am and who I continue to become. He is the only man that could ever settle me down and show me how to trust and be faithful to someone other than me.

So, to Tom, I am who I am with him, now, and whatever I did in my past, is past. He loves me just as I am. This is how God feels too! I think in this way, Tom’s love and faith in me, has helped me reconcile with God’s love for me. I think part of why we have difficulty wrapping our minds around this kind of love, God’s love, is because we have so few opportunities to experience this… from anyone, even our own families. I know those closest to us love to remind us of who we ‘were’ so we don’t think we are better than they think they are. The reality is, we don’t think we are any better, but we behave differently because we have salvation and Hope. That gift is followed by the desire to be better than we were.

The bottom line is, true love does exist. The reality is that you have to work on your brokenness first. Figuring out where your damage comes from and learning to change the way you look at others and yourself. Lean not to your own understanding but in Christ who strengthens you. Figure out what type of person you want and don’t want before you go shopping. If you don’t have a list, you will buy anything. Learn how to communicate who you are, what you want for your future and lovingly question them about the same. Ask them the right questions. Buy a book that tells you the “100 questions To Ask Before You Say I do.” It truly is a partnership and you get out what you put in. So build on being what God sees you to be. Finally, if he passes your inspection after an acceptable amount of time (1 year) then, before you marry, take a pre-marital class at your church to ensure you really are compatible in the major areas of life. Don’t just assume. Be in prayer, be equally yoked and do your research.

lead them home

My fear, if I have one, is wasting the rest of my life and being unsuccessful at bringing people to The Light. I don’t mean that I have to be there for your realization and salvation, though that would be nice. But I need to plant seeds that stir your spiritual growth. I want you to hunger for Truth and tell your closest friends what you found. I want to prove to you that you have value to God and a purpose under Heaven that only HE can show you! I want you to know you are an overcomer and by His grace and power, you can achieve miracles! I want to share personal stories of miracles in my life and that of my children, so that you understand there is nothing too big for this God! I want you to know the secrets in the bible that I know, and have put to use in my life. But I don’t want you to wait until you are old, like I did, to ‘get it.’ With the Truth and God’s grace, you can start NOW! There is nothing stopping you. 

Do you own a bible? http://www.freebibles.net/

Need to chat anonymously about anything in your life? http://www.groundwire.net/

Know someone who is addicted to drugs or alcohol? http://teenchallengeusa.com/ 

It is not just for teens! Maybe you are from another country and know someone who struggles with addiction? http://www.globaltc.org/html/uk_wales.htm

Need a church to be a part of bigger caring community? http://ag.org/top/

Want to learn more as a minister in Arizona? http://www.azasom.com/

Want to learn more about ministering somewhere else? http://www.agts.edu/

Got questions and don’t know who to ask? http://www.gotquestions.org/

 

There are a world of resources on the internet and in your community. There is no better place to get connected to what you need than in church. It is a community of caring individuals who pool resources to help others in their community when they can. If you have a resource that you would like to add, let me know.  Together, we can help lead them home. The alternative is too horrific to think about. 

But if I die before I accomplish my mission, and you can tell what that is by most of my blogs, if I fail to lead them home, will you pick up my sword of Truth and carry it for me? Feed His sheep? Serve Him? 

If you wish to follow these posts, request it. Who are you, where are you from? How can we work together to spread his word?

Tunnel Vision

TUNNEL VISION

Seeking after a thing, in this world, other than God, is idolatry. Riches, fame, beauty, sex, whatever it is, if it takes your attention off of God and focuses it on anything else, it is bad for you. I use these forms of idolatry because our world is warped by them. Nothing is sacred, every unethical tactic is okay as long as it is profitable, sex sells everything, vanity is sickening in our culture today and used to promote our ‘way of life.’

The thing is, when you are focused on something to such a degree, your vision zeroes in on it. You adapt your way of seeing this world to immediately see the opportunity to acquire that thing. You begin to dwell on how to acquire it, how to keep it and worry over losing it. You develop tunnel vision, like a hunter looking through a scope. Most hunters see nothing else.  

Let me give you an example:

You spend your life making sure no one ever sees you without makeup. You developed your sense of taste in clothing, hair, nails and makeup. You feel so strongly about it that you slowly start spending more and more money to achieve a certain result. You may have a sweet spirit, but you have become so consumed by your beauty and fashion that what you base your decisions around it. You would never go to church without looking your very best. In fact, you believe it is just as important for others. You are shocked by the way people look when they come to church and you can’t help noticing how little they care. How do they do it?! “She would look so much better if she wore make-up.” “I wonder if she can’t afford decent clothes, she is wearing jeans!” You may even make mention of it to one of your friends. But you would never tell her. I suspect that if someone were to suggest that you FAST, IE; go a week without makeup, the best fashion, fake nails, etc., you would be horrified. You likely wouldn’t want to leave your home!

It is a little more difficult to fast from riches, but according to a study I completed, that would likely look like philanthropy. You would need to turn your riches to do good. Good for the needs of the poor, to support churches, causes like Teen Challenge, prison ministry or some other worthy cause. The biggest trick here is: don’t blow your own horn about it, just do it in secret!

The reality is, slowly but surely, like weeds, your vanity, or whatever your idolatry is centered on, has started to grow in your spiritual garden. It is consuming your heart for others, your love for God and your perspective on what is important in life. It has slowly manipulated your thinking on good and bad, right and wrong, and has turned what humility you possessed into egoism. It narrows your vision in a way that keeps you from seeing the big picture, the love of God, the lost souls of the world, your purpose, your service to God in this world. If you aren’t sure if you do idolize something other than God, try to go without it for a while. You don’t need to fast from food, you need to fast from your obsessions in life, from your idolatry, and get back to God.  

One more thing: There is this book. It is pretty amazing so let me tell you about it. This book is magical! It actually speaks to your heart and guides you if you let it! It is ancient. It holds the power to do so many miraculous things such as break chains, build love relationships, repair families, build communities, teach right from wrong, and bring salvation and restoration. But the thing is, you have study it to get anything from it. It is called the “Bible.”

I have a false teacher in my head

Last night I was thinking about the various stages my feelings of self- worth, as a Christian, goes through in one day. Does anyone else go through this? I don’t even want to admit this, but for the sake of humility and others, I will. I have this image in my head of what a Christian woman looks like. I envision some sweet little person with a loving heart that everyone knows. She is seamlessly doing everything the Lord asks, never questions herself or Him, never thinks, says or does anything bad, or human, and has a loving word of encouragement for any situation that hits her in the gut. If you were to get an audio/visual of her there would be angels singing and humming around her in that angel’s sounding way and she would have a shining halo over her head with the sweetest smile every second of the day.

I think I have a false teacher in my head. Either that or maybe I am just a bad Christian. No one knows the heart of man, except God. So I can’t get into your head and see how you think or really feel. But I suspect this and want everyone else who doubts themselves to understand. 

First, you are not alone. I believe that everyone… I mean, EVERYONE right down to the pope, still struggles with fleshly desires and sin of some kind. By fleshly desires and sin, I mean, every negative, profane, vane, gluttonous, hateful, envious, idolistic (my own word), selfish, lime-light stealing, mean, prideful, resentful, sexually impure, greedy, petty, lazy, untruthful… all of the potential that we humans have to sin or turn something sour, is possible because we are not God. We are human! 

Remember that little image of the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other? Well, it is our fleshly sinful selves battling over territory with the spiritual Christian selves that we are trying to become. I think sometimes I have a split personality because I am forever correcting myself for something. We have a battle for righteousness going on in our bodies every second of the day. Like the angel & devil, we have to police every choice we make, every thought, every word out of our mouths, every urge, every motive and then double check to make sure we are doing things the right way for the right reasons. I even try to do good things and have to make sure it is because I am compelled to do them and not for recognition. I mean, wow! I can’t even do good without having to police myself!? 

But you know what? It is a refining process. It is a slow refining of who we are as humans into what God meant us to be and this takes time and effort. It starts by sifting out the glaring sins that everyone sees and knows about. Those are the boulders. The first one is usually the biggest and it is sometimes a big struggle to let it go. But the very first time that you say no to it, you are blessed with such a peace, that it gives you the strength to say no again and again… and forever. Then, as you dig deeper into His Word and listen to the pastor’s sermons, you start to see the sin in your words, your heart, your actions, your inactions and in others over time. You start to catch yourself in each wrong action as you think, say or do it… or fail to do it. You also recognize sin in others. 

Then you find yourself explaining to people why you are suddenly changing. Or they just bad talk you behind your back and call you a hypocrite because they really don’t get it. You may have to remove yourself from those who aren’t Christians and those who profess to be, but act like they aren’t, in order to keep your balance. But the need to police yourself, in some areas, never goes away. We are of the flesh and as such must be diligent in guarding our hearts against sin so that we can live in the Spirit for God. 

You may have a false teacher in your head, but you have God’s permission to ignore it. Read the Word, pray for wisdom, stay in church for fellowship and inspiration and let God mold you into who you were meant to be.