I feel compelled to write this today. Maybe someone else
feels compelled to read it and heal? I was reading the bible study on
Youversion bible app called “Soul Detox.” For every day that you read it has
questions. I actually started a journal because of this bible study. Haven’t
done that in years. Anyways, I digress.
Are you, or do you know someone, who has fallen victim
to your choices in life and can’t seem to get off the gerbil wheel? If you aren’t
one of those, keep reading anyway because I am rounding the bend and may have
something that you need to hear in a bit. If not, share it with someone you
know that has fallen and is trying to get up.
Do you remember how when you first drank to impress
your friends, took your first hit of weed or tried your first pill? Part of the
high is the high from the chemical but a larger part is the high from
the sense of belonging that you get. This sense of belonging is a deep rooted
need in all of us.
I must have been 14ish when I went to my first party
in the woods of New Diggings, Wisconsin. People came from the tri-states
because ‘the trails’ is outside of town and in a no man’s land of jurisdiction.
As you entered, it was one long road but along the sides there were, what
seemed like, dozens of off shoots going into the woods from the main vein. It
was almost always a safe place to party and underaged kids went all the time.
I am not sure if I drank, that part didn’t remain in
my memory. Why? Because that wasn’t the reason that I really went. But when I
look back, I do remember the feeling of being a part of those older people who
brought the booze and probably drugs and allowed us kids to be a part of their
world for a short while. Until, of course, the cops from both counties came barreling
in with their lights blazing and sirens screaming. All of us kids ran for the
hills. It was no longer fun. But the memory of belonging and the shared glory
of the story lived on.
I have a granddaughter who turned 20 in November. She
was probably younger when she first started sneaking out, stealing her parents
pills and getting high on weed. She always claimed that she would never be an
addict or shoot heroin because weed just relaxed her. She was ditching school, breaking
curfew and getting in trouble with the police before she turned 15. Even when
she was using mood altering drugs from the doctor, claiming she needed it to
not be depressed, Tom and I knew that she didn’t really need them.
Her thing, and I knew it all along, is the same as
mine was. She wanted to belong and she found a group of people who accepted her
for what she was. You see, when your life is not ideal, mine was a
dysfunctional nightmare, you seek refuge. But because you feel inadequate and
unworthy, you seek those as low or lower than yourself because you are afraid
anyone else would reject you. It is safer to gravitate to those people who won’t
look down on you because they have large gaping wounds too. When decent people
try to be near you, you back away because you believe the lies of the enemy who
says you will never be good enough.
The euphoria that you feel when you are accepted
as part of a click, at that stage in your life, is enormous. THAT is the true
high you seek. You will go along with almost anything to show them that you are
one of them. You will continue to do that thing, initially, because you are a
part, but, eventually because you are no longer in control.
Trinity came to live with us out in the middle of no
where and she blossomed. She didn’t have anyone to influence her and she could
only concentrate on how to communicate and function in the real world. She was
able to do it without prescription anti-depressants and weed. She was herself
again! But alas, she became frantic over having to study for her last GED
class, Math, and threw a fit. A violent fit. Fear is a liar, and it ruled her
sense of self-worth like nothing else. She fought hard so that she could go
back to her own vomit.
But as with anything, cigarettes, alcohol, pills, the
needle, it starts as something that you can control. You don’t see it, but it
controls you in a very short time. Trinity went from being obsessive about how
she looks, insightful and funny and always being on stage in front of others,
to falling apart in every way. She slowly began doing things that she would
never have done before. She invited some really bad people into her parent’s
home when they weren’t there (and she has three younger siblings, one under
five at the time.) She began putting the family that she loved in danger for
her own needs.
She no longer controlled who she was with or what she
would do for them to get what she wanted. And, in short order, she no longer
cared about her appearance, her weight loss, what she wore… (she was only 4
foot 8 and 95 pounds to begin with). She was no longer functional. She became,
and still is, a nodding, incoherent junkie. I wish I could add before and after
pictures for you to see the difference. I cry and pray for her daily. I miss
her so very much and plead with God to restore her.
2 Peter 2:22:
“What the true proverb says has
happened to them: “The dog returns to its own vomit, and the sow, after washing
herself, returns to wallow in the mire.”
But you see, these are
still symptoms of a bigger problem and our program knows this. I
see those who have been saved from these addictions to substances, sex or self-harm,
only to hang onto the true addiction beneath.
What do I mean? The root
cause of it all is needing to feel like you belong. You need to feel better
about yourself than you do. You may even need to feel superior to make yourself
feel better about your life, or the darkness in your past. So, it isn’t just
the substances that make you broken. It is the self-image beneath it.
Gal 5:19-21: “Now the works of the flesh are evident:
sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife,
jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness,
orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those
who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.”
People tend to feed on strife,
rivalries, jealousy, dissensions, envy, gossip, favoritism and other wounded
behaviors in order to build themselves up. It starts small, but once you see
that it is working in your favor, you chase it like a drug. You crave the
attention, the power and the belonging. It digs deep into your heart and soul
and poisons the Spirit of who God meant us to be.
1 Tim 6:4: “He is puffed up with conceit and understands
nothing. He has an unhealthy craving for controversy and for quarrels about
words, which produce envy, dissension, slander, evil suspicions,”
I remember a time when I
could hold a grudge longer than anyone else. My friends used to envy it. I was
outspoken, strong minded and blunt. But then, when it took over every activity,
they had to intervene. What started as a defense mechanism, became my power and
my drug. My way of controlling others so they would not hurt me. Yes. That was
me back in my twenties. It changed who I was, and it wasn’t easy learning love
and forgiveness. I would like to say my change was immediate, but it took
years. I had a trust issue that rooted itself deep into my core.
1 Cor 3:3: “For you are still of the flesh. For while
there is jealousy and strife among you, are you not of the flesh and behaving
only in a human way?”
It is all sin, people. Anything
that isn’t of God, is sin. Sin is as strong as the permissions that you give
it. Let me say that again, “Sin is as strong as the permissions that you
give it!” We end up running to it and turning our face from God in shame. But
it is the same with any vice that we pick up to make ourselves feel
superior to we really are. And we always hurt others, turn from God and self-destruct.
The problem is, you can’t
just go to a short program and detox and stay clean without rooting out the
brokenness within. It is far too easy to think that once you kick the substance
habit, you are done. But that is a fallacy. Even in our program, there are those
who refuse to dig deep, being honest about their damage and being willing to do
the deep work of restoration. It is important to recognize that the symptoms
of our sin are the substance abuse. The true sin is in our hearts. If we
fail to irradicate the ugliness in our hearts, then we truly aren’t healed, are
we? And as such, it is all too easy to return to our vomit again and again. We
MUST heal the Spirit and change how we love others.
Prov 14:30: “A tranquil heart gives life to the flesh,
but envy makes the bones rot.”
2 Chronicles
7:14: “If my people who are
called by my name humble themselves, and pray and seek my face and turn from
their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and
heal their land.”
And, in case you think
that you have made it, it is a daily spiritual battle. The enemy is always
trying to trip you up. You need to stay armored up to stay on the winning side.
Eph 6:12: “For we do not wrestle against flesh and
blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic
powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly
places.”
