When I was little, I remember wandering
around town, and out of town, by myself just to see what the world looked like.
I was like a street urchin in a tiny rural, unincorporated town that had a
creek running through it, a river outside it, farmland, an actual mine to
explore, close knit community and all the excitement that a child can find when
allowed to explore unattended.
We had a blended family and slept three to a bed at
times because our combined family was 14 strong. As with most blended families,
we had our problems. The father was on my side of the family. The mother on
their side. Keeping in mind that I was very young, probably around two, when
they regained custody of me from my foster family, my memories are a mix of
wonderful freedoms and friendships along with clearly dysfunctional living, unconventional
parenting and sibling rivalry.
From what I recall, the parents did their own thing
and left the older kids to manage the household. If I came home late from
exploring, there was no real consequence. When I almost got ran over for
sledding down a steep road, I got spanked. We had a well, an outhouse, a
chamber pot and no running water. The first and only time that I had been
disciplined, if I remember right. When we got Christmas presents, mine disappeared
shortly after. Sometimes we would be forced to stay outside at night when the
parents were away so that the older girls could have their friends over. I
recall my step-sister almost coming to blows with my sister(s)? to let us in or
else. One by one, my (real) sisters left home as soon as they were able. I was
the youngest and the last to leave. My own father left too, and I was left
behind. I was maybe 8 years old.
After my real family left me there, despite the years
I lived with them, I recall a few incidents when step-mom asked why I was still
there in their home. She complained about why I was still there and said that I
wasn’t wanted. I recall one time when the younger step-brother shook me and
tried to make me say that I was retarded. The funny thing is, I remember the
rest of my time as being so adventurous and fun.
It was, however, a relief when one of my sisters came for
me to live with her. I think the father and her were given ultimatums. “Come
and get your child or…” The father couldn’t be bothered so my loving sister
Bootie came. I packed a clothes basket of what we could find and left.
There is far more that happened from childhood to adulthood
that is not irrelevant to how I turned out but seems too much to add here at
this moment. You can imagine the worst and extrapolate the possibilities on
your own. You probably wouldn’t be far off.
Literally all my life until I had a home of my own, I
felt like an orphan. Throughout adulthood, I felt insecure, unloved; like an
outsider. I struggled to fit in and be accepted. Not that people didn’t accept
me, but that I always felt that I had to try harder to be ‘worthy.’ On the
inside there was this great battle of good and evil trying to control who I
thought I was. Perhaps part of me being a loner, and so good at working on my
own, was because I never felt that I could truly trust anyone to do their part
or sincerely care about the outcome as I do.
My relationships reflected my insecurity and lack of
trust from choices that I made in life which damaged me further. You see, as
you know, if you don’t have good examples to model your decisions after… or if
circumstances cause you to stray away from the good that you know, into the
darkness that you feel safe in, then your decisions, relationships and behavior
are molded very differently than someone with a normal, loving background.
They say, the infamous ‘they’, that those who have
been broken and put back together from the lowest of lows are best at empathy
and love. Perhaps that is why Christ chooses us. Yes, we have a great deal of empathy,
but it comes at a cost too.
We have nurtured, over the years of brokenness, a lot
of messed up ideals of how we should be. We come from a place of never having
the right mentor or examples to follow in life. Or, we did, and we chose to,
follow the complete opposite. In any case, whatever our lives were and became,
we find ourselves here.
All this to say, How do we make sure that we provide
the proper nurturing and love to those that God asked us to serve if we have
become reactionary and guarded from our damaged lives? We the people have to
lead His people in love. What does that look like to a bunch of broken misfits
as us? Practically speaking, of course.
There are two key sayings that come to mind which
helped me, along with scripture, realize how important my reactions to others can
be. It took me years and years to really ‘get it’.
One is “Treat people how you want to be treated.”
Luke 6:31:
“And as you wish that others
would do to you, do so to them.”
The other is “If we could read the secret history
of our enemies, we should find in each man’s life sorrow and suffering enough
to disarm all hostility.” Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
And one of my biblical
favorites is:
Eph 6:12: “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual
forces of evil in the heavenly realms.”
People handle positions
of power differently. Meaning, both leaders AND followers have a different view
of leadership.
We are ultimately secular
beings trying to live like Christians. So, it makes sense that we should have
trouble putting to use our newfound Christian values as it relates to work
related positions. We have had all of the biblical training as the best of Christians
but whether our titles are in ministry positions or not, we haven’t had practical
life applications of how to put our biblical beliefs to good use in a work
environment.
You see, secularly we
view positions of authority as power and autonomy. We think that we have finally
made it and we now have the freedom to do what we want. In fact, the
dictionary has one definition of autonomy as “self-directing freedom and especially
moral independence.” But that simply isn’t the way we should be. We
must, as followers of Christ, do our best to love others above ourselves and
live by His moral code, am I right?
Well, you can read all
you want about horses. We can call you a horseman and put you on
a horse, but if you have never actually ridden one, your tendency
might be to kick its sides and yank the reigns. You come at a horse like that
and you will find yourself on the ground dusting off your bottom.
We lean to what we know.
Coming from the streets, we use our street smarts as a default when we don’t
know any better. We respond with power and control rather than learning how to
build trust first. It is typically the first mistake. It is the same in leadership.
We don’t just walk into the title and BAM we are a leader. We have to build
trust and learn by trial and error. The problem is, we still think like we did
in the world. Out of fear and insecurity we reign with power and control and no
apologies because we don’t want people to see us fall off.
Out in the world, if you
are given a ‘title’, you typically have to compete with others for it. This
alone can create barriers to unity and successful outcomes. It pits one against
the other and the ‘winner’ has to question what she has won. Position comes
with immediate resentment, hidden agendas to knock you off of your horse and
debate about what is the best way to do your job. If you are wise, you
learn to lead rather than to dictate in order to meet your goals. You need buy-in
but every day can be a constant struggle to teach others how to be productive
team mates.
Phil 2:2-4: “Complete my joy by being of the same mind,
having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from rivalry
or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let
each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of
others.”
You will find that all of
a sudden people will align themselves to you that weren’t before.
It may be difficult to stay neutral and it will be expected that
you show favoritism to those who are there to support you and be your ‘friends.’
It will be difficult to separate your work world from your personal alliances.
A good rule of thumb is
that you NEVER want to put yourself in a position to be accused of impropriety.
If you can’t do or say it to everyone, best not do or say it at all to anyone.
You will find those who will
do what they can to sabotage your position and make you look bad. They initiate
‘secret’ conversations with you in order to ensnare you unjustly.
You will find those who
fight amongst themselves and don’t really think much about you or your position.
They just want to do what they are called to do.
You will also find those
that see the whole picture and just want to share ideas on how to make it work
smoothly.
Unfortunately, you can
rarely tell any of them apart. Who is truly for or against you? Are they in it
for themselves or is it sincere?
I am reading a book
called “The Tattooist of Auschwitz”. It says, “And just like a king, he must
now be wary of people’s motives for befriending him or taking him into their confidence.
Are they jealous? Do they want my job? Do I run the risk of being wrongly
accused of something? He has seen the consequences of greed and mistrust here.”
In our Christ like world,
you are supposed to serve in a role that you are called
to. If you truly believe that you are called to a position, then
you need to serve as Christ did, be teachable and do your utmost for others. If
you stay in God’s will, and are serving in love, He will bless you in your
obedience. He will keep you where you are meant to be. End of.
We aren’t supposed to be
like the world in positions of ministry. We are supposed to TRUST that God has
put us where He wants us. THAT is why we can easily admit mistakes, be honest
in our shortcomings. Seek help with issues that make our blood boil. Accept
correction when it is given and seek forgiveness a million times if we have to
because we ARE Christians and we will always be unlearning worldly methods of
leadership until the day we pass on. As long as we are leading scripturally, we
should feel secure in what we do because we all should be thinking the same
thing. We are in this together and we are where Christ wants us.
As a Christian leader, the
difference isn’t in what others do in reaction to your title. People,
Christian or not, will always align themselves to self-survival mode. We always
have to be wary of why other people do what they do if we are in
a position of authority. The difference is you! Do YOU trust God?
How do you react and serve in a biblical position? Nothing that anyone else
does matters IF you are serving in love and obedience to what Christ would do
in your shoes.
If you are serving in
love and transparency: You shouldn’t fear being taken from it unless it is God’s
will. If He moves you to something else, embrace the change. You shouldn’t be
insecure about making mistakes. Honesty sets you high upon the throne in the
sight of others but a lack of integrity will undermine your position. People
see what you do and they emulate it. You should be able to
confess short comings and seek guidance without pride. There is no shame in
admitting when you have sinned against your fellow man and fallen short of what
God wishes you to do. Surely you must know that “There but by the Grace of God
go I.” None of us are immune to behaving humanly. Some of us just hide it
better. As a Christian, you do not need to fight for your position. You can
feel secure in it and put all your energies into being a good servant.
Worldly leaders
frequently have a “Do as I say, not as I do” mentality that carries over into
their lives in general. They make their actions acceptable solely based on
their position. A good example would be of parenting. As a parent, I tell my
children that they cannot have sweets because it isn’t good for them and then I
sit down, in front of them, and eat sweets. This is tricky because we tell
ourselves that we are entitled now that we have ‘made it’ and we
can eat what we want. In reality, we are telling others that we are better than
they are and their feelings about that don’t matter.
To us, as Christians, we
never want to ‘flaunt’ our privileges in front of our students or interns. We
never want anyone to ‘stumble’ because of what we say, do or ingest. We must be
mindful of others before thinking of ourselves and not fall prey to that sense
of entitlement of position.
1 Cor 8:9: “But take care that this right of yours does
not somehow become a stumbling block to the weak.”
Rom 14: 1-23: “As for the one who is weak in faith,
welcome him, but not to quarrel over opinions. One person believes he may eat
anything, while the weak person eats only vegetables. Let not the one who eats
despise the one who abstains, and let not the one who abstains pass judgment on
the one who eats, for God has welcomed him. Who are you to pass judgment on the
servant of another? It is before his own master that he stands or falls. And he
will be upheld, for the Lord is able to make him stand. One person esteems one
day as better than another, while another esteems all days alike. Each one
should be fully convinced in his own mind. ...
If we love others more
than ourselves, our first thought is not how it affects us or how
we feel about anything, it is how we can love this person next to
us enough to help them heal from their brokenness and seek the Light.
Leaders also have a huge responsibility
to those who are watching. It is a matter of integrity or not having any,
really. Like a Chameleon we learn to take on a different persona depending on who
we are talking with. To some extent, we all do this because it is part of
relationships. We know that we need to talk to Jane more delicately than
we do with John because we know their stories. Maybe Jane needs a softer
approach and John prefers to be blunt and feels it is an insult to sugar coat
anything. But the type of duplicity that I refer to is intentional deceit.
Duplicity, or posturing, is
where people act in a way that is not normal for them just to please someone
else. For example, one might behave in reverence to an authority figure and
pretend to be exactly what the authority wants them to be, but is completely
different with everyone else. In private, with family or with their closest friends,
they revert to their true self. A good example might be the church goer who
speaks softly and is filled with scripture while in church and talking to the
pastor, but reigns with an iron fist and little love when at home.
Another pitfall of
leadership is ingratiating. Have you ever seen employees in a work setting
talking amongst themselves in a normal manner but as soon as the leader comes
into the meeting, some completely change? They do what it takes to win the
approval of the one in charge. Some will even jump up to get the authority
figure coffee, not being concerned with serving anyone else. They offer special
treatment and set the boss apart from everyone else. Respect for authority, in
and of itself, is acceptable, but to the exclusion of others, it is not
Christian. Unfortunately, the reason why ‘ingratiating ourselves to someone’ works
is because those in authority like the perks and attention that it gets them
and those ingratiating themselves like the favoritism bestowed upon them.
It is easy to be drawn
into that sort of treatment but very necessary to stop the behavior
immediately. We should never let it appear that, as someone in authority, we
are better than anyone else in the room. It wouldn’t work if the leader didn’t allow it
and no one would do it if they didn’t know there is going to be benefits for
it. If it is accepted and, even expected, it causes the great divide between people
to become even wider.
Both duplicity and
ingratiating is obvious to those who are watching and can completely undermine
your position, integrity and trusted relationships. People who are duplicitous
are seen as being untrustworthy because they lack sincerity. To lead, you must
be neutral and loving to everyone, think of others before
yourself and lead by serving, not by being served.
Remember part of my story
at the beginning? We ALL have a story and most of us don’t know the FULL story.
We are taking other people’s lives in our hands and trying to model for them,
what Christ would want them to live like. To do that, we must be above
reproach. We must live what we want them to live. We must walk the walk, so to
speak and be the person that Christ called to this position. We set the example
for them. Our willingness to serve the broken, keeping in mind their hidden
stories, will help them along the way. We must lift them higher so that, they
too, can grow to serve one day. We must remember that we are setting an
example, good or bad, for everyone watching… but most importantly, the position
entrusted to us can be taken away at God’s will if we fail to serve others
above ourselves.
We deal in broken people.
Easily swayed and dissuaded. The difference is, if I mess up out in the world,
chances are my mistakes won’t lead to drug abuse and death. In this ministry, if
I turn one of these little ones away by my bad example, they can lose their
life.
Therefore, it is crucial that
you, as a leader, understand the delicate balance of what you do and say.
Rom 15:1: “We who are strong have an obligation to
bear with the failings of the weak, and not to please ourselves.”
Col 3:12-14: “Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and
beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience,
bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving
each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above
all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.”
Eph 6:9: “9 And masters, treat your slaves in the same way. Do
not threaten them, since you know that he who is both their Master and yours is in heaven, and there is no favoritism with him.”
2 Cor 1:3-4: “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord
Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in
all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any
affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.”
