Just Like Us

Just like our choices and experiences morph into who we become; just like our consumption morphs into our physical state; just like our thought life morphs into how we see the world and each other; our sins morph into our spiritual darkness; our lives lead inevitable to the death that we deserve. ******************************************************************************************************************** An example, regarding cause and affect, could be: I stay out in the sun too long without protection. I end up burnt to a lobster red a couple of times in my life. Ten years later, or so, I end up with precancerous cells. The way that I see it, being a non-medical person, my skin cells get deformed from the over exposure to the sun’s rays and, though it takes years, I slowly develop deformities, one bad precancerous spot after another, until my cells accept that deformity as ‘normal for me’ and continues to produce it. ***************************************************************************************************************************** I don’t really notice it right away. Not being aware enough about such things, I ignore the ‘age’ spots developing until I can’t. And once I do get seen by a doctor, and they are removed, I end up having to go back because I keep getting those precancerous cells… even where the sun don’t shine, so to speak. My body accepts it as ‘normal for me.’ My end could easily be from melanoma due to my life choices. *************************************************************************************************************************** But to add to that, since I am ignorant to the affect of the sun, I raise a family and don’t prepare them for it either. I don’t make them drink water enough. I don’t make them wear sunscreen until it is their habit also. I don’t make them wear a hat, cover their bodies or arms, prepare for swimming; I do nothing much to teach them about something that I know nothing about. (Ignorantly thinking, but not directly, what is good for me is good for them too.) But it ain’t. Is it? ****************************************************************************************************************************** Now we could be talking about sunscreen. We could also be saying the same thing about drinking alcohol, drugs, lust, sex, gambling, swearing, vanity, appropriate dress, hate talk, comfort eating, anorexia, condemnation, immoral business practices, thieving, murder, what we watch, how we act and who we do what to. Literally everything that we choose, or have chosen for us in this life, can form a pattern in our lives that ALWAYS has consequences. ************************************************************************************************************************** From a very infantile age, our children copy what we do and say. They hear us cuss and they say ‘damn’ and we think it is so cute initially. They hear us say some mean things about our ‘friends’ who just left and they start mimicking us. If we never learned how to parent properly, how will we teach the next generation? They see us in abusive relationships crying to keep the peace but staying to be beat another day and what do you think they choose? We scream instead of talk; what do they learn? We shout at them to do better but don’t take time to teach them what that looks like. How does that help? We bully. We brag. We yell. We curse. We drink or party. We cheat. We lie. We use. We manipulate. We overindulge them to try to bury our inadequacies. THEY WATCH AND LEARN. Our words, our guilt, our anger, our insecurities, our thoughts, our tone, our brokenness, our hate, our love, our sins, our spirit or lack thereof. WE aren’t the only ones that have consequences. Our children, their children and so forth… generational curses. I can point to mine; can you point to yours? *********************************************************************************************************************** If I could show you, in advance, from the day that you are born, how this world and everything in it has a cause and affect on who you will become, how you will parent, how your children will develop and how, in turn, your future generations are affected... by EVERY SINGLE thing in that first paragraph, I would. If I could guide you rightly, as I was not, I would. If I could turn back time and correct my choices, experiences, consumption, thought and spiritual life… I surely would. **************************************************************************************************************************** Inevitably, it would be ideal if we could live in a commune type place where people love one another, raise crops and animals and share with each other. Teach each other about God, to love and live in harmony with the elements that we are stuck with in this world and with each other. But when I imagine it, because of how I see this world now, I imagine it turning into the “Walking Dead.” I see the sins of humanity walking into our communes along side the humans and ruining it all… very quickly. ******************************************************************************************************************** It isn’t hopeless... if your children are young enough to learn and you can get right with God and show them the right way. We could raise up a generation of believers who can ward off evil with God’s help. They could have a shot at living a clean peaceful life in the world until they are called home. Wouldn’t that be lovely? But in the end, you have to lead by example and therein lies part of the problem. Doesn’t it? You can’t teach what you don’t know. You can’t learn if you don’t go. ****************************************************************************************************** Just thinking. In the end, I think more on what I failed to do right, than what I may have actually done. I wish I had been thinking a lot earlier in my life. I wish the same for you and yours. That’s all.

Poor in Spirit

I walk up to the church, being looked at out of the corner of their eyes. As my eyes meet theirs they smile in that Christian manner and turn back to their conversations. We file into the church and, for the most part, everyone goes about their business finding their seats and greeting their friends. I stand back because I know that I don’t really have a designated spot. I am new here. Once again, some people walk by me and notice that I ‘don’t fit in’. You see, I am not dressed appropriately and I know it. I am wearing what I normally wear around the house. I am most comfortable in my sweats and comfy shirt. At home I would have on my slippers, but I chose outside tennies today, for obvious reasons. To say that I am a bit uncomfortable would be an understatement. To say that others are put out of sorts over it is also understated. However, this is what it is and it is important to all of us. They just don’t know it yet.********************************** I take a seat in back so that I am not too conspicuous and so that I do not detract from the service and worship. Soon enough, they will forget about me and praise Him that sent me. And soon enough, they will see His plan.******************************* As the worship team closes their songs and announces the pastor of the church, everyone sits. You see, people tend to stand to praise Him in this church. The pastor runs through his announcements and makes one final announcement. Today, we have a special guest speaker, and he announces my name… only. I stand at the back and everyone turns to me. Some look confused, some smile a plastic Christian smile and some are genuinely pleased and welcoming as I move my way to the front. I begin.********************************************* The sermon would be about loving your neighbor before yourself. Taking care of the poor and downtrodden. Having compassion on the broken. And not judging a book by it’s cover. You see, man has the expectation of how one should dress for all things church related, whereas Jesus accepted everyone as they were. He just wanted them to come to Him. Obviously, I didn’t dress down and go to preach, but I should. I think it is too late, and would take a miracle, for people to stop dressing to impress, and just come as you are. There would always be those that think ‘decorum’ and ‘status’ in this life is critical to uphold. Even I would have a hard time convincing myself to pull such a ‘prank’ on the church. And you see, it would be a ‘prank’ because I wouldn’t normally dress that like either. *********************************** But imagine if we did…. More people, the people Jesus chased, the broken, poor and hurting people, would feel comfortable coming through those doors. More importantly, they would learn what Christian love is supposed to look and feel like. Because we would be sacrificing our egos and comfort for the sake of others. Imagine if we didn’t look twice at someone dressed differently in church. Imagine if we welcomed everyone and sat beside them and couldn’t wait to talk to them and hear their story.************************************* Matthew 25:41-43: “Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels.42For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink,43I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.’ “ *********************************** James 2: 1-9: “My brothers and sisters, believers in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ must not show favoritism. 2 Suppose a man comes into your meeting wearing a gold ring and fine clothes, and a poor man in filthy old clothes also comes in. 3 If you show special attention to the man wearing fine clothes and say, “Here’s a good seat for you,” but say to the poor man, “You stand there” or “Sit on the floor by my feet,” 4have you not discriminated among yourselves and become judges with evil thoughts? 5 Listen, my dear brothers and sisters: Has not God chosen those who are poor in the eyes of the world to be rich in faith and to inherit the kingdom he promised those who love him? 6 But you have dishonored the poor. Is it not the rich who are exploiting you? Are they not the ones who are dragging you into court? 7 Are they not the ones who are blaspheming the noble name of him to whom you belong? 8 If you really keep the royal law found in Scripture, “Love your neighbor as yourself,”[a] you are doing right. 9 But if you show favoritism, you sin and are convicted by the law as lawbreakers”

We Are Starving

We are starving. I see it everywhere. In a nation of plenty, and a world of means, we have little of what we need and more of what we do not. We are starving and we don’t even see it for what it is. We fill our emptiness with a trillion other wants and ignore the most basic human needs. Part of it is that we, the proverbial, not the literal, are no longer equipped to seek and obtain what we must have to survive wholly. If there ever was, and I contest that there is still, a “dumbing down of America”, we are surely in the midst of it.******************************** We are starving for love, attention, affection, approval and acceptance. We are devoid of love in the most meaningful way. By that I mean, the kind of love that compels us to think of others before ourselves. The love that breeds patience and kindness and compassion. (1 Cor 13:4-8) We crave the kind of love and understanding that couples used to share before we lost our ability to cuddle up and express our heart’s desire without obsessive whining or defensive backlash. Have you ever watched people trying to get their point across? When did we start to compete for it? When did our need for love and attention become a competition; where either we get what we need or we become resentful and yet... those words never even enter the conversation. People are fighting about the dishes when it is really about the desperate need for love and respect.********************************* The worst part is that in our turmoil and drama, in our emptiness, in our desperate search for others to notice us and give us love; attention, affection, acceptance, approval and sympathy…. we publicize our drama, our desperate need for attention, on public forums but to most of the world it is obvious that we are crying out for love from the pit of our souls. It is like a never ending starvation for ANYTHING to fill that void. Much like Munchhausen’s disease, our desperate need for love and attention is never satisfied. Because of this we CREATE situations that require or compel others to respond with some sort of reaction, even if it is negative. Just like children, we continue to poke and prod until someone responds. ***************************************** We fill the void with everything but what we need. We slather makeup on our face, pump botox into our bodies, get boob jobs, hair implants, fake nails, better cars, cooler clothes, bigger jobs, better friends, more money, more notoriety, etc…. But we are still empty inside. ************************** We have lost our ability to communicate. We have been on a fast track to the dumbing down of America since the advent of broadcasting, television, telephones, cell phones, ipods, stereos and tablets. To date we text in abbreviated form, and adopt the abbreviations and literal words; some of which are in the dictionary and some of them likely will be. Most would rather text than talk on the phone or in person because there is less accountability and more deniability if they play it right. We DO NOT know how to have a civil conversation or how to discuss an issue instead of debate it. (If you don’t believe that look at what our elections have become.) We are incapable of communicating with others on a meaningful level because sometimes WE don’t even know what we are truly upset about. Trust me, it isn’t the dishes. Worse, we emulate what we know from our parents and loved ones. *********************************** Now, knowing this... LOOK at the world and tell me what it looks like to you?! Brokenness. We have forgotten the face of our Father (Dark Tower), so to speak. And yet, He…. His Word, the Bible, is how we know what TRUE love looks like.********************************** When did we turn away from Christ? WHY did we turn away from Christ? When did He become a catch phrase or a passing phase? When did we start blaming God for what people do and don’t do? When did we stop feeling the need, because let’s face it, we DESPERATElY DO need Him still, but when did we FEEL the need to cast Him aside and break our bonds with the church?! When did we ever stop and think, “I can do this alone.” Or “Hm, my kids don’t need to know the creator of Heaven and Earth.” Or “It isn’t really important that we teach our children how to love others as they love themselves, about forgiveness and sin.” Especially when did that damn phrase, “Do as I say and not as I do” come into this world?? That is STRAIGHT from the devil himself, that is! The epitome of hypocrisy and completely ineffective in parenting.******************************* The Cain syndrome is alive and thriving today. (If you read the bible, you know what I am saying. :-) We feed it and nurture it and discuss it in front of our children and families until they adopt it too. Think KKK, Arian brothers, human traffickers, cults, gangs, mafia, serial killers, school shooters, rapists, child molesters, lying politicians, shady businesses, prostitution, drug dealers, unethical corporations and the like. The VILE nature of violent crimes against other human beings, especially innocent children, is beyond the scope of any decent person’s understanding. And yet...******************************************** Look at our failure to parent properly. One only needs to know and talk to a teacher or parent to see our refusal to take accountability for our own wrongs (as parents) teaches our kids they don’t have to either. Our lack of biblical principles in rearing and educating our children is creating a literal nightmare for our children’s teachers. Kids in elementary school are sexually molesting other kids, verbally assaulting them, physically abusing them, bullying, stealing…. Killing them. There are consequences in school. They are suspended. They cry and lie to mom or dad and instead of supporting the school, the parent ‘fights’ for the kid. The same parent who probably screams at the kid at home (or worse) is raising that kid NOT to treat others how you want to be treated, but to demand the world bow to the kid’s every whim even when they are wrong. And we wonder where we went wrong when the children’s natural ability to hate others so badly makes them decide to go out and kill. They learned hate and entitlement and control. They are not being taught the biblical principles of being able to LOVE, COPE, HOPE and FORGIVE.************************************** That being said, don’t worry about it. Let them skip school if they have a hang nail or are being picked on. Just feed them fast food and give them a cell phone as soon as they can walk to keep them quiet. Sit them in front of the tv with ramen noodles and a coke. Don’t worry about the chores, you can scream and smack them in the head for not doing it in a week, when you notice. Meantime, let’s give them that party they wanted and pay for all of their friends and carry on like the best parent ever. Oh and make sure they have the best clothes, the newest cell phone, the trendiest hair style, the coolest fake nails, and hey, they will be just fine. Teach them how to be melodramatic to get attention; How to post duck lips and provocative poses; how to manipulate others to get the wrong kind of attention and sympathy. Don’t teach them how to cope with life’s chaotic moments. Teach them how to post about it for attention.********************************************** Look … don’t starve. Don’t teach your kids to starve. Teach them to fish and they will eat. I know how you can be eternally fed with manna from Heaven. Please…. I am not kidding. Get connected. Get hooked up to His word and His people. Yes, His people are flawed, but that is the whole ‘free will thing’ that I talk about in other blogs. Just because we as humans mess up, doesn’t mean that there isn’t true healing, peace and guidance in that beautiful book. Feed your children. Teach them how to fish. Show them the love of Christ and parent in a way that protects them from themselves. We are our own worst enemy. Don’t let them be.********************************

Emotional abuse-gaslighting

We hear a lot about gaslighting these days and my natural curiosity compelled me to look it up. I had no idea how prevalent it truly is. It is important for you to first read (much of) the article that I posted below between the arrows, then I will elaborate on my experiences and knowledge. ************************************* Here are some details from online, much of which is pulled from a Daily OM website article: “What is gaslighting? 8 signs you’re probably being gaslit.” There are so many more excellent articles about galsighting, including how to respond to such people. I am posting the signs first, and then the details of the article after so that you can see if you, or someone you know is being gaslit. After I post much of the article, I will delve into the dangers and different reactions below. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> How to Spot Gaslighting Behaviors Gaslighting involves a complete lack of empathy for the victim and can be extremely tricky to spot. To illustrate what that looks like in practice, here are eight telltale signs of gaslighting that can occur. *********** 1. A Gaslighter Uses Loaded Words Against You ****************** There are certain words and phrases that people use when they want to invalidate your thoughts and feelings. If someone calls you “crazy,” “irrational,” or “too sensitive,” they’re likely trying to attack your point of view, says Polk. A gaslighter may also accuse you of “imagining things” or “overreacting” to something they’ve said or done. **************** 2. A Gaslighter Is Extremely Defensive ***************** Polk also says that gaslighters tend to get overly defensive over small confrontations. Gaslighters need to be right, dislike criticism, and refuse to accept any blame, so if they feel like you’re challenging them, it’s not uncommon for them to become highly defensive in response. ********************** 3. A Gaslighter Is Constantly Telling You How You Feel ********************* One major gaslighting flag is when you feel something and your partner is like, “You shouldn’t feel that,” Dr. Bridbord says. Only you get to decide how you feel about a situation, but gaslighters will often try to make you question your take on reality to get you on their page and to undermine your judgment. ******************* 4. A Gaslighter Always Makes You Out to Be the Bad Guy ************************************ A common tactic used among gaslighters is DARVO, which stands for deny, accuse, and reverse victim and offender. A gaslighter might deny their victim’s assertion of hurtful, deceptive, or manipulative behavior, according to Bridbord. Not only that, but they also might turn around and accuse the wounded party of unfairly attacking them, turning themselves into the victim and you into the bad guy. Reversing blame can also look like the gaslighter saying that you made them behave a certain way, and that it was your fault. *************************** 5. You Start to Question Your Reality Around a Gaslighter ***************************** The result of being gaslit is you begin to feel as if you can’t trust your own thoughts or feelings. That’s one reason it’s difficult for a victim of gaslighting to realize what’s happening. A gaslighter might make you feel this way through outright denying what you know to be true, saying that you’re confusing them, trivializing your feelings, or completely ignoring you and changing the subject. However they attempt to manipulate you, Bridbord says, their gaslighting behavior can lead you to experience “a chronic sense of self-doubt” and loss of confidence. You may notice you’re having a harder time than normal making decisions because you don’t trust yourself, and that you’re overly worried about the consequences of making the wrong one. *********************************** In a healthy relationship, be it romantic, friendly, professional, or familial, you should be made to feel good about yourself, because people who care about you and respect you want to build you up and for you to succeed. Gaslighters, on the other hand, will often tear down your confidence as a way to make you easier to manipulate. **************************** 6. A Gas-Lighter Undermines Your Self-Confidence ********************* “If you’re feeling depressed and anxious, that doesn’t mean your partner is gaslighting you, of course,” stresses Bridbord. “But if you have these other feelings that are associated with it, like your partner doesn’t feel safe to you, your partner doesn’t feel like somebody you can really be yourself with, and that they have your back,” you might be a victim of gaslighting, says the expert.  ******************** 7. A Gaslighter Outright Denies What You Know to Be True *************************** In extreme cases, gaslighters will delete or destroy evidence of something that happened in order to maintain their version of reality. “They may move or adjust things so you question your memory,” Nickerson says, like the husband in Hamilton’s play. They might also deny saying or doing things you know they said or did (but have no evidence of), then try to make you feel like you’re making things up. ************************ 8. You Feel Like You Need to Agree on Everything **************** In a healthy romantic relationship, it’s normal to have disagreements. You can agree to disagree and accept the fact that you have different perspectives, so long as you’re respectful and caring and you acknowledge each other’s point of view. “But when you’re in an abusive relationship, it’s not okay to have a different perspective, in essence,” Bridbord says. “You’re supposed to be the same.” In the workplace, a responsible and ethical manager will recognize the power imbalance between themselves and their employees and be mindful not to exploit it or deflect their actions, explains Polk. Whereas “a boss that’s gaslighting would make an employee feel dumb or irrational for things they don’t know. For example, ‘You didn’t know you should’ve called them back?’ [But] the underlying issue is the boss providing inadequate training or guidance. A healthy boss in that situation would say something like, ‘I’m sorry, I forgot to mention that it’s our policy to call back in that situation.’” *************************** Over time, a gaslit employee might begin to lose faith in their own abilities, question their reality, and become a less effective worker, not to mention feel miserable going into the office every day. *********************** ---- According to Merriam-Webster, gaslighting is the “psychological manipulation of a person usually over an extended period of time that causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories and typically leads to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, uncertainty of one’s emotional or mental stability, and a dependency on the perpetrator.” *************************** ….we associate gaslighting with toxic romantic partnerships, but it can take place between parents and children, with our supposed friends, in the office, when we go to the doctor, and even on a societal scale when used to deny the existence of structural biases. ******************************** “Hands down, it’s always manipulative, but it’s not always intentionally abusive,” licensed clinical psychologist Karen Bridbord, PhD, tells DailyOM. **************************** “A subtle form of gaslighting may be saying to your partner, ‘Seriously, this is still bothering you?’ We could say that statement is more basic dismissal, but gaslighting falls under that category,” says Jason Polk, LCSW, a licensed therapist and social worker. ************************** “….an example of a more serious form of gaslighting could be something like your significant other deleting texts or emails and then denying that they ever existed in the first place. She tells DailyOM that in the case of a parent and child, gaslighting often happens alongside serious forms of emotional, physical, or sexual abuse. A parent might say, “Oh c’mon, that didn’t hurt.” That will cause a child to question their reaction to the pain they’ve experienced. ***************************** “If someone constantly invalidates your feelings and tells you that how you think, what you remember, and what you perceive is wrong — they are gaslighting you,” Dr. Nickerson explains. **************************** Nevertheless, it’s always valid and even wise to exit a situation if someone is behaving poorly toward you, whether or not they’re using gaslighting tactics. “The definition of ‘poorly’ is subjective, and that’s the point,” Polk says. “Your subjective reality is yours, and it’s valid. No one can define it for you.” **************************** In fact, experts say that gaslighting is common among people with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). People with NPD have an inflated sense of self-importance and a lack of empathy, and often use charm and deceit to manipulate the people around them. Gaslighting is a major part of this. ************************************ What to Do If You’re a Gaslighter ********************* Though it’s painful to look in the mirror and see yourself as someone who uses manipulative, gaslighting tactics, you can change your ways. Simply thinking you may be a gaslighter is a good first step toward addressing the issue and healing. “That requires a degree of honesty and humility,” Polk says. “Then you need to start practicing and expressing three things in your relationship: empathy, accountability, and vulnerability.” *************************** Bridbord says that in many cases, gaslighters learned their behavior through interpersonal relationships they were in as children, and that it’s possible to unlearn these behaviors — if, that is, they’re willing to put in the work. ************************ Try to practice seeing the other person as separate from yourself, with different values, opinions, and experiences. One step you can take is to ask your partner or the person you’ve been gaslighting to point out when you’re doing it, and to practice showing empathy, taking responsibility, and learning from the experience. Seeing a therapist can also be helpful. ************************** Are You Being Gaslit? ************************** Ultimately, if you have suspicions that you’re being gaslit, that’s confirmation enough that something isn’t right in that relationship. Recognize gaslighting for the serious problem that it is, and respond in a way that puts your health and safety first — whether that means confiding in friends and family, going to therapy, or exiting the situation. Most importantly, remember that your thoughts, feelings, and memories are completely valid, and treat yourself with compassion as you go forward toward a safer, healthier place. <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< AI google: Gaslighting can involve: • Lying or withholding information • Constantly criticizing • Blaming • Making verbally abusive statements • Intimidation • Denial of responsibility • Minimizing abusive behavior • Backhanded compliments or apologies >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> • Passive-aggressive gaslighting is a form of manipulation: It's a way to gain power and make someone doubt reality and their sanity. • Gaslighting can be subtle and difficult to detect: It can involve persistent lying, subtle digs, and judgments. • Gaslighting can be disguised as sarcasm or negative humor: This can include making fun of or embarrassing someone in private or public. • Gaslighting can be used by covert narcissists: They may use gaslighting, manipulation, and intimidation to gain control over others. • Gaslighting can involve plausible deniability: The gaslighter can easily deny that what they said or did was intended to harm. • Gaslighting can involve twisting the truth: For example, a partner might tell you they went to a bar but leave out who was there. <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< This is me now. ************** 1. You are rarely in it alone. What you are learning, your children are seeing and learning. ************** 2. It is not normal or acceptable or cute. You need to address it and make a life changing decision. ****************** 3. You aren’t the only victim. The person who is gaslighting you has a story too, but that doesn't make it your job to fix them if it damages you or your children. ******************* 4. Most likely, the perpetrator has other disorders that make him/her susceptible to gaslighting. ***************** 5. You need counseling. There are domestic violence FREE counseling online. You need to repair your broken thought processes and relearn how to be yourself and strong. ********************* 6. Your children need counseling to undo the damage of what they saw and learned. *************** 7. You can’t change it if you don’t change your situation first. ******************* Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse. It has been going on for centuries… probably as long as the world has had people in it. The word may be a new term for it but the behavior is ancient. It may or may not be part of the method of abuse when an abuser is first trying to brainwash and condition you. They do it to make you stay, by weakening your self esteem and breaking you down so that you believe that no one else will have you and that he loves you more than anyone else ever would. (When in reality, his treatment of you proves quite the opposite.) Actions really do speak louder than words, people! ********************************** Many times, emotional abuse (gaslighting) is linked to narcissists, pathological liars, passive aggressive behaviors, antisocial behaviors, ADHD… in fact, it is likely that emotional abuse or gaslighting is linked to many disorders that already exist in the perpetrator. *********************** As a vulnerable, low self esteem personality, with a horrific childhood and lack of familial love and support or any combination of such afflictions, a person is ripe for such tactics. It usually starts out slow enough so that you don’t notice. You may notice ‘cute little’ signs of jealousy. Comments about his/her possessiveness. He may express quaint “old fashioned’ ideas of marriage and wifely duties. But it quickly escalates to one sided battles about ‘did you just look at that man who walked in’ to ‘if you leave me, I will kill you.’ ******************************* What I wanted to talk about is us. The ones on the receiving end. ******************** You see, the first time this happened to me, it worked. I was terrified to leave. I cowered when I saw that look. I once chased one of his friends away from my door in complete fear of my life. Not fear of him but fear of what my husband would think and do. He had come to ask for my husband, who wasn’t home. I literally shook as I told him he had to leave. Unfortunately, I was beat for that anyway. (My first husband had his own wicked childhood and demons.) ************************ It took me about 5 years to tell someone about my abusive marriage; it is hard to hide black eyes and bruises. (He did get better at not hitting me where it showed.) If he wasn’t so hot headed and lazy, I probably would have died there. But I convinced him to let me work (because he wasn’t) and that was my saving grace. People noticed. One security guard at my job recognized the signs. She had been in that situation too. The Motorola nurse began to ask questions about my headaches, etc. She talked to me over an almost two year period until I was ready to leave. She would call shelters and see if there were beds available for a woman with 3 kids. When I couldn’t sneak away, she would try again. She never gave up. ********************** I finally let her help me. She found a shelter in Mesa. The shelters are highly secretive. They arranged everything from my order of protection, my divorce help, my domestic violence classes, counseling, lodging, food, supplies for the babies. I had three young kids at the time. I was terrified but I could not believe that there were such places that cared about other people. ********************** By that point in my life I couldn’t believe much good about anyone. I doubted their motives, their goodness and their sincerity. But it was my history talking. The examples that I learned as a child taught me the lie about who I was. I had gone from a mother who had a nervous breakdown, to a foster home that I was too young to remember, (who I am told loved me and spoiled me), back to a neglectful and perverted father, to neglectful, poor and dysfunctional upbringing where I wasn’t wanted, to a perverted brother in law, and I could go on and on… but I won’t. Suffice to say, I was already broken and ripe for brainwashing. I looked for a way to belong and be gone. ********************** Even after spending several months in a shelter, I found myself still suffering the side affects of my physical and emotional abuse. It took me several years to work through not making the same mistake twice, but decades in learning to trust. I think that having a job as an investigator for over ten years just made my perception of people worse and my critical judgment and caution sharper. I learned to be even more suspicious. But here is the take away. I got an education (college levels). I found an excellent paying job, and was determined to do it alone. I became independent and strong. I refused to subject myself or my kids to anything of the sort ever again. (Though I must say, my two girls ended up in abusive relationships. My oldest told me “you did it and I have to find out for myself.” It broke my heart.) You see folks, this is what your kids will see and mimic. *********************** Gaslighting to the person that I was, worked. But gaslighting to who I am now doesn’t. It does not make me dependent and insecure. It has the reverse affect. It used to make me afraid. Now it makes me verbally combative. It actually makes me angry and resentful. Resentfulness can destroy a person from the inside, out. It is like small drops of poison that slowly overtakes the soul. Whatever good that you might get out of life is slowly darkened so that all you can see is the gaslighter’s abuse until you become part of the problem. It changes you… if you let it. **************** I recognize manipulation of any kind right away and it repulses me. It happens in work situations, counseling, family, and friends. Depending on who the culprit is, I either bite my tongue and ignore it or address it right away. And sometimes, I don’t handle it the way that I should. I bite back or turn cold. ************** I truly believe that it works best if I remain calm and address the behavior. Similar to the parent who is fully aware that they are in control, talking to the child who is behaving badly. You can afford to remain calm and correct the behavior because you know that you are in control. If I were to snap back, instead of remain calm, the perpetrator can twist it and say “what is wrong with you?!” But if I were to remain calm and direct their attention to the proper way to speak to me, it would have a better affect. Over time, they would learn to avoid repeating that mistake. You see, they are broken too. They need understanding and guidance also. God only knows what led them to be who they are. Life is hard. More and more people have had nasty upbringings and horrible examples of what relationships should look like. We need to help each other or, if we can’t, move on. *********************** I want you to understand that this is not normal behavior. It is never acceptable. It will never be healthy for you OR your children to witness because it breeds more brokenness and bad behavior. It destroys relationships with family, friends and coworkers because NO ONE wants to be around it. And it does take years to recover completely from it.

Performative

Performative: (Thanks Angel for sharing this word with me.) ********************************* A new term, to me. Essentially meaning, "performative acts or behavior intending to show others how they wish to be seen by others rather than who they really are." ************************************* If you think this isn't you, then read it and dismiss. But give your life an honest look, if only for your kid's sake. ********************************* Question: How long do you and your kids have their phones and electronic devices in their hands? Are you able to put it down and forget it for a half hour, hour or two or more? (Be honest, I have seen many of you that can't) Do your kids whine and complain when they can't have them? If I look at a tiny snapshot of your lives on social media, I would only see what you want me to see, likely not what is truly happening in your life. Your snapshot may make others think that you have it all together, while, in fact, your relationships, your home and life is falling down around you. ********************************** Some people know the truth because they know your life. But most think "oh my gosh how sweet" because they don't. You may also post something sad or dramatic to gain sympathy. And sometimes, people get hostile about things but don't explain what is truly happening, again, for attention. This is a new and pretty common plea for attention since the advent of social media. ******************************** I would ask you to nurture your relationships, not your social media pages. Put down your phones and tablets. Spend the appropriate amount of time with your kids, on your home, with your animals, on your responsibilities WITHOUT electronic devises or media attention for doing what is supposed to be normal in your life. ********************************** Do you think that you could be affected by this? To find out, do an experiment: ***************************** Lock away your electronic devices for three (3) days. (All of your household, children included.) Lock them up, out of sight, if needed. Only answer the phone out of necessity. No long texts, chats, phone calls, NOTHING that isn't essential to your life. To be sure, keep televisions off unless watching programs together when all else is complete. *********************** Spend your time on this: *Talk with your kids. * Have the kids do their routine chores. * Do YOUR chores. (If you don't assign chores, do it now-but make sure you have some too. The household is your primary responsibility, not your kids.) * Help them with homework. Make sure they did or are doing it. * Spend play time with your animals. * Make a lovely sit down dinner. * Have a real dinner conversation about their day. Talk about what they value most. How they feel about social media, likes and ignores. Friends. Activities. If old enough, drugs, boyfriends, etc * Clean up thoroughly after dinner. * Check their rooms and chores. * Do an activity together. * Send them to bed. * Have a nice glass of wine to wind down. REPEAT **************************** Not only should this bring your house and kids in order after a week, but it should build your bond and expand their insight into the damage of social media. It should also help you gain control over the things that seem to be getting away from you because you didn't notice how much time you spent with your electronics instead of your life. *************************** We are losing our ability to focus on our real lives, in favor of the facade that we display in the media. Please. For your kids sake and that of our world, your world even, focus on what you should be doing, not on what might gain likes and teach your kids the same. ******************** Again, if this isn't you, great, but if it is.... this is your chance to regain control of your life.

The True Nature of Things

There are wars and rumors of wars in this world. Do you think this is a sign? I mean, that isn’t the only sign, mind you. I certainly see. So many people out there are turning against each other, speaking hate and division. Christians are judging and condemning others, against those very ones that God created, right, wrong or indifferent. We speak not out of love, but out of our own sense of arrogance and righteousness, which by the way, we have no right to. ******************************************* Matthew 24: 6-13: “And you will hear of wars and rumors of wars. See that you are not alarmed, for this must take place, but the end is not yet. For nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom, and there will be famines and earthquakes in various places. All these are but the beginning of the birth pains. “Then they will deliver you up to tribulation and put you to death, and you will be hated by all nations for my name's sake. And then many will fall away and betray one another and hate one another. And many false prophets will arise and lead many astray. And because lawlessness will be increased, the love of many will grow cold. But the one who endures to the end will be saved. And this gospel of the kingdom will be proclaimed throughout the whole world as a testimony to all nations, and then the end will come.” ********************************************* Just look at all of the judgment and condemnation on social media. There are Christians and those who claim to be Christians on both sides of the political fence and still we defame, slander and spread half-truths out of ignorance and mob mentality. We, including our leaders, act and speak like hateful children fighting over a toy. Each wants to play king of the hill, to be on top. Neither caring about the masses of people who blindly follow with little to no true knowledge of the issues. The true issues are buried, while the true agenda is not even really hidden in rhetoric. Hate speech. Division. Defiance of our laws. Discord. Lies. Condemnation. Slander. Racism. Greed. Immorality. All of it swirling around for the discerning person to see, and yet, it is ignored because someone claims to wear the name tag ‘Christian’. ***************************************** Do you know what a Christian, a real Christian looks like… and is supposed to act like? Sure, we all stumble into the muck and mire of the world from time to time but we don’t LIVE there like pigs. We don’t wallow there being arrogant in our sense of superiority…. ********************************** Listen with a discerning heart. A true Christian heart. ******************************** James 2:9-10: “But if you show partiality, you are committing sin and are convicted by the law as transgressors. For whoever keeps the whole law but fails in one point has become accountable for all of it.” ********************************* James 2:12-13: “So speak and so act as those who are to be judged under the law of liberty. For judgment is without mercy to one who has shown no mercy. Mercy triumphs over judgment.” ********************************* James 3:2: “For we all stumble in many ways. And if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle his whole body.” **************************** James 3:6-9: “How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire. And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell. …. but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God.” **************************** James 3:16-18: “For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice. But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.” ****************************** Don’t spread it. Dread it. It is a sign of the times. The worldly poison that we swallow causes us to become like them. Go back to the bible. Remember what we do, what we put out there in the world is either with love or with hate. We cannot have both in our hearts and belong to God. ****************************** James 4:11-12: “Do not speak evil against one another, brothers. The one who speaks against a brother or judges his brother speaks evil against the law and judges the law. But if you judge the law, you are not a doer of the law but a judge. There is only one lawgiver and judge, he who is able to save and to destroy. But who are you to judge your neighbor?” ************************** Love. Gentle correction in love. Hate is not the answer.

The House is swept clean

Anyone who knows me will tell you how much I love a clean house. Organized, dust free, no dirty dishes or laundry piling up, clean floors, homey but prettily designed. Perhaps I clean too much... ***************************************** I have swept the house clean. I wandered far and found myself in darkness, again. I have not kept my light with me. Perhaps due to some worldly sense of rebellion and angst I suppose…. I really don’t know why, and, for that alone, I have become full of darkness. I am surrounded by the phantoms of the past, the whispers of the present and the doubts of the future. Cast into the old sea of forlorn wondering and twisted turmoils of life itself. I am bound to my own self doubts, my humanness and mistrust of others; such things that I thought were cast off forever. It whirls around my head and heart like a tempest and fills my stomach with such bile. I know, too, that I am not alone in this for no one who knows the Truth and walks away from it’s sanctuary can be in the light for long. Colorful words for such a dark colorless place to reside. ******************************************* Oh, I talk to Him plenty, but it becomes far and few between. I love Him always and am His, such as I am… but I feel that I have dwindled like a raisin in the sun becoming a dried up shell of who I should be. ********************************************** So, after much torment, I reach for my bible for comfort. Pleading for the closeness and sanctity that I used to feel. I come to James. ******************************************* James 1:1-7: “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. ****************************************** If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double minded man, unstable in all his ways.” ***************************************** Therein lies my problem. How ‘bout you? When I ask for guidance, I ask in doubt. I see no earthly reason why I, a sinner, a slacker, a sloth, a grumbler, a hypocrite, a wandering soul, should be deemed worthy of any assistance at all in this life. Oh, I don’t mean that I have doubts in His ability, no indeed. I have doubts in my own position in this world, my deserve-ed-ness (my own word), so to speak, to receive and accept help of any Heavenly kind. I am two-spirited, as it were. I believe with my whole heart in my God, my King and Christ Jesus but also, I harbor my old spirit of brokenness and doubt. Again, not in Him, but in this world, in my position in it, my worthiness, my plight, my… usefulness. *************************************** I wandered away quite willing to move on with my new life, exploring other Countries, holding close those I love dearly, restoring our empty, worn home and preparing for a future of idleness. In fact, I swept my house too clean. For that, I was visited by many ghosts that I had long since rid myself of. They come ten fold now because there is an empty shell that I failed to keep stocked with faith and light. They like, no- they LOVE the vast darkness that we prepared for them. ************************************* James 1: 13-15: “Let no one say when he is tempted, ‘I am being tempted by God,’ for God cannot be tempted with evil and He Himself tempts no one. But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death.” ************************************* You see, too much of a good thing can be sinful. We develop a higher desire for that thing and place it before all else, including our time with God. We fill ourselves with other things slowly and totally unaware-or we kid ourselves and say we were unaware when, in fact, we knew full well what we were choosing. Good things really, can be a distraction and become an idol, too you know. It is a gradual decent. Our family takes precedence, our home remodels, our vacations, yes, even our Christian duties and or status… can all become more important than God. ************************************* Experiences can become a division point, too. Negative experiences in the church, with specific ‘Christian people’, even pastors or priests can affect our walk. But here is the thing… are we NOT smart enough by now to realize that the evil one uses such distractions for his purposes, to distance us from God… the God that has a higher calling on our lives and you would think that we would get that by now?? *********************************** Okay, so we are all human and NONE, in fact, are worthy. That isn’t a reflection on God, or Faith or Christ. It is a reflection of our sinful nature. Duh! ********************************* We only notice when we hit bottom and our insides feel empty, our lives feel hollow, our worries override our sleep and we fall fully prey to the turmoil that is this world. This is truly how it happens, folks. We left our peace and chose to be bobbing out there, alone, in the sea without our life vest. (Our life vest being our Light vest; being God). Such is my life. Is it yours too? ******************************* You may recall, if you have read anything from before, I always warned my students that life in the world is harder than in Adult and Teen Challenge, or any such long term, live-in program. Inside, there are daily devotions, prayers, Christian education, Christian mentors and everything revolves around His word and desires. But once you graduate and leave, you are out in the real world. The world isn’t centered on God. It has its own set of rules and, frankly, none are very Christian. ***************************** In order to survive in this dark world, the student must remain connected to the Word, daily devotions, regular church and Christian connections. If you have trouble getting out to a church, then online it or TV, but, by all means, continue to do what is right in the eyes of the Lord and fill your heart and home with His word. But let it go empty; let it go void of His love, His guidance, His word…. Well then, there now is your empty house for seven more demons to take hold of… or at least 7 times the number that resided there before and more evil than before. You get the idea. *********************************** Matthew 12:43-45: "When an evil spirit comes out of a man, it goes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it. Then it says, 'I will return to the house I left.' When it arrives, it finds the house unoccupied, swept clean and put in order. Then it goes and takes with it seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there. And the final condition of that man is worse than the first. That is how it will be with this wicked generation." *************************************** So, if you find yourself, where I am now, simply crack His book, pray and work on getting back in the fold before the evil one notices you've gone and comes after you again… and he will.He always will.