No Matter What

                                                                                                                           

I think, as we age, we think more on how it will end for us and who we will leave behind. Last night, as I lay sleepless once again, I wondered what my death, or what comes next, would be like. It may sound dramatic, but I have had a lot of unexplained health issues of late and it seems, to me, only natural that I would analyze it. That is what I have been trained to do. Seems to me, especially these days, that I analyze and troubleshoot my health more than the doctors who are paid to figure it out… by I digress again.

Last night, I wondered if I would get to meet God or Christ when I pass on. It isn’t the first time that I wondered just how close I would be to Him. Then I wonder how I will be, what I will say, if I could worship Him in song, without the angel’s covering their ears in pain, or show Him my deep love and gratitude for Him in some way. If I would feel so unworthy that I would blow my chance to know Him and spend time with Him. Would I be able to ask Him for one favor or would He just know?

In my sessions with the students at Adult & Teen Challenge, I, too, am being transformed. It is bound to happen when I listen to their life stories and I see the parallels. I often use my own examples in helping them along the way. It causes me to reflect on my own life and things that could have been different. Perhaps that is part of why I am drawn to the broken. I feel their pain.

In my soul searching I have realized that I have never known what it feels like to have normal loving parents. My mother had a nervous breakdown at an early age and my father gained custody of us five girls. We lived in a farmhouse with 14 of us kids and two absent parents, one being my step-mother. They liked to drink so they were gone for much of my upbringing. My sister rescued me when I was about 9 years old but that didn’t end well either. I felt like I didn’t belong anywhere by that point.

I have always had that feeling. The father was never present until I begun to develop. I wish he had never come for me… but then where would I go? There was no place safe. Looking back, I can liken my upbringing in that home to a pack of dogs. Maybe just because I was an outsider and served no purpose at that age. I was just there. I strayed to where I wanted during the day and came back to the den at night. I was fed and had a place to sleep.

Do you know what is amazing about that though? At five years old, with no church or prior knowledge of Him, I laid at the end of our huge yard in the grass at dark and talked to Him in the stars. I just knew. I feel like whatever I said must have touched His heart because I know that He has chased me through life and been there for me, no matter what.

Oh now, don’t feel too sorry for me because what the world meant for bad, God used for His glory. My brokenness and pain help me understand the actions and reactions of those that I serve. I have had a great ending to my last days, thanks to my wonderful husband and our purpose driven life with God.

But something bothers me… I can’t imagine what it must feel like to be held by a parent with a sincere pure love and not feel threatened and unsafe. I can’t imagine growing up in a house where I was encouraged, praised, nurtured and cared for as if I were the priority. I cringe when I think of the father even coming near me, let alone holding me out of anything more than a perversion that ruled his life. Or my real mother, who I never got to know until I was grown, being there to protect me and share my trials with, who will tell me that it will be okay. Or my step mother not looking at me like I was just another mouth to feed and not welcome there.

I reflect on that lately and wonder how having a Godly kind of love from my parents might have changed my choices and my parenting skills. I loved my children and took the responsibility very seriously. Too seriously. I fought to give them what I thought that they needed in life. I was an over-achiever in work. I made sure they had a decent home, food, clothes... necessities and luxuries that I never had, no matter what. I protected them against all the things in this world that I thought would hurt them. I was possibly over-protective. And yet, looking back, I couldn’t possibly recognize all of the evils for what they were until it was too late.

But for as much as I did for them, I didn’t do enough with them. I spent so much time working on succeeding in the responsibility part that I failed at the praise and nurturing part of things. I could have spent a lot more time with them, their homework, their feelings, their failures, fun activities and building them up to be strong and confident. It isn’t always what we do as parents, it is often what we fail to do.

I know that I can’t undo the past, but what I am getting at is this… things would be different, had I known what it was like to have safe, loving parents. I would have learned by example what needed to be done. If I had been praised, I would realize the importance of praise. If I had structure, I would have learned from it. If I had God, I would have known by His teachings, what love is supposed to look like.

But that was a major detour from what I was getting at… all this to say, that when I pass on, I pray that I can see Him. I can’t change what has happened or who we are, except by prayer. But I can ask for something that my heart wants to know. My one request would be, “Can you please hold me like a loving father and tell me that it will be okay?”  I want to know what it feels like to have someone love me like a parent, who would do no harm to me, who would just want to comfort me and let me know that I am loved with a pure unconditional love that surpasses all that I was, failed to be and am.

I know how it feels for me to be the parent who loves, but not how it feels to receive that kind of love from my own parents. That orphan feeling created a void in me that took years to figure out, eradicate and refill with God’s promises. It took me a long time to be able to relate to God’s love for me except in relation to my love for my kids, which was imperfect. It took even longer to truly understand how deeply He loves and pursued me, even in my sin. And longer still to believe that I was loved unconditionally, no matter what, and no longer an orphan.

Now… for those of you that have children… I beg you to consider the way that you parent. Don’t let your lack of knowledge or experience be the reason that you fail to do what is crucial for them to survive in this dark world. There is a wonderful program that you can sometimes get for free through your county called “Active Parenting Now” by Dr Popkin. But more importantly, there is God, who is the Father of all and has the most perfect love for us no matter what.

Prov. 22:6: “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.”

Don't Let ME come Back!

If I love your people
Just like I love you
I'll be filled with so much love
That nothing else will do.

No sadness, focused on MY pain
Or what I haven't done
No worry about my narrow world and
Not SEEING anyone.

Imagine if I put them first
And showed them what you do
No empty words or piety
Just loving them through you

Bringing smiles and help and love
To those who need it most
Spending time with those He loves,
Instead of social posts!

Let me think before I speak
And pause before I react.
Let me see the one you love
And don't let ME come back!

I need renewal in my soul
To be the one YOU see
And not this fleshly human being
Who needs to be set free.

Remind me just what love can do
When it's all we want to share!
The light that pierce's through the dark
And heals wounds hidden there.

My love must flow to everyone
My cup shall never drain
Because when we're together
You will fill it up again!

Mission NOT Impossible-please help

                                                                                      

When Tom and I set out on this journey in May of 2018, we clearly didn’t know what to expect. Even though he had not yet given his life to the Lord, Tom whole heartedly supported my ministry and pushed me to get more involved. I say pushed because I have my insecurities and trust issues and, at that point, I was walking into unknown territory. But as with all things, Tom plows right through with an assurance only he can muster and always thinks things will work out great. I love that about him!   

You see, the whole time that I was taking ministry classes, Tom was watching, encouraging and supporting me emotionally. He would get me Christian movies, like “The Bible” and then watch them with me… something he was not interested in before. When things got rough and I was clearly not myself and under attack, he stood by me and went through the process with me.

As we left our secular jobs to volunteer in a world with no income, I was the practical one. I would ask, “How will we buy food? How will we pay for gas, parts, bills? How will we survive financially?” Tom would always say that it will be fine. ‘We will do what we have to do.’ Tom spent a huge amount of money, almost depleting his savings, on building that bus for us. We saved what we could, and sold almost everything that we had to bank roll this life change. In the gap, I kept trying to lean on God’s word, but given my past, I tend to be skeptical.

Mat 6: 25-34: “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷ Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life^[a]?

²⁸ “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹ Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰ If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? ³¹ So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³ But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

After a year and a half of building the school bus into an RV, we were ready. It took a while to figure out where to go. I had emailed several places that were not on the RV Maps list but to no avail. First stop was New Mexico.

We envisioned a utopia of Christ’s love healing the sick surrounded by perfectly loving Christians. We were going from structured secular positions to a discipleship program where students become staff based on their time in the program. This was shell shock for us both as we tried to navigate through how to help without hurting. We started this journey thinking that we were going to change the world, instead we discovered that it didn’t need changing, we did. (That isn’t completely true, there was a need for many improvements and life lessons, but until our hearts were humbled and lined up with what God wanted, we were fighting a losing battle. Because it wasn’t a battle at all… it was a mission.)

Not surprisingly, God put people in our lives (Thanks Wyatt & Pastor Jason) who helped Tom hear God’s calling on his life. Wyatt encouraged him to attend church with his wife regularly and Pastor Jason fed him the word so eloquently that Tom was baptized in August and gave his life to the Lord. As we all know, that is just the beginning of life changes God makes in our hearts.

We left New Mexico and drove our big blue bus to California. We were allowed to park our bus in the front courtyard for a short time. A sequence of events took place that was nothing short of miraculous. Our first meeting with the director and assistant director made us fall in love. They had the kind of love for the students that we did. Tom said something profound because, for the first time that I can recall, he pronounced his faith in God out loud. He said that he knew that we were meant to be here despite what decision they made about us and that he was not going to worry about it. He knew God put us here. This was a major indication of his growing faith! Tom always worries and analyzes and questions things.

Needless to say, we stayed to do an internship for six months. We were told up front that it doesn’t guarantee a paying job when we finish. The internship could go on for quite some time before a paid position in our area opens up. There were many students before us who were in line to be paid. We weren’t going anywhere. Tom let them know that, once he finished the internship, with only the $350 a month stipend, he would have to find work in the community to help us financially.

But things got even more difficult. We had to find a place to park the bus. The county had given notice that we had to move it. I don’t know if you realize the cost of living in California but parking our bus was going to cost more than our stipends put together. We could have given up. We had many people express interest in helping but they fell through.

Our persistence and Tom’s doggedness, paid off. God blessed us with a ranch that would charge only half of what they could get in exchange for Tom’s help on the ranch. My worry was, with a 40- hour internship, when was he going to find time? But Tom is a work horse. He just does it.

Our passion has always been the students. This is what brought us here. In the short time that we came here, Tom had started reading the bible and ministering to the men and women with such love and selflessness! Tom’s ministry flourished. He had told them from the start that he wasn’t a minister but their answer was, ‘everyone ministers here, brother.’ And he does.

When his internship ended, he was asked to head up the Grace Harbor project. This is a 90- bed facility for homeless women and children and women with life controlling issues. He would be a foreman of sorts. He would teach the men from the men’s center how to work construction tasks and use equipment during the day. Electric, plumbing, building, demolishing and all that comes with it. He knew immediately that this was his calling. He accepted.

The men in the program love working with him and many ask to do their internship under him. He is such an excellent teacher and mentor for them. They are learning skills that could carry the into careers in the world if they choose to use them. When he started a bible study every day before they start work, initially they weren’t all for it since, in their eyes, they study it every day. But they have quickly learned to love discussing the bible together and learning more in depth. Keep in mind, my husband has just started reading it himself and yet God is using him in such a tremendous way!

I should clarify something about my husband for you. This man needs hip replacements, has a bad back and major joint pain. Just before we left Arizona, a doctor told him that he needed hip replacements but she wouldn’t do it yet because it would fail. She said, rightfully so, that he was the type of patient who would not listen to orders and would do things he isn’t supposed to, too soon, and cause it to fail. Essentially, wasting the surgery on him. She was right.

He is the first one on a ladder, though ladders are the hardest on him. He will bull doze through any job with no concern for his physical pain. He comes home every night hunched over and in pain, but all he talks about is how great it was and is filled with stories of learning, joy and brotherly love. Nothing will stop him from God’s calling on his life. He does what he has to do. Always. His plan is to finish Grace Harbor and then see if he can get a double hip replacement. This is his plan….

In my time here, I have been working with the women and working in the finance office as part of my internship. When my internship was over, and despite the women students being my ministry, I was offered a paid position in the office doing finances. There was no money in working with the women and they desperately needed me to work full time in finance. Despite the income issue, I originally said ‘no thank you because my heart is with the students.’ However, after discussing it, I agreed to take the position of finance person because we literally lost everyone in the office except me. God called me to serve where they need me and we had a desperate need in the office. (We still haven’t found anyone to help with this job.)

My husband, mind you, is old fashioned. He insists that he needs to bring in money to help and refuses to allow me to do it alone. Nothing I can say will change his mind. Now, against his heart’s desire, he feels that he has to fulfill his original agreement to work only part time so that he can bring in an income. Now, he works three and a half days a week on Grace Harbor, and the rest of the week and weekend on the ranch and as a handyman. When Grace Harbor goes full time, he will work full time and work his full weekends on the ranch and doing handy man jobs with no time to rest his broken body.

Oh, and did I say he also has chickens and a garden? He is such a Kramer on coffee. He never stops. He loves those chickens and the eggs that they provide. He loves gardening too. Literally, he is busy all of the time. If he isn’t working on these things, he is keeping our internet, plex, toilet, electric, plumbing, vehicles and everything running.

He is tired, broken and sore and the last to admit it. All he wants to do is work on Grace Harbor full time with the men, teaching and sharing the word with them. Yet, he is working so very hard to also fulfill his obligation at the ranch to cover rent and to work as a handyman to bring in money. Money truly is the root of all evil… but in this world, it is a necessary evil.

So… here is the point… we have something called Missionary Support. You can send in a donation as often as you like to support someone in the ministry and they get it along with their monthly stipend.

If your heart feels led to… please support Tom Shellberg with a monthly donation so that he doesn’t feel that he has to work on anything other than what God has called him to do. Please support him with a monthly donation so that he can work full time on the Grace Harbor women and Children’s Center.

Please mark the memo section as Missionary Support-Tom Shellberg and send to:

Adult and Teen Challenge Monterey Bay

PO Box 1807

Watsonville, CA 95077

God bless you for whatever you can give

You're Not the Boss of Me-Andy Stanley

Please take time to watch this series. Andy is excellent at bringing scripture to life, to our own lives. I needed this ya'll... we all do. What's in your heart?

https://northpoint.org/messages/youre-not-the-boss-of-me/from-the-heart